Episode 0: Can I be a mom at work? Let's find out.

My first child was born almost 5 years ago now. He was followed by his brother, a few years later, and more recently, our baby girl, who is now 8 months old. In many ways I’ve been incredibly lucky - I have a great parenting and life partner, we are financially stable, our children are healthy, and so are we. And in other ways it’s been tremendously difficult - we have little to no family support, there was the pandemic, and finding reliable and quality childcare is a topic that brings me to curse instantly it is so impossible. Alongside all this parenting I’m doing I’ve largely been working. Not just because of the income thing, I like to work; my career is important to me.?

When my first son was born I ran my own consulting business, taking on corporate contracts for curriculum design and some independent coaching clients as well. I then moved to part time work as a marketing consultant, where I project-managed marketing engagements through the heart of the pandemic, and had my second son. When I felt I was ready for a change, about 2 years ago, I took on a full time startup job, going back to my earlier profession leading career services for ed tech companies. And that’s where I sit today.?

But throughout all of this working and parenting and quarantining and then getting back to life post-pandemic, I have had a consistent nagging thought: I want my life to feel more integrated, more whole.

As a working parent, there is Work Me, and then there is Mom Me. On some days this is okay. I send my kids to school or off with a nanny we love, and I’m able to put on my proverbial (and real life) blazer and get down to business, feeling professional and capable, and then take it off when they get home to enjoy quality time together. But on most days it gives me emotional and cognitive whiplash to transition between these identities. The school will call or close, the nanny will take a vacation, the baby will scream through the walls, work will need something urgently when I’m sitting down with my toddlers who have craved my attention all day. I need to set the kids aside to get the work done, or the work lags when my kids are present, and I'm bad at both, guilty 100% of the time.?

My guilt is deep-seated. I was raised by a working mom, who definitely veered more to the “working” part of that title. What I learned from her was that to have a career is wonderful, meaningful, and important for so many reasons, and I have taken her role modeling well on that front. But I was also left behind - a lot. And I want something different for my children: I want them to know that I will choose them every time. And for me I want a choice like that - between meeting their needs and doing an important job that I love - to be rare. To get to this place from where I am today will require a change.

My ideal is to be able to be present for my kids without feeling guilty, and to lead successfully in my work in a way that doesn’t require keeping them out of mind in order to do it. I am imagining a work life where, if one of them is sick, I can simply be with them, not worry about who I’m going to get to babysit or how I’m going to take an important call with a crying voice in the background. Or, if I’m traveling for business, I’m taking the family along. Or, I’m watching them go happily about their day while I’m leading a meeting, not missing a beat, no interruption minded. Or, maybe I’m teaching a class and they’re participating too, or giving me feedback on a project I’m working on when they run in the door. I want to know the work I’m doing directly benefits them and improves their lives today, and they can have a hand in it.?

There are a lot of job types and roles that I think could help me create this blend of whole-person professional and personal identity that I’m craving; I have plenty of ideas. And, there are likely a lot of options I haven’t considered.?

Today I’m embarking on a quest to re-create my work life around this blend between who I am to my kids and who I am as a professional. I will aim to eliminate the “parent guilt” I feel when doing my work, will set out to do work that feels deeply important, impactful, and that lets me include my family life in any way possible. I will aim to build a legacy of professional impact, solving real world problems, but also as a present and engaged and emotionally whole parent, partner, and community member.

If I’m successful, there will be so many wins in this, for myself, for my kids, my partner, but also for plenty of other working parents who want something like this but don’t think it’s possible, or who can’t figure out how to get more balance in their own life. It will also hopefully be a win for the young women who so often tell me they don’t think they’ll have kids even though they want to, because it seems too hard to be a working parent. There are way too many of them out there these days.

So! Will I start another business? Will I work at my kids’ school? Will I write books or farm tomatoes or run for office? Will I lead people and culture at a forward thinking company? Will I go for a PhD? Will I simply negotiate for different hours and project deliverables? I have no idea what the next step will be, but I’d love to bring you along and share the ride. Maybe you’ll have ideas for me, and maybe I’ll stumble on something you can apply in your own journey, too. One thing is for sure - no one should parent, or work, and especially not both at the same time, alone.

#parenting #career #worklifebalance

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This post is part of a series by Janet Matta exploring career decisions that could better integrate parenting and work life. Links to each episode in the series:

Episode 1: Is it Time to Start a School?