Can We Disagree and Still Be Friends?

Today, meaningful conversations are more critical than ever. With the vast array of opinions circulating on every platform, it's easy to find ourselves caught in heated debates. This brings us to a crucial question: Can we disagree with someone and still be friends?

The media often manipulates narratives, setting us on emotional spirals. It's easy to get caught up in our feelings, especially when discussing topics we are passionate about. Arguments can quickly become heated, with harsh words exchanged and active listening abandoned. But at the end of the day, if you disagree with someone, can you still maintain a friendship?

I hope the answer is yes. If your answer is no, perhaps because you feel the other person's views are extreme or emotionally triggering, ask yourself why. Why does this disagreement evoke such a strong emotional response? Why can't you accept that someone might have a different opinion? As long as their views aren't harming you or your loved ones, the best you can do is share your perspective, remain cordial, and appreciate their differing viewpoint.

The Compass of Friendship

In his book, The Compass of Friendship: Narratives, Identities, and Dialogues, William K. Rawlins explores friendship dynamics through the lenses of narratives, identities, and dialogues. Rawlins delves into how friendships are formed, maintained, and sometimes dissolved through the stories we tell, the identities we construct, and the dialogues we engage in.

He emphasizes the importance of communication and understanding in friendships, highlighting how diverse perspectives and respectful disagreements can strengthen bonds and enhance personal growth. This aligns with the idea that differing viewpoints within a friendship foster critical thinking and empathy, contributing to well-rounded, informed individuals.

The Benefits of Disagreements in Friendships

A study by R.E. Adams and B. Laursen, published in the Journal of Family Psychology, titled The Correlates of Conflict: Disagreement is Not Necessarily Detrimental, found that disagreements within relationships, including friendships, are not inherently harmful and can be beneficial if managed constructively. The study highlights that conflicts can lead to greater understanding and stronger bonds when handled with respect and open communication. It underscores that resolving disagreements is crucial in determining their impact on relationships.?

Personally, I'm not perfect. Sometimes, people say things that are hard to hear, and I may need a break from them.

However, I always try to return to the conversation and seek understanding. Some topics are dealbreakers for me, such as racial insensitivity or continued ignorance. In these cases, it might be best to part ways. For instance, if someone consistently makes derogatory remarks about a particular race or refuses to acknowledge their privilege, it could be a dealbreaker. But generally, if I have a heated disagreement with someone, I strive to revisit the discussion later.

The book Relationship Conflict: Conflict in Parent-Child, Friendship, and Romantic Relationships by DJ Canary, WR Cupach, and S Messman emphasizes that conflict is an enduring or persistent interaction element in any relationship. The authors discuss how conflict arises naturally as part of the dynamic of two people relating to each other.

Notably, the book highlights how managing conflicts can significantly influence the quality of the relationship. This underscores the importance of active listening, empathetic communication, and validation of each other's feelings in maintaining trust and respect, even in the face of conflicts.

In my book, Shatter the Sky: What Going to the Stratosphere Taught Me About Self-Worth, Sacrifice, & Discipline, I emphasize that if I can't have a beer with someone after a disagreement, someone took it personally. I admit I'm not always perfect, and there are lines that, once crossed, cannot be overlooked.

Let's not call the whole thing off, maybe?

Try to agree or disagree while remaining friends. Recognize that differing perspectives can enrich your understanding of the world. It doesn't mean you must compromise your values; it simply means you understand and respect the differences. Embrace this as an opportunity for personal growth and a deeper understanding of the world around you.

Let's strive to keep our friendships intact despite our disagreements. After all, our differences make our conversations rich and our friendships strong. Remember, it's not about avoiding disagreements but navigating them with respect and understanding and emerging with our friendships intact.