Can We Be Grateful for Envy?

Envy always implies conscious inferiority wherever it resides.

PLINY THE ELDER

Okay, I have a small confession to make. The quotation that I was going to use is attributed to Gore Vidal—every time a friend succeeds, I die a little—but I kept searching for what I thought was more highbrow and settled on Pliny.

Is that my own sense of inferiority peeking through? Probably.

It's also a good example that a sense of unworthiness is part of the human condition. I hear it from many talented, accomplished, good-hearted people. And I feel it myself.

Envy was triggered in me last week when I reconnected with a college friend on Facebook. There she was smiling at me from a photo with her husband, while on vacation in Cabo. Her kids are in college, and she and her husband are enjoying traveling, just the two of them. She has the Catholic family I thought I'd have.

Of course I'm happy for my friend, but there's a part of me that wonders what my life would be like if I'd made different choices. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about it, and ended up walking up and down my hallway crying. I gave myself the love and compassion I needed. I also journaled and prayed, then I went back to sleep.

In the morning, I was back to feeling the peace and joy that I feel most often these days. I am immensely grateful for the life I'm living, and I am also grateful for the catalyst that allowed me to move through some grief I didn't realize I was holding.

In my experience, a twinge of envy can be a signal from my own heart that there's an unmet, unacknowledged, or unseen desire. I believe that the desire is not actually for the thing we're coveting; it's for our own self love and the acceptance of our union with god.

The next time you feel jealous of someone, instead of indulging in it or trying to resist it, ask yourself what you need from yourself. Ask it, "What are you here to teach me? How can I love you better?"

And please, don't be afraid to ask for help from someone else if that's what you need. You're welcome to reach out to me.