Can we objectively define Respect? Yes, it's an active practice.

I've been chewing on an idea, as a leader: objectively defining respect.? The concepts described here are in my own words, but I'm sure there are many similar versions of what I'm about to write, with more established vocabulary. Also these are my personal perspectives and views, not belonging to any company.? Caveats aside, I'd be interested in comparing the below to other sources.?

Respect is an active practice. Respect means actively recognizing the Boundaries of others. Boundaries are defined by Time, Energy, and Identity.

It's often treated casually, connotatively, subjectively....vaguely.? When something has an objective definition, there is shared understanding, leading to empathy.? Something purely subjective can be very difficult to relate to, to authentically acknowledge and relate to personally.? My attempt below is incomplete, but I'd like to offer a framework.

Finally, this isn't a list of do's and don'ts. It's a framework for starting conversations from the right setting. As people, we're all on a path to reduce anxiety and sorrow. We don't have complete view or perspectives, we strive to have appropriate conversations and feel proud of our livelihood, and to be mindfully aware of what we pay attention to. This is my way of considering what to concentrate on, so that thoughts and ideas arise from the right place, actions have the least friction, and the right amount of effort is needed.

"Why do we need to define Respect objectively?"

As members of communities, we need to bridge relationships between generations, backgrounds, family histories, and experiences -- both in the contexts within and outside of the workplace.??Our communities through work extend far beyond that space, often across vendors, employees, customers, clients, stakeholders, shareholders, neighbors, managers.

Every single conversation is a chance to actively practice respect. Every communication implies power dynamics and respect level. I may come from a place where respect means following a set of behaviors totally different from my neighbor. If I want to communicate my respect for them, I consider "what does respect look like for them?" ....Eventually I've arrived at "How am I trying to make them feel respected in this space?" In other words, what do I think my actions signal from their perspective, and can I check myself?

"What is the currency of Respect?"

The phrase "paying respect" is apt. But what's a useful common currency of Respect?

Respect means actively recognizing the Boundaries of others. Boundaries are defined by Time, Energy, and Identity.

In business, we're paid.? Payment, however, is not the currency of respect.? Payment is value.? We can value things, and not respect them.

Or to quote MadMen (source)....

Boundaries are the currency of respect.

Defining Boundaries, acknowledging boundaries & seeing the boundaries of others -- that reminds them that they are safe, they can be themselves, they can do their best.

Three Boundaries to Respect: Time, Energy & Identity

Respect means that while we often ask to use people's Time, Energy, Identity (perspectives and labels), these are predicated on the understanding that it's always theirs to offer and control. The understanding of self-ownership establishes feelings of safety, which allows for people's best selves to get to work. If we don't feel safe, we spend precious resources protecting ourselves.

I'd like to unpack three phrases:

1. I respect your Time
2. I respect your Energy?
3. I respect your Identity

Time: "I respect?your Leisure Time."

In business, overtime happens, it's necessary, sometimes a lot.? There is an important message though, when asking for more from your team, from your partners, from your vendors -- that they know you're coming from the same place as them.??This doesn't just mean their time on the clock, but from their perspective, how are we defending their time off the clock.

For me, good practice phrases include: "How can we get this finished, efficiently with planning and foresight? What do you have and what do you need so that you can do this (source material and tools)? Can we estimate how long this might require (and what if it requires double)? Are you OK with this, or do you need help? How does potential help affect the timeline? I acknowledge I'm asking for your weekend time, and I don't do this lightly."

Energy: "I want to save your energy."

I often find in meetings, there are interruptions or breakout sessions, and a habit comes up: "while that's happening, let's change subjects to something else at the same time."? This assumes juggling solutions is easier, I sometimes hear it called "bouncing around" or "multi-tasking." Bouncing around between two tasks takes more energy than doing each with focus. When necessary for deadlines this can be a requirement, but does it need to be the default? Actively giving priority to Energy would mean instead, giving pause, giving space. A moment of silence can feel unnatural, but can be comforting when it saves energy.

I've seen Bouncing Around become the default in many settings. I'd like to quote Zen teacher Thich Naht Hahn: "don't just do something, sit there!"? Often the most productive action is the opposite of rushing ahead.? Rushing ahead in business often creates multiple versions to untangle, breaks documentation processes requiring retroactive tracking, and prevents stakeholders from feeling accountable.

For me, good practice phrases include: "I want to save your energy.? I want to make use of this time with other things, but I recognize it can take more energy away from?the?original intention of this meeting. I can pause here. If anything comes up for you, we can discuss."

Identity: "I respect all the ways you see yourself (or identities), and I respect how you wish to use them"

In business, our identities give us perspective and labels. They belong to each individual person to use with clear protection and consent.

?- Case 1 - Protection: Maybe someone wishes to use different pronouns, or sings to themselves when they do desk work, or eats pungent food, or speaks a different language,?or they have physical characteristics (like having a tremor or closing their eyes when they think), and those around them feel unease or unnatural because it stands out.?

To me, respecting the individual here means accommodating the fact that they have full control of their behaviors.? Respecting them is a reminder their?body and their behavior is no one's to?control but their own. These examples could be topics for careful conversation, but predicated on giving them space to continue being themselves, not asking them to change.

?- Case 2 - Consent: Maybe a person doesn't want to emphasize their differences, but a company is looking to showcase their diversity.??

To me, respecting the individual here means removing pressures to share their labels or perspectives. And giving space for the opportunity.

Sharing in diversity requires authentic curiosity, trust (believing), and compassion (not conforming is often punished or laughed off) in order to incorporate perspectives. Receiving perspectives also does not equate to consent to sharing labels on projects or products, e.g. "minority owned," "minority-led".

For me, good practice phrases include: "I want to respect your identity and how you use it.? I'd like to engage with your perspective to enrich our work, but I want to give you space and listen instead of making assumptions.? Also, after incorporating your perspective, I'd like to give an opportunity to add your identity to the label.? I don't want to be performative, but I do want to be transparent with you that I am aware of the potential value that could add.? Also, I understand this can feel dangerous for you, so please take your time. I can appreciate that being careful takes time, being careful gives you more safety, and I want to give space so that you can choose to join at any level."

Again, why?

Reducing Negatives

Reduce avoidable workplace friction. It's important to articulate what "respect" specifically is, because working off of assumptions often leads to unnecessary?friction.? Working from unspoken assumptions equates to the expectation that others can read minds,?which is an unfair?expectation.? If one group does not feel respected by the other, they may react defensively.? Then when another need arises, the next request has more emphatic urgency, which feels like aggression. Aside from raising taller barriers, this draws resources (of time and energy) away from businesses (or opportunities to connect).? ?

Respect is often misunderstood as equating to legal counterparts, e.g. anti-discrimination, equal opportunity, or fair business practices. Respect as an acknowledgement of Boundaries, however, seeks to address similar roots of issues miles before those issues apply. That, I personally believe, does reduce the risk of erring into some of those territories. It is not the same as adhering to the law.

Increases Positives

Respect actually creates opportunities internally and externally. This framework welcomes bigger talent pools, more diversity, more people feel safe, more people feel invited. That generates better relationships in organizations, better customer relationships, better relationships across organizations from partners to clients. Better culture. More business.

I've been considering 2024's post-Covid landscape so far, featuring more remote workplaces than ever, and catchy Millennial-bashing news trends, from "lazy employees not wanting to work" or "working in-person proven/disproven to make productivity," to "quiet quitting," to "lazy girl job" headlines (shoutout applause for @antiworkgirlboss)-- modern talent is seeking Respect, in the currency of appreciable Boundaries. While news articles seem sour about having dignity, there is opportunity in getting talent savvy enough to calculate the worth of the work they do (and by extension capable of understanding correct pricing generally, in the context of labor cost, supply and demand).

Finally, it also makes it easier to handle the real emergencies. When boundaries are respected, then we know what somethings really important, really an exception.

Promotes Community

This is not only a personal issue, or a generational issue, or a multi-cultural issue.? It truly is a diversity issue,?a community issue.? Many people enter a space where they aren't part of the conforming majority, and feel less-than-certain about feeling respected.? Vice versa, a majority group member may feel threatened when their cultural habits aren't conformed to (e.g. "this the way it's always been"). Those are the risks of assumptions.? Avoidable assumptions can lead to avoidable?escalation, create avoidable?friction, and ultimately avoidable problems.??

Active Respect, can save energy for better work, save time for faster results, and protect identities for enduring relationships and deeper understanding.

For me, showing that I'm trying to acknowledge the other side's time, energy, and identity, whenever it's part of the request, has given me stronger relationships and better work.