Can Women Really Have it All?
The very first thing you need to understand is that ‘having it all’ has a lot to do with your perception and relevant needs. Some women feel that juggling responsibilities causes them to lose a few hours here and there and they are thus missing out on one thing or another. Others may see this trade-off as necessary and understand that they do have everything despite that. The second thing you should know is that if you do miss out, it’s OK to not have everything given trade-offs are inevitable. You will make sacrifices and compromises, so be crystal clear with yourself about why you are making those trade-offs as this clarity is essential to stave off future guilt.
I, for one, truly believe that women can be whatever they want to be and have everything they want. However, that doesn’t mean women can have everything at the exact same time. “We can’t have it all,” recognises former Vogue editor-in-chief Alexandra Shulman who also believes women are setting ‘impossible standards’ for themselves. Despite being an obvious champion of ambitious women, she doesn’t believe that women can ‘have it all’. In Douglas Rushkoff’s blog No, We Can’t Have It All, he suggests that: “We must abandon the notion that anyone – man or woman – can fully dedicate themselves to both family and career at the same time. Sadly, perhaps, one parent will end up doing more parenting and miss out on career opportunities, while the other will miss out on some family joys but end up higher on the corporate ladder. This is more the problem of competitive corporate culture than it is the failure of individuals to find balance or to work hard enough.”
Businesswoman and author of Girl Boss, Sophia Amoruso, writes this: “It has been said that you can’t have it all, but I call bulls… on that. We can have it all. Just not all at the same time.” PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi, who is a very powerful corporate career woman, also believes that women can’t have it all. “We pretend we have it all. We pretend we can have it all. My husband and I have been married for 34 years and we have two daughters. Every day you have to make a decision about whether you are going to be a wife or a mother, in fact many times during the day you have to make those decisions. And you have to co-opt a lot of people to help you. We co-opted our families to help us.” She adds. In the same interview, she further recalls the day she was asked to be President of the Board of Directors – a monumental achievement but when she excitedly arrived home to share the news with family, her mom immediately told her to get a bottle of milk and asked her to share the news later. Here is what her mom said: “You might be president of PepsiCo. You might be on the board of directors. But when you enter this house, you’re the wife, you’re the daughter, you’re the daughter-in-law, you’re the mother. You’re all of that. Nobody else can take that place. So leave that damned crown in the garage. And don’t bring it into the house. You know I’ve never seen that crown.”
In her LinkedIn blog Katya Anderson discusses her cousin’s novel The Glitch. It’s the story of Shelley Stone, a wife, mother, and tech company CEO who is committed to living her most efficient life. To have it all, she takes her ‘me time’ at 3.30am on the treadmill, swallows Dramamine so she can work in the car, and buys a men’s multivitamin because she refuses to participate in her own oppression. The novel spans genres as part satire, part sci-fi and part mystery. Katya further adds that for them it’s less about ‘having it all’ and more about finding the best way to ‘keep it all together’. In the blog she also interviews the author Elizabeth Cohen who says it’s not easy: “I wanted to write a story that was honest about the contradictions that working mothers face: to clock long hours at work but also be a devoted, hands-on mum; to prioritise family but in a way that never interferes with a meeting or work event; to be strong and aggressive but come across as pleasant and ‘nice’; to be attractive but also smart; to have gravitas yet not look old.” Elizabeth further adds that she has never worked harder than she did as a working mum. No matter how much effort she puts in, she often feels like she is ‘coming up short’, by short-changing her kids, her job or herself. She confesses that some people perform really well under pressure and being bound to a tight schedule, but she wants to be occasionally sick and take a day off – a concept that is often not on the cards for working mums. Those mums who do work extra hard wake up super early or forgo ‘me time’ after work. Elizabeth adds that working dads don’t feel the same pressures since they are not responsible for housework nor burdened by society’s expectations. When talking about her husband she observes he has the ability to tune out certain things: “He doesn’t read all the emails from school, and he doesn’t feel bad about that. I feel an obligation to read them all.” This was so relatable!
The above examples put everything in a realistic perspective. If we keep believing in the idealistic notion that as women we can and must strive to have everything – a shining career, a blossoming family life and a perfectly balanced lifestyle all at once – then we are placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves. These impractical fantasies make millions of women blame themselves if they cannot climb the corporate ladder as fast as men, maintain a family and healthy home life, and be thin and beautiful as well. But the truth is you will always be missing out on something and that’s OK. No one can have it all. Not even men. There is a time for everything. If my career is doing exceptionally well right now, that’s because my son is older, and busy with school and after-school activities. A few years ago this was not the case. Despite employing a full-time nanny, I did not have the luxury of free time so my career took a back seat to motherhood. Having said that, I know there are professional mothers doing an amazing job managing both work and family lives. But these ‘supermums’ have either one or several of the following remarkable advantages: they are incredibly organised; self-employed; work from home or have flex hours at work; and/or have a solid support network with a dedicated spouse/partner and extended family. Jane from London says: “For me, it’s more NOMO (necessity of missing out). Full-time working, parenting and trying hard to be a good wife, friend and daughter whilst holding everything together means that some things have to give. I wish I could do it all.”
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