Can Fathers Struggle with Parenting Too?

They both gaze longingly at their baby, born only moments ago. Both cannot believe their beautiful baby boy is finally here. He looks at his wife then back at their baby’s big curious eyes. He feels this urge to wants to pinch himself to make sure it is real.?

Even though he knows the baby cannot technically see them clearly yet, he feels this overwhelming sense of connecting with his son, seeing each other for the first time.?

He looks at his wife again, they smile at each other and say in unison, “Jack", as they both look back down at him.?

He can distinctly remember the overwhelming sense of warmth and joy in that moment as he stared at Jack for the first time.

Shaking his head, he can feel the memory quickly become distant in his mind, bringing himself back into the present moment.?

In the distance, he can hear crying - loud, incessant screeching.

He continues to sit there in the armchair, which is hidden behind the door of the spare room. The screams still coming through the walls from Jack, with the subtler noise of his wife trying to soothe his crying. He drops his head into his hands and muffles the noise with his hands over his ears.

As he clenches his eyes shut, he remembers always feeling as though he was the odd one out of his friends. He always dreamt of being a dad. Although he had hobbies, an active social life, he just knew deep down he always really wanted kids and had this idea of what kind of dad he would be. Tough but loveable. Protective but wanting to sure they knew how to fend for themselves.?

And although he was one of the first of his group of friends to have a baby, he was by no means was na?ve either, he knew how hard a baby was.

Going into parenthood, everyone knew his wife had a history of depression, so the doctors and family have all had a heightened awareness of how she is, what is she feeling, is she going ok. Constantly checking in with her, making sure she is supporting her own mental health.?

But in everyone's fear of her becoming unwell again or feeling unsupported as the mum, nobody has asked about him.?

From the moment they brought Jack home, Jack didn’t really want anything to do with him.

He tries to take him when he is crying, he tries to settle him, he tries to give him all the love in the world but the resounding response over his short 8 months has been his little arms only ever want mum. His tears are only soothed by mums hugs. He doesn't settle to sleep unless he has mums voice. He simply wants mum.?

Although he knows logically it isn't 'personal', he cannot help but feel rejected as a parent.

As he continues to sit in the armchair, he notices he has pulled at a loose string on the chair while fiddling with it in his fingers. It flicks his memory back to the fist time he felt Jack's tiny hands and fingers. The same hands that he had imagined so many times to reach out for him, but, in reality, they rarely do.?

He feels this sense of hollowness inside that he can't quite place. An overwhelming sadness reaching through inside of him.??He’s not the dad he always thought he’d be, he barely even feels like a dad at all.?

As he sits there, letting the feelings taking over him, he whispers to himself, All I wanted to be was dad, but instead… he chokes slightly…I am not anything at all.?

Feelings of intense sadness, waves of not being motivated anymore, not enjoying the things they used to enjoy, feeling a lack of competence as a parent – can dads really feel this way even though they weren’t the ones who gave birth?

When we think about mental health challenges post-having a baby, whether that is parental burnout, post-partum depression or anxiety, we almost always immediately think of the mum.

Post-partum means post having a baby, right? And mums are the one who physically have the baby so they are the only ones who can have post-partum issues, right??

This isn’t only the case. Dads can struggle too.

But, unfortunately the role of dad isn't as readily considered when we think about the impact of parenting. As a result, we can neglect to think about the unique challenges that dads face when becoming a parent for the first time.?

Although postpartum depression is defined as ‘post-baby’, it doesn’t matter if it was the mum or dad, what matters is whether the individual experiences significant mental health challenges as a response to welcoming a child into their world – regardless of their gendered role.

Unbeknown to many, postpartum depression can affect up to as many as 10% of fathers in Australia and has debilitating impacts as similar to major depression disorder. In the same notion, we also know that parental burnout affects mothers and fathers in equal proportions, and, in fact, fathers are more vulnerable to imbalance between the risks and resources that result in parental burnout.

As a result, fathers can experience serious consequences – such as violent and neglectful parenting, emotional distancing from family, and even suicidal ideation and desire to escape.

Many fathers report that they particularly struggle with the balance between being expected to be the breadwinner of the home, keeping up with growing finances, and not feeling comfortable to ask for the same opportunities to stay home as mothers do.

In a study that explored fathers who were experiencing parental burnout, a father notably shared:

“[I wish men would have] a genuinely equal opportunity to stay home on parental leave [as what the women have] without it affecting family income negatively. The bene?t of the family always overrides the bene?t of the father.”

It is easy to assume that it is only the mother who may struggle through parenthood, but fathers have unique challenges that means they might struggle to. Complicated by the fear of speaking up, and being taught to keep emotions at bay, the needs of the fathers are being unmet through a system that focuses on mothers.

This isn’t to say we should take away from mothers to provide support for fathers, but both genders need to be considered when we develop workplace policies, systems of support, and thinking creatively about we lift the burden that comes with being a working parent.

After all – mothers and fathers are both parents, why should we not realise that both can may need to support in adjusting to the new role?

Camille Wilson is the founder of Grow Together Now?and partners with companies as a mental health speaker, author and consultant on engaging with mental health in the workplace.