Can We Stop Trying to Bounce Back?

"What's wrong with me? Every time I think about it, I'm like a dog with a bone. I just can't let it go."

The shake in Taylor's voice was proving difficult to hide. It had been almost a year since the divorce, and he was still struggling.

Taylor's therapist had referred him to me in the hopes that some coaching and skill-building would help Taylor rekindle his energy and passion for work as well as life.

"I'm so tired of being angry," he went on. "I'm so tired of being tired. What's keeping me from bouncing back? "

As he spoke, I couldn't help but think about how common his experience was.

Taylor was trying to bounce back from his divorce, but as he quickly learned, there really is no such thing. There is no magic pill to make the pain disappear, and no amount of positive thinking will permanently erase the hurt and disappointment of what has happened.

So when something terrible happens, why do people immediately start saying things like, "I just have to bounce back from this" or "I'll bounce back to my old self in no time"?

Let's stop "bouncing back" and start "bouncing forward" instead.

The first problem is that the words imply there is a way to go back to how things were before. Like there's a magical rubber band that will always pull you back to your original spot no matter how many times you get knocked down.

I'm not saying that people never recover from setbacks or that having a successful rebound after a challenging experience is impossible. Post-traumatic growth, the subject of much research and many excellent books, is a real and wonderful thing.

But I?am?saying that recovering and getting to a place where one is thriving and growing is not something that always happens automatically or effortlessly.

What if we're grieving an unspeakable loss or dealing with a debilitating chronic illness? What if the culture in our workplace is so toxic that "bouncing back" would mean compromising our integrity and values?

In these cases, bouncing back is not only unrealistic, but it's also potentially dangerous to our long-term emotional and physical well-being.

For Taylor, finding a new way to appreciate his life post-divorce took some time. He was not only mourning what was, but he was also grieving what he had imagined his future might be.

In coaching conversations, finding a new perspective or re-framing an existing problem is often the first step to creating peace of mind and opening up to new possibilities.

Next time you need to deal with a challenging experience that was out of your control; instead of trying to return to the way things were, try asking yourself:

• What can I learn from this experience?
• How can I use this to make my life better?
• And instead of asking, "why is this happening?to?me?" try asking, "why is this happening?for?me?".

And most importantly, reach out for support. Talk to a trusted friend, coach, or therapist--someone with your best interests at heart who will encourage you to take the steps you need to recover healthily.

Wishing you strength and courage as you journey forward.

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It's common for me to write about topics that come up repeatedly during coaching sessions, and some of you have asked me if the conversations I share with you are real. They are. Even though they are composites of sometimes up to six different clients, the heart of the conversations is real. Rest assured, my top priorities include my clients' privacy and following the International Coaching Federation's Code of Ethics.

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Dana brings more than 30 years of business, arts, and entertainment experience to his challenging and dynamic Executive Coaching and Training work.