Can you have it all?
Helen Honisett
Making leading effortless | Love Leader and passionate about creating great leaders
As a woman who has worked hard to build my career, I have always sought advice as much as I can. How have other women succeeded? How have they balanced marriage, kids, career? What can I learn? How can I grow? However, I have found that I am still making it up as I go along.
We hear from the women who "have made it" and we get told that we have to carry on pushing, to break the stereotypes and the cultural conditioning we have been given, but I have struggled to find anyone who can tell me HOW. I want to work out the “how” and I am hoping you will join me to do it.
I have two boys under 3, a business I am trying to build and relationships with my friend, family and significant other that I am trying to balance and it is tough. Forget getting fit and healthy when it comes to “having it all” it is very tough work, and I am nowhere near yet.
Over the last few months, I have had some conversations with people who are also trying to work this out. While the majority of these people have been women, there is also a growing body of men who seek to figure this out as well. Being told that “you can't give up,” “keep believing” is fine but that does not help us progress. I have realised that if we want to move towards equality for all we each have to take ownership of our own journeys and share how we have made the successes so we can support and teach others.
So below is the main list of what I and others are trying to figure out (and I am sure there is more).
I want to know:
- How to build my network and still be at home for dinner with my kids?
- How to secure my role during maternity leave (having lost my position during my second maternity leave and having to fight to keep my job first time round)?
- How can I say “no” at work so I can say “yes” to my family?
- How to have conversations with my boss about the fact that getting out of bed a couple of days a month is sometimes physically impossible?
- What level of sacrifice is ok? How many business trips can I make each year without my kids holding it against me?
- How can I manage the expectations of all the people who are important in my life?
- How can I talk to my better half about what I need from them? (I am fortunate in this respect as he is amazing, but not everyone is so lucky)
This article is my call out to others out there who are willing to help me figure out the “How” so we can share it with others and grow. I want to pull together a group of people who can contribute to the “how.” Women and men who can give stories on how they have done it. How they have had the difficult conversations. How they did it right or would do it differently. I believe it is my role as someone trying to have it all to share what I can and encourage others to do the same. I also think this is the only way that we can successfully see the percentage of women at the top level move to where it should be.
HISTORIAN, PUBLIC RELATIONS at FRIENDS OF SOUTH PARK, ALLEGHENY COUNTY
7 年If having it all means being content with what one posses, what one has accomplished not only for their own good but for the good of others, can lay their head down each night without any major regrets or fears, Then that is having it all, and yes, it is possible to have it all.
Talent Management Strategist (CIPD) | Founder 3Plus | Inclusive Recruitment | HR Project Management | Anti-Bullying, DEI Champion | Career & Trauma Informed Coach | Trainer | Psychosocial Safety ISO 45003 |
7 年This is the second post on ”having it all” I’ve seen in as many days. It’s a dated concept which is by now 35 years old and perpetuates 80s stereotypes. We need a fresh approach that doesn't embed perfectionism. As @Gloria Violet Richter says having it all means different things to different people anyway. Men and women need to find new ways to meet their goals together and organisations need to respond to cultural and economic shifts. It will be about prioritising and deciding what is important at a specific time and letting go. There will be organic changes as Millennials place a greater weight on work life balance than previous generations especially Boomers.
Founder, CEO at Backflip Technologies (iFlipd)
7 年Oh Helen this hits home SOOOO deeply! I struggle with these exact things every single day. How do I "give it my all" to my startup and "give my all" to my kids. I don't know how many times I have heard people say that you can't run a startup without giving 150%, yet somehow you are supposed to still be able to have a family, friends, marriage and be 100% present for all of it. You are supposed to put down the phone with your kids and family yet somehow work and be available 24/7. It is unrealistic and unhealthy. I am convinced balance doesn't truly exist, but will keep trying to find it ;). Thank you for being open and honest! Look forward to catching up more soon!
Product Manager at Sumdog
7 年These are great questions, Helen. My boys are 7 and 9 now and only in the last year have I got back to the role that I left nearly 10 years ago! My 'career' has certainly taken a battering and you could say that I chose that, with 4 years in total without working, and I took some roles that I was able to do but not where my passions lay, just so it would work with suitable childcare. What I have found to really help is genuine support from my employers - who value work/life balance and see the importance of good mental health. They see how working parents have a huge range of skills and employ many of us who work even just 5 hours a week upwards. We will be able to increase their hours as we desire as their families grow up and as the business grows. I think we are all very loyal as we know we are respected and valued for the work that we do. Remote virtual teams really help with this - so I can work through children being sick & off school etc. I'm not sure how I could work if I needed to be physically somewhere at definite times. Also having a really supporting partner really helps - my husband works at home once a week so that I can attend meetings out of school time, for example. Unfortunately you do have to be patient for being a working parent to get easier - when your children are older they are more tolerant of you needing to work and not needing your attention quite so incessantly. Do write another article about what you find out along your working mother journey!
Manager, Project Management Office at ATC Ghana
7 年I totally agree with you; in this modern age also where there is much talk about diversity and inclusion it is fascinating to note also that the "males" also face this. It is a tough world out there; and even tougher depending on your race, geographic location, educational level, years of experience among others. To those who have it all, it is worth sharing so those striving to "have it all" can relate and take a cue form your lessons.