Can you recover from separation in marriage?
The layers of marriage can be complex. In my business and my own relationship, I have found that the seemingly most perfect marriages at a glance had a separation at one point. So, I decided to reveal how we recovered from our...how and why we split up to begin with, and why we are stronger than ever right now It's been almost 18 years of my husband in my life. Who would have imagined that we would have toughed it out this long?
My client was surprised when I revealed the story of our separation. I feel it was a defining time in our relationship. It made me understand that loving someone is the easy part. Loving them enough to make it work is another. I discovered that I loved him enough.
At the time that I decided to call it quits with Mike, I put all the blame on him. He wasn't doing and being what I wanted and needed. When actually...I was dealing with some things with myself. There are three R's that are toxic to your life and everything in it. Resentment, Regret, and Rejection. All those center around fear. One of the things that I feared was that he would eventually leave me. Some of the best marriages I had ever saw as a youth ended in divorce. I thought that was just the way it was. My mother never had any healthy relationships, so instinctively, I wouldn't either. So, I built a wall of resentment because of fear of rejection. I kept one foot out the door. Childhood imprints turn into false beliefs that have to be pulled.
While we were dating, I thought I really liked someone else. The vibration was different with this guy. It was what I felt a relationship should be....not like with Mike that resemble a brother/sister type thing. I felt maybe Mike and I would be better as friends. I did things to make him leave me. My thinking was all warped. We separated for less than a year.
I can't remember when we decided to get back together. I just know that we both made a decision to be there for each other again. We had an unsaid clean slate...mostly. There were a few fights. It was the beginning of my business...really. I really understood what marriage is. It is the accepting of a person...all of them. Choosing to love them everyday.
That whole journey led me to want to help others with relationships. I can tell this story of my mistakes with pride because it brought me to be the best person I can be. We had some tough times in our marriage. The good parts far exceed the bad ones, though. The greatest relationships are friendships on FIRE. It just seemed too easy to be friends with my husband. It didn't feel like that was what a marriage was. Now, I teach my clients this. Think of your best friend and all the great parts of your relationship. You had fights and made up. You both got past those fights because the friendship meant that much to you. Marriage is the same thing...plus physical intimacy and living together.
We make things harder than have to be. We want love to be this instant worldwind romance from the start. The reality of it is... you don't feel the wind while it happens. One day when you least expect it, and whoosh of wind hits you and tells you...you are in love. You love this person enough to spend the rest of your life with them. and shit happens. You go through some things. And after all that...when the dust clears...and you still make the choice to love them. That's your romance.
People think you should slide slowly back into being a couple when deciding to get back together. Especially, if it because of an affair. I feel that it doesn't matter what the reason for the breakup. The important thing is the decision to get back together. You can't kinda be with someone. The intimacy might have to be rebuilt. But, if you are going to get back together, dive in.
I don't work people in relationships because mine has been perfect. I work with them because it's not. Relationships are complex. The foundation is love...and friendship. Is the friendship worth it? If your answer is yes, you can rekindle and start new. It will not be like it was. For me...thank goodness it isn't. Change is great when in includes growth. You start with a new understanding of what you want your marriage to feel like. Remember to work on the 3 R's. They will stunt any growth. Forgive yourself and your spouse. You can get past it.
My wish is to support you in your journey. Feel free to contact me. You can join my group for support. For women:Join the Red Lipstick Society
For men Join The Red Lipstick Smearing Society
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