Can you do both hard, and gentle? Non-violent communication

Hard

A few days ago, as I was walking along Brook Green, an area of London and my go-to place to relax and unwind, I was abruptly confronted by a man in his 30s.

He seemed angry about something and didn't seem to be able to contain his mood constructively. Shouting, screaming and - inadvertantly - intimidating passer-by’s.

As he directed his bad mood towards me, I stopped to have a conversation.

?After helping him to calm down, I explained that it was not ok to randomly lash out at people on the street. I could tell he was innocuous, not drunk nor under the influence of any drugs (Overall, in control). He was simply very upset and not overly articulate about it.

?This may sound like street-wisdom, and, to an extent, it is. As I approached the conversation the first thing I had to do (to gain credibility, some would say respect, with him) was 'match his energy'. In other words I had to meet him where he is. So, I shouted: 'Hey you'!

?Now, I am not the confrontational type, but I learned early on - throughout my travels and upbringing in an interesting area of the country - that it is important to educate yourself to handle difficult people and conversations, irrespective of context or domain. It turns out it was time, effort and resources well invested.

?In that moment I was alert, but not unnecessary nervous. After a few minutes he quickly calmed down and we were both able to carry on with our days.

Gentle

Shortly after, my dear friend Binta (super bubbly and positive on the phone) called me with some exciting news she was keen to share.

?Very quickly I had to get grounded, while shifting my state from 'alert' to 'empathic'. I didn’t intend to ruin her magical moment.

?Without sufficient training, skill, and practice I would have probably been nervous, perhaps even accidentally snapped at her, or at best nor being fully present in our conversation.

Day to day

Throughout our days we tend to engage in a multitude of conversations, with family or friends (at work, in the gym, on transports or in any other social settings). Some of these interactions we label as pleasant, others less so. ?

Unfortunately, we inadvertantly tend to carry our moods with us, and into the next conversation without realising the impact they might have, particularly on those we are role models for.

Thankfully, the story I shared is a rare occurrence (at least in this angle of the world) however It is very apparent to me that much of the communication we engage in our daily interactions tends to be of a violent nature. What I mean by violent is that we can be forceful and transactional, while forgetting to meet people where they are. It sets a very dangerous precedent that can damage important relationships.

2 types of communication

Broadly, there are 2 types of communication: transactional (helpful, though surface level) and connected (deeper and personal).

An example of the former is: 'Mark can you do x, y, z for me please since you are already standing up?'

The latter would go something like: 'You don’t seem to be at your best today, Mark? Are you ok?'

When we don’t learn to be flexible and aware in the way we communicate with others, we risk ruining our relationships, including our intimate ones, not to mention our team culture.

?As a coach, a speaker and having trained for years with actors in the London comedy scene, I learned that to be an effective communicator the words you say matter only marginally. Studies show how your verbal communication accounts for only 7% of how your message is received. Spoken words are not as important as your body language, voice tonality and other non-verbal cues combined.

?A fantastic tool to help you become better aware is a book by Marshall B Rosenberg: Nonviolent Communication -- A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships

Why is this important?

Are you losing deals, isolating yourself, are people in your team leaving and you can’t quite put your finger on why that is? Are your intimate relationships suffering because of it?

How you conduct yourself is incredibly important, particularly in the coming years, where AI-enabled machines are speedily learning to use words far better than we, humans, can, and will soon be smarter in any other human measure of intelligence associated with cognitive reasoning (known as the singularity).

How flexible is your communication style? Can you shift from assertive to hard, from gentle to persuasive without losing composure? Can you effortlessly engage in conversations with people from many walks of life, educational and professional backgrounds?

This all seems like hard work, and perhaps it is. It requires humility and letting go of behaviours that no longer serve us. It requires becoming students again.

?Communication is everything

Communication is everything. It determines you career success, the quality of your intimate life and friendships, business opportunities and even if you can grow your business and get into partnership with interesting people.

?Are you dedicating sufficient time and attention in getting better at it?

?I’d argue that it is worth taking this very seriously.

Would you attempt to slice a steak with a teaspoon? Probably no. Get started and add some more tools to your toolbox. Marshall’s book is a great first resource.

#personaldevelopment #leadershipdevelopment #executivecoach