Can a Marriage Survive a Woman’s Success?

(Post originally done on my Facebook page)

Isabel Do Santos of Angola. 

Folorunsho Alakija of Nigeria.

What do these two people have in common?

Five things:

1. Female

2. African

3. Married

4 .Mothers

5. Super-rich (By that I mean they are billionaires in U.S dollar terms.)

Folorunsho is currently worth 1.6 billion USD.

In 2014, she was named the world’s richest black woman when she unseated Oprah Winfrey for that position.

Isabel Do Santos, is currently worth 3.2billion USD. She is Africa’s richest woman 2017.

Now, whenever I look at lists of the world’s richest people, there are few women or none at all.

When I look at a list of successful women, I find a number of them are single, a good number divorced. No, I am not just making this stuff up. List down names of successful women in the Zambian political scene and tell me how many of them are married.

I have no idea how they became single but those are numbers and numbers don’t lie.

Yes, some are married. However, in a group of 100 successful men and 100 successful women, they will be more married men than married women.

Why? Is being married and being a successful woman incompatible?

Here are some thoughts:

1. Power

Truth be told, some relationships are based on the man being completely in charge of the wife’s life and he can say yes or no to her plans anytime. For her to make it, it has to be either with a supportive man or without that man.

Other times, it’s that as a woman becomes more successful, the balance of power shifts and this doesn’t work well with some marriages.

Here is what I mean: when they got married, the woman stayed home, did all the chores and literally attended to the husband like a second baby. As her little home business grows, she becomes busier and busier and it is no longer practical for her to do all that she used to. The man must often pitch in and help with the kids and the house chores. Not every man is willing to do that.

2. Traditional expectations from a wife

Oprah is single but she has been dating a man, Stedman for gasp…31 years. Here is what she said when asked why she chose to never get married:

"I'm not a traditional woman and I haven't had a traditional life,

and I think that had Stedman and I gotten married, we certainly wouldn't have stayed married… what it means to be a wife and the responsibility and sacrifice that carries — I wouldn't have held that very well."

The traditional role of the wife has been home making and raising kids.

However, looking after children, especially before they are old enough to start school is a full time career. Two parents with equally demanding careers or businesses will find it hard to balance. It usually works well when one of the parents slows down to accommodate this important work. But who will it be? Traditionally it’s the wife. There goes her hope for mega success… for now.

3. Traditional wife roles.

Some men say things like “I didn’t marry the maid, I married you, I don’t want the maid to cook for me.”

Here is what Folorunsho said in an interview about being a rich wife “I still cook for my husband and wash his undies.” In a more recent interview, she said she has a chef and house helpers but still cooks sometimes.

In a different interview she said “he asked me to stop washing his undies 6 years ago.” Some women try to do it all. Is it realistic?

Can it be the husband to slow down and look after the kids so that the wife has more time for her business and work? Or is this concept too Western?

What if she can bring in more money than her husband? Will the marriage survive?

What do you think? To be continued…

Nyamuka Zambia #GamePlan

PART 2...

We continue the discussion of a married woman’s success and factors around it. Can a woman be married and also be highly successful in her business?

Perception – a girl(wife) should not do better than you.

Here is my view: this is just a belief and not everyone has it. In fact many people no longer belief this but I know some who still do. Either way, it’s a belief that brings up insecurity and causes some men to not want a woman to outshine them.

Sometimes it’s not even the man himself but the pressure from society which may comment negatively about a man who is less successful than the wife. This discourages some good husbands from rendering full support and some ‘good wives’ who end up ‘shrinking’ their success to avoid outshining him.

What do you think about this?

Some men are willing to help with house work to lighten the load but their wives won’t let them. Or they can only do it in the absence of their relatives. How many elderly Zambian women will be happy to visit their married son’s home and find him cleaning the house? I have heard marriage counsellors tell a woman to never marry a man who earns less than herself.

In fact, one piece of marital advice one older lady gave me was “a good wife makes sure she is never more successful than her husband”. Trust me; we would need a full day workshop to discuss this statement! LOL.

What about the promotion of women to embrace business? Is it conditional?

‘ Yes embrace business but not too much?’

Or

“Yes, become successful but not more than your husband.”

Or 

‘Yes be successful but continue doing all the chores at home?’

Here is one I was told by a lady during a recent women’s meeting I attended: “women should develop their passion but not overdo it by overtaking men.”

No am not getting into that right now.

Some men argue that they want to support their wife’s success but women lose respect for their husbands once they become successful.

Does this mean you can’t be successful and still be married? 

Well, Folorunsho and Isabel are mega successful and married. So are Edith Nawakwi and Mizinga Melu. Other successful married women include Kamla Persad-Bissessar former prime minister of Trinidad and Tobago, Atifete Jahjaga former President of Kosovo, Helle Thorning-Schmidt former Prime Minister of Denmark.

Others are powerful, divorced women. These include the likes of Germany Chancellor Angela Merkel, President of Liberia, Sirleaf-Johnson, former President of Argentina Cristina to name a few.

Others remain single or are widowed but they don’t remarry. This includes Dalia, former president of Luthania, Sheikh Hasina Wajed former prime minister of Bangladesh.

It does appear that you can be a married woman and still be successful in business in career. But it also appears to be a challenge.

Some men say they want to support their wives but their need to win, to be the man and be better is just inborn in a man. 

Therefore, supporting their wife’s success is not easy for them.

Is it inborn or it’s just part of our culture?

What do you think? As a man, are you comfortable with Oprah-level of success in a wife? How much of traditionally wife duties can she delegate?

As a woman, do you think marriage affects a woman’s success? If so, in what way?

Nyamuka Zambia