It Can Be AND. It Doesn’t Have To Be OR.

Fuck false dichotomies.?

Every last one of them.?

They do nothing but hold you back and keep you spinning in confusion and either guilt or shame. Commonly both.

But we are inundated with them from birth. (And there’re some strong arguments to be made for them cropping up whilst still swimming around in the womb. Or even earlier if we consider epigenetics)

“You can have money OR love.”

“You can be rich OR happy.”

“You can be pretty OR kind.”

“You can worship Jesus (generally in a very specific way) OR incur everlasting torture in hell.”

Now, listen. On that last one, I’m not here to tell you what to believe. But for those of you who have walked away from the patriarchal construct of American Christianity, you know what I’m talking about.?

And on the one before — fuck pretty.?

But these are the kinds of notions that are baked into our society.?

When we look at some of the more specific kinds of false dichotomies we carry, they can cause a lot of emotional turmoil.?

I can’t tell you how many times it’s come up on a coaching call that you can be kind AND have firm boundaries. That it’s possible to love someone AND not let them treat you poorly. That you can leave a relationship (partner, friend, sibling, whatever) AND still care about the other person.?

These AND concepts seem completely foreign and largely impossible when we’re living under the false dichotomy pretense that they must either be one OR the other.

None of these either/or scenarios are real. But when we internalize them from all of the myriad external sources of socialization that have infiltrated our thoughts and beliefs for our ENTIRE lives, we put — and KEEP — ourselves in situations that aren’t serving us. We victimize ourselves.?

It’s only when we recognize that *it can be AND, it doesn’t have to be OR*, we can develop some awareness around those dichotomies and call them out as false.?

Through that awareness, we’re able to create some distance so that we can step into curiosity about where they came from and whether or not we want to keep them.?

That’s what allows us to make a new choice. Or even make the same choice, but from a place of self-empowerment rather than self-victimization.?

Within the entrepreneurs I coach who’re in the beginning stages of their businesses, there’s a false dichotomy that comes up regularly: I either make this business work TODAY or I fail and get a job.?

Y’all. That’s fucked.?

First, it presumes your business owes you something — that by creating it, it magically pays all of your bills.??

Second, it presumes that getting a job to pay the bills is an entrepreneurial failure.?

Both presumptions are wildly inaccurate.?

For the first: Your business owes you nothing. It’ll only deliver back to you what you give it.?

Give it resentment, never show up to care for it or give it what it needs to grow? It’ll deliver crossed arms and a disdainful harrumph whilst avoiding looking at you.?

Give it chaotic action with no intention or reflection? It’ll deliver haphazard results that’ll be confusing at best.?

Give it consistent — NOT CONSTANT — deliberate action, learn from that action, and apply what you learn? It’ll deliver nourishment and growth. It’ll take time, but it’ll move and build upon itself.?

For the second point: Getting a job has nothing to do with your ability to succeed as an entrepreneur. Most businesses take 3-5 years to be profitable. MINIMUM.?

When you’re first starting out: You need financial backing.?

For some, that looks like familial support — your parents pay your bills for the first few years of your new business venture, you’ve got some inheritance that helps before your business takes off, etc.?

For others, that looks like spousal support — your partner earns enough to pay the bills while you’re focusing on getting your business off the ground.?

For certain types of businesses, that may look like venture capital. (Which, by the way, means debt. We just use fancy words that don’t produce shame the way “debt” does because, culturally, we’ve decided “debt” is morally bad…unless it’s a mortgage, student loans, or venture capital)

For MANY, it means having a completely separate income while we build and grow our business to a place of stability/sustainability. That can look like a job.?

There’s no shame in working a job while building your business. It doesn’t make you a failure. It doesn’t have to be OR. It can be AND.

It’s the false dichotomies that we live by as if they’re universal truths that keep us from creating the lives we truly want.?

We can’t be or do ___ AND be or do ___.

We can’t live within a system AND want to change that system.?

Like, we can’t want to make a bunch of fucking money AND want to dismantle the oppressive system of hetero-white-cis-Christian supremacist patriarchal capitalism that we currently live under.?

We can’t be spiritual AND practical.?

Like, we can’t use spiritual practices and guidance to inform our business decisions and marketing calendars.?

(Another one I personally run into: We can’t be spiritual AND an atheist.)

We can’t have fun AND flourish.

We can’t relate to our audience and clients on an authentic level AND teach them the concepts we want them to know.

We can’t work on growing our business with marketing, sales, and strategies AND work inside of our business serving our current clients.?

This one is a REALLY common complaint I hear from my sales clients. That they can’t balance both. That they can’t fit it all in. That their marketing and sales persona is somehow different from the persona they embody when they’re interacting with paying clients.?

NONE OF THIS IS FUCKING TRUE.?

“I can do this OR that.” ← Bullshit.

“I can be this OR that.” ← Bullshit.

“I can have this OR that.” ← Bullshit.

“I can create this OR that.” ← Bullshit.?

It’s all AND.

It’s all YOU.

Because you are filled with nuance, subtlety, paradox, and contradiction.?

We all are.?

And when you prevent yourself from embracing the AND, you cut part of yourself off. It makes you less authentic. Less real. Less relatable.?

From a marketing and sales perspective, that doesn’t work. Especially in this economy. People are taking their sweet ass time, getting to know all the options, and giving themselves plenty of opportunity to explore before making a decision.?

We all know we have alternatives. And we want to know what they are before jumping in.?

Hell, I’ve been researching carry-on luggage for a trip I’m taking to southern France to hike the mountains where the Mary Magdalene caves are for FOUR MONTHS.?

We are paradoxical creatures.?

OWN IT.

Embrace your AND.

Fully embracing my AND has been a journey over the course of the past several years. And it has developed more depth and intensity for about the last year.?

I’ve got two very different group programs in my business — one is life coaching, the other is business coaching.?

They relate to one another in that they’re both grounded in practical application of proven tools and strategies, while being guided by my own spiritual exploration.?

Much of my content for both marketing and within my programs, though tangible and relatable, is co-created via channeled writing. Often in relationship to the Akashic Records.?

My business decisions are made based on the astrological calendar more so than the Gregorian calendar.?

And some of the most common homework I give my clients is to GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE, though our direct work together is done via Zoom with me in my office and them generally indoors — often in an office.?

I’ve been on a bit of a quest here lately, heightened when my estranged father passed away in April, and I’ve learned a LOT about myself. As I go, I’m incorporating new things into my marketing and into my programs.?

Because whether it’s life coaching or business coaching, the core of my work is guiding discovery through self-trust.?

And to trust yourself, cutting part of yourself off by living in an OR is not an option.?

You must embrace your AND.

You’ve had a bit of the AND of my business handed to you in the podcast over the last few weeks with client interviews.?

Some have been about Reclamation Weekend. Others have been about Magic & Mutiny, the mastermind component of SellingU.?

And to highlight a bit more of the AND of my business, here’s what we’ve got going on:

?This week’s podcast episode is released on the Solstice, and I’m dropping a 45-day self-coaching course in The Rexy Collective. I’ll be going live periodically in the group to help guide folks through the work, answer questions, and support their process of what I call Excavation.?

? Within the SellingU community, we’re putting together a one-day summit that we’re calling Biz In A Box. This will offer support to the general entrepreneurial community, providing some incredible workshops throughout the day, AND it offers our members an opportunity to lift one another’s voices while amplifying their own message. (I’m also paying them. Because I don’t ask people to work for free.) The summit will take place Wednesday, July 19. So mark your calendar for that. Registration details to come in the next couple of weeks.?

? The doors for the SellingU community open right after the Biz In A Box summit. So if you’ve been waiting to join, that’s coming up!

? Our Magic & Mutiny mastermind members are each flying into Kansas City in late July and early August for 1:1 working retreats with me. We’re recording content for their programs, putting together marketing calendars, creating marketing content, developing sales strategies, and celebrating the shit out of all they’ve accomplished in the first half of this year.?

? In September, I’m launching a new program: Project Reclamation, which will feature multiple avenues of personal growth and development, while dismantling internalized historical oppression that none of us need to be carrying around with us. Each avenue will also support the funding of the non-profit day spa dedicated to survivors of domestic abuse and sexual violence. (Not sure what that is? Give a listen to episode 131: “Reclamation Of A Dream” where I break down reclaiming this dream.) And this first Project will be part feminist history class + part book club + part small-group coaching program = all dismantling internalized patriarchy.?

? I’m co-hosting a sales and marketing retreat in January in Mexico with a brilliant social media marketing consultant.?

? Project Reclamation will offer a body-focused Reclamation Weekend retreat in February - health, weight, body image, gender, sexuality, sensuality… It’s all involved.?

? I’m co-hosting another retreat in the spring in Texas with a woman who calls herself the wellness witch.?

?AND WE ARE JUST GETTING STARTED with all the juicy goodness this company will offer!?

There’s no OR here.?

It’s all AND.?

Not to pile on so much that we can’t handle it.?

That’s not the vibe. For me. For the people I work with. Or for you.?

But to allow the full expression of ourselves to come through in our businesses.?

To honor our authenticity. Our paradoxical nature. Our nuance.?

Stop living in the false dichotomy of the OR.

Embrace your complicated truth.?

Reclaim your AND.