Can African Marriages in the U.S. survive the Divorce Plague? Part II by Lambert Mbom.

Today, I would like to focus on “intention” versus “reality.” In taking the decision to get married, there are always two decisions. First, one must make up their mind to get married. And secondly, one must decide to get married to a particular person. And so fundamentally, one must ask oneself, why one wants to get/why one got married in the first place. There are as many reasons as there are married people. My contention is that this is precisely where some of the woes that plague our marriages come from. Many marriages are doomed from the genesis because people did not clarify for themselves and their partners the reason(s) for which they are getting into it.

At times, some people marry out of compulsion by extenuating circumstances such as impregnating a girl. It could be the fact that one considers it necessary step of a given trajectory that when you get to a certain age, to be a “man” you should be able to woo and marry a woman. Or conversely a pretty woman should be able to attract a man to marry her.

May be the stress and strain of daily living is a motivating factor given that two heads are better than one and hence pushing one to look for a partner. Or maybe girls looking for a rich man who can pay their bills and vice versa. In America, there is no free lunch and when one finds one who can provide room and board then where else would you want to settle? Economic push and pull factors serve as a springboard for entering into marriage.

Amongst some women there is talk of such a thing as their biological clock. There is a certain age where if they do not get married, their biological clock then goes into overdrive. Child bearing at a certain age is suicidal. This is the same too with the men even if not accentuated. Who wants to be “babysitting” at 45?

How about peer pressure? When everyone around you is married and having kids and you seem to be the only “hen” amongst cocks or “cock” amongst hens. In fact, this pressure may come from one’s family with parents asking for grand children or hanging out in company where everybody is with their spouse and you are changing partners.

No matter the reason or none for which one enters into this commitment, this is a critical determinant for the success of any marriage. The reason why one is getting married ultimately determines the rate of success for this marriage. Hence, for people who got married because they wanted children for example, when these children come forth then the reason has been fulfilled and so the other person becomes a humbug. Having achieved the goal, one can dispose of the partner now in a heartbeat. Conversely if there are no kids forthcoming, problems surface. And so when problems crop up in marriage, one must get back to the basics: Why did one get married in the first place? What did one intend to achieve?

In seeking to clarify the reason for getting married, I propose we look into the Genesis account of Creation. God created man and woman together and willed each for the other. ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suited to him’ (Gen. 2:18). The woman that God ‘fashions’ from the man's rib elicits from the man a cry of wonder, an exclamation of love and communion: ‘This one, at last, is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh’ (Gen. 2:23). This is what the beauty of marriage calls each one to: the cry of wonder, the exclamation of love and communion.

It would be wrong for one to claim that one must have the right reason before one can succeed in marriage. One can invariably enter into this complex reality for the wrong reason and be chastened by prevailing circumstances and consequently determines the right reason and hence achieve the blissful fruits of the marital union.

Beyond the question of the why is also the question of the who? How often have we heard people say I got married to the wrong person? There is talk about compatibility of the partners. There is the incredible phenomenon of Mr. Right and Mrs. Wrong. How many times are couples heard saying that one is not marriage material?

While studying for the priesthood, one often heard that many seminarians are playing the cat and mouse game whereby seminarians lay low until they get ordained and then they display their full true colors. By then it is too late. There seems to be a comparative narrative with marriage too. And so many people are wont to complain that this is not the same man or woman I got married to. People often reference “In the beginning…but now…” 

Many people have the portrait of an ideal husband and ideal wife. While this is important, it is necessary to note that one enters into marriage not to shape the other person to become what one wants of one’s spouse. It is not what one wants of an ideal wife/husband but what that spouse wants for themselves which coincides with what one wants for oneself. Then together one enters into this project called marriage. People must never lose sight of the fact that all saints are dead people and the graveyard is full of people with good intentions.

One of the greatest challenges in marriage is that people get into marriage expecting to change their spouse to their own image and likeness. This is a recipe for disaster. Marriage is a school in which the students are also teachers helping each other to flourish. On life’s pilgrimage, spouses assist each other to get to their ultimate destiny. A husband only becomes a saint in and through the wife and vice versa and not in spite of the other.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) teaches that “Man and woman were made ‘for each other’ - not that God left them half-made and incomplete: he created them to be a communion of persons, in which each can be ‘helpmate’ to the other, for they are equal as persons ("bone of my bones...") and complementary as masculine and feminine” (CCC, 372). Spouses are called to be each other’s helpmate. This sounds bland but again it is worth understanding and taken to heart. Becoming a helpmate is what marriage is all about in the most fundamental sense. There is a certain vulnerability that comes with acknowledging that one is a helpmate in need of a helpmate. Growth needs space, opportunity and forgiveness. As co-formators of each other, spouses must learn to create space, provide opportunities and an overdose of forgiveness to enable the other flourish. When couples identify each other’s strengths and weaknesses and work together to improve on each other, then the relationship flourishes.

When all is said and done, managing change is the greatest factor determinant for marital success. Graduating from bachelorhood to marital status requires significant adjustments in lifestyle. Parenting comes with further challenges and unlike in Africa where nuclear families are often blessed with extended relations helping out, being a parent in America is a fulltime job. Navigating the changes that come as a result of this opens another vista. Even physical changes, bring about significant pressures. The woman balloons out of shape and is no longer the tender slender piece of physical beauty you met and if not anticipated then this becomes problematic. The sweetheart becomes some old piece of crap worthless now and only fit for the trash can. The man grows bald and grey and becomes cranky and yet one has to wake up every day and renew the I do vow. Hence if the physical is where one laid one’s investment, it would seem appropriate to change one’s portfolio.

One of the most problematic changes which if not handled properly is sure to blow up in one’s face is change of status financial and professional. Life is a progression and so managing the different stages is crucial. Many African women in the United States are financially stable. Some especially those in the nursing cum medical profession rake in six figures easily. There are stories of men who sponsor their wives through school and when they become professionals, they lose the respect of their spouses. How often has one heard that he sponsored his wife through school and now that she is making more money than him, her ways have changed. Or wives who say they put their lives on hold for their husband to go through school and supported him throughout only for him to come out and be insulting.

I remember a friend telling me that he will never allow his wife to make more money than him and so he is constantly striving to improve upon his certifications so he can earn more than the wife. At face value this is a healthy realization that compels the man to work hard. At the same time, there is some tinge of male chauvinism which could become destructive to the relationship. It could divulge into some form of control maintaining hegemony over one’s spouse. After all, he who pays the piper calls the tune.

My late dad used to tell me that a man’s voice is as loud as the size of his pocket. While I disagree with him it is the reality of life in America. How much noise one makes in one’s home is the function of the size of one’s pockets.

In yet another instance, a friend reminded me that the man’s money is always for the entire family while the wife’s money is her money. Never look at a woman’s money for again this is the recipe for disaster.

The problem is further compounded when one realizes that there are many well to do Africans whose marriages are on the cracks just as those working hard but not smart living paycheck to paycheck on a shoestring budget and so live in hell. In both instances, money is an issue. Rich people are very vulnerable and while they provide materially for their spouses, there is still something lacking. How true the expression that money is the root of all evil and one dares add especially in marriage. Money is not everything but money is something and something very important. Managing the change of financial status is important.

Another critical area in marriage is that of legalizing one’s stay in America. Immigration status is a special category in this school of marriage. Many people leave Cameroon on the journey to the American dream oblivious of the immigration jigsaw puzzle. Apart from those who come on a Green card, generally every other person needs a change of status. Getting married to somebody who already has such status is a neat way of overcoming the hurdle. But then the sword of Damocles hangs over one’s head for many of these.

There are many women who have been abused and taken advantage of by men whom they got married to. The stories are not different for the men. It is even more debilitating for the men whose sense of power in the home is still African. Every quarrel and misunderstanding is understood within the prism of this is happening because I don’t have the right papers. What does one expect when one secures this status? Dynamics at home change and if not properly managed, things inevitably deteriorate. Again, if getting one’s status is the reason for the marriage then once this is attained then the deal is done. But often people get married accepting their spouse’s current status and hoping that it gets resolved. Once this status changes there are bound to be changes in one’s life and no doubt tensions ensue. If not properly managed this becomes a timebomb. The key to control one had hitherto had has now been taken away and so all of a certain this change which should be celebrated if not managed properly causes friction.

In the school of marriage, one must continue to clarify the reason(s) for which one is determined to go through this torture while remembering that ideal husbands and wives live only in the world beyond. How much one is able to tolerate and bear with each other is the litmus test for a happy marriage. (To be continued)