Can We Talk?!

How to Turn 3 Dreaded Words Into an Invitation to Real Connection

When I was growing up, “Can we talk” were three of the most dreaded words in the English language. If my Mom, or heaven forbid my Dad, said them to me, I wanted to hide under the couch as quickly as possible OR quickly feign some stomach virus and vomit so I could delay that conversation as long as I possibly could. Sharing that now does not make me feel proud in the least. But I’m being completely honest.

In my corporate experience, if the boss said “Hey, can we talk,” and it was in the hallway, that might have been a safe one for you, possibly recognition. But if they asked you to have the talk on a walk through the parking lot, well that might have been cause for concern.?

When someone calls me for coaching on how to have a difficult conversation, I typically hear someone that “sounds like” they want to rip the other person apart. At least at first LOL. They want to scold them, blame them, shame them. In short, they want to take the pain pill out of their own mouth and shove it down the other person’s.?

Of course, I let them get all that out because it needs to go somewhere and I’d prefer it to come out to me as there will be no damage to our relationship or judgment ever :) Then I immediately ask them a few questions:?

1. What do you really want? It’s rarely just to hurt or injure the other person in some way out of spite, anger or revenge. (Although it’s tempting to feel an instant high from verbally vomiting on them, it will sacrifice the partnership for the longer, more important run. Trust me. I’ve done it. Not productive and often regrettable.)? It’s more common that they really want to solve a problem. Verbally attacking them from the start of the conversation is never the path to solving a problem. In fact, it often exacerbates the one you already have and often causes new ones (i.e. erosion of trust and respect).??

1. Is what you want to say factual, your opinion or your experience? If you can first discern which it is, it helps to start the conversation by telling the person which it is. Don’t state your opinion as a fact. It may be true and “factual”? for you, but may not be for them. Your goal is healthy dialogue, not debate. If you really think about what you want to say, does it sound like you want to coerce or compel them to your way of thinking? If so, it’s not likely to be a fruitful or meaningful exchange. How you begin the conversation dictates whether or not it continues in a productive manner. I learned a long time ago that I can share my position with genuine passion as long as I am equally passionate about inviting the other person to share theirs and I really listen to them. If I don’t listen to them, why on earth would they feel compelled to listen to me? Where I come from, that’s manners, but that’s another story for another day.?
2. Is it helpful? This is a critical question that requires you to be really honest with yourself. I don’t mean, “Would it be helpful for YOU” to unload on the person?”? I’m asking if what you want to say is going to be helpful in solving the problem and strengthening the relationship. If it’s not going to contribute to solving the problem and it’s only going to make you feel better because you “got it off your chest,” I encourage you to let it go. Dump it. It will cause more harm and possibly no good at all. Your feelings aren’t facts. Don’t let them control the conversation and you, like a puppet. You’re smarter than that.?

There are so many powerful communication skills that you can learn that have the power to change your life for the better, both at work and at home. If you struggle to influence the behavior of other people, there are learnable techniques to do that. If you struggle speaking your mind and being both candid and respectful at the same time, there are learnable techniques to do that too. If you have a hard time initiating and completing difficult conversations successfully, it’s time to learn to play the one instrument you may not have signed up for lessons on yet - your voice.?

After studying teams for more than 30 years, I can say without hesitation that today, conversational competence is the differentiating factor between a team that is not performing well and one that is blowing the doors off of desired results. Investments in developing the skills required to hold meaningful, effective face-to-face conversations among your team and between them and your customers will yield significant returns. Those conversations are THE path to trust, respect, empathy and genuine connections that that deliver results.