Can love languages help create better teams and more satisfying careers?

After reading Dr. Gary Chapman’s 1992 couple’s self-help classic, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts , I couldn’t stop thinking about applying the idea of love languages to work.?

Although we rarely speak about our jobs in these terms, they are often complex mental, emotional, and spiritual undertakings, laden with social expectations – just like our intimate relationships.

We may pay lip service to concepts like “Work to live, don’t live to work,” but in practice, many of us expect our careers to define our desirability, give us a platform for self-expression, unlock the power of collaboration, and give us a sense of purpose—all while giving us safety and stability.?

It’s no wonder that millions haven’t found the work they feel is right for them. And because our occupation is much of what occupies our focus as an adult, those disheartening feelings can multiply.

But instead of settling for an unsatisfactory work life, what if you could learn the love languages and transform it??

Teams often fracture under the weight of a non-caring culture. After all, people do the work, and if people don’t feel like they are being treated with care, kindness, or appreciation—and especially if they and their efforts are met with apathy, dismissiveness, and coldness—they do not do their best work. Sometimes they even get resentful and stop doing their work altogether. A team of resentful people doesn’t produce stellar collaboration, incredible outcomes, and long-range individual satisfaction.?

If you are a leader, you can theoretically change that, by applying love languages to help your team members feel appreciated, safe, understood, important, and secure. If it’s your boss who is responsible for company culture, that’s beyond your control, but knowing your love language can help you make change or find the place that’s right for you.

Here is my take on Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages, in the context of work. If you are enticed by these ideas, feel free to experiment with them and report back what you discover!?

If your love language is… Words of Affirmation

Within the work context, it looks like… Written or verbal communication to express active encouragement, appreciation, affirmation. There’s no need to wait until the annual review to share what impact a person has on the team, the role, the company, the customers, etc.?

Words of affirmation can be especially powerful outside of the typical work communication channels. Also do not underestimate the power of a hand-written note, an encouraging “I see you” sticky note, or shout-outs as a regular feature of team meetings.

If your love language is… Quality Time

Within the work context, it looks like… Showing up with your full presence and/or lending your undivided attention, using eye contact and practicing active listening. Quality time can include team-building activities, spending “human time” together as a team, socializing or getting offsite, e.g., having a meal together, celebrating birthdays, planning a strategy retreat, a field day, a corporate run, etc.?

If your love language is… Acts of Service

Within the work context, it looks like… Taking actions that make your colleagues’ or bosses’ daily actions or ultimate success easier or more comfortable. By some definitions, this is a classic version of “managing up,” however, thoughtful actions are also very powerful to help an individual or the whole team be more successful. This could include getting an extra cup of joe for someone who can’t go on the coffee run, calling the elevator for a colleague who’s running late to a meeting, rescheduling (or cancelling) meetings that don’t have an agenda, stocking your desk with energy bars for colleagues who often forget to eat lunch, helping a colleague move boxes, bringing a cake for a team member’s birthday, etc.?

You can also perform real acts of service as a team, such as volunteering for a neighborhood clean-up, serving lunch at a soup kitchen, passing out water at a race, etc.

If your love language is… Gifts

Within the work context, it looks like… Being generous. Although one typically doesn’t expect a company to give its team or leaders concrete and recurring gifts, for many companies, generosity can present itself as tangible reminders that you and your work are appreciated. Items in this category don’t have to cost money, but they are usually meaningful. Many companies give out commemorative pins and plaques to mark significant years of service, but some of the most meaningful acts of generosity a company can give often involve other types of recognition or time off.?

If you are a decision-maker, consider whether it could be appropriate to grant the team an extra day off during the holidays, for a birthday, or during summertime. Consider surprise incentives like a gift card or leaderboard recognition for outstanding performance or achievements, annual thank-you notes on team members’ work-aversaries, etc. These generous acts can become part of the intangibles that make your company even more competitive and desirable among prospective team members; one company I worked for mentioned during onboarding that they gave out vouchers for turkeys at Thanksgiving.?

If your company is particularly innovative, you could take a page from 3M or FedEx and grant your team one day per month or a certain number per year to work on their own “good idea” projects inside the company. This is how the sticky note was born!

If your love language is… Physical Touch

Within the work context, it looks like… Obviously, this is the least “work-appropriate” of the five languages, but consider whether high-fives, fist pumps or fist bumps might be effective in certain contexts, such as while celebrating achievements.

For virtual meetings, perhaps the team could use Zoom’s “reactions” menu (where you can virtually clap or smile), or specify which emojis mean certain things among your team, and encourage their use in the chat box.

Safety is the most important element; make sure everyone understands and consents to these practices before you move forward.

What is your work love language, and does your company or team speak it? What is the effect?