Can African Marriages in the U.S. Survive the Divorce Plague? By Lambert Mbom.

The United States' Conference of Catholic Bishops has dedicated February 7 through February 14 as #National #Marriage #Week. After all, if there is a fathers’ day and mothers’ day, why not a marriage week? This is meant to coincide with the popular secular annual celebration of #Valentine’s Day, traditionally celebrated as lovers’ day.

“It is an opportunity to focus on building a culture of life and love that begins with promoting and defending marriage and family,” says Archbishop Chaput of Philadelphia and Chairman of the Committee on Laity, Marriage, Family Life and Youth.

Throughout the year, we spend time working on different things but hardly do we spend time working on our marriages. Yes we need work to sustain our families but must also make time and conscious effort to work on the marriages that bring forth those families.

There is no doubt that marriage within the #Cameroonian community and by extension African communities in the U.S. is in crisis relative to the marriages back at home. There is an endemic crisis which we must consciously address. Seven out of ten married men complain about their wives and vice versa. Many homes have been transformed to boxing rings or prison cells from which many are escaping. Many marriages are simply dead or to be generous are on life support.

Greg and Julie Alexander authors of Marriage 911: How God saved our Marriage (and can save yours, too) capture this reality when they write: “Despite the best of intentions, far too many marriages end in divorce, and even the marriages that ‘stay together’ seem to fall far short of wedding day hopes. Couples, who a short time ago wanted to share their lives with one another, have become satisfied with merely sharing a mailing address. We have a problem. Have you noticed? All is not as it ought to be. Something seems to have gone terribly wrong. Marriage is in a state of emergency. Someone needs to call 911…”

When one looks around the friends one is hanging out with, at least three are divorced, and another third are separated while some seem stuck in a rut and are holding on hoping even against all odds for better days. And yes there are some, the lucky few who are having the bliss they bargained for and have worked for. There is what somebody has aptly described as the “divorce plague”

By some happenstance the universal Church also celebrates the World day of the Sick during this month of February. Pope Francis in his message for the 27th World day of the Sick remarks that “caring for the sick requires professionalism, tenderness, straightforward and simple gestures freely given, like a caress that makes others feel loved.” While his comment refers to those physically sick, these same words could be applied to the sick and cancerous marriages of our community. Today, I would like to address the first of these qualities which is professionalism.

#February also happens to be a #Marian month when Catholics honor the Virgin Mary. Within the context of our series on marriage, it is instructive to look at Mary’s experience. Matthew the evangelist narrates a chilling account worth examining. He notes that: When Mary was betrothed to Joseph, but before they lived together, she was found with child through the Holy Spirit. Joseph her husband, since he was a righteous man, yet unwilling to expose her to shame, decided to divorce her quietly. Such was his intention when, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary your wife into your home. For it is through the Holy Spirit that this child has been conceived in her.’

Isn’t it interesting that Joseph considered a divorce? There are many couples actively seeking a divorce right now. The divorce conundrum is one that is unfortunately becoming a far too common experience in our communities. Many seem to be quick to invoke this option just because it is available and it is seemingly the best and only option.

As people contemplate divorce, many often work overtime to win in the court of public opinion and curry favor by dragging their partner’s name and dignity into mud. It is quite significant that in the Gospel story, Joseph who had been hurt by Mary does not want to expose her to shame. One understands there is always so much anger and animosity among couples that talk of respect of the other is too much to ask. Often it is not so much the hurts of the past that precipitate the process but the barbs traded in the public square that hasten the process. This loquaciousness instead muddies the waters further.

One can borrow a leaf from the former President of the United States of America, George Bush who when asked to criticize his successor, President Obama said “the President deserves my silence.” Silence is often golden especially within these circumstances.

Even more importantly, the gospel passage reveals that an angel saved this marriage by revealing to Joseph the truth of Mary’s pregnancy. For Joseph, the angel became the professional who saved his marriage. And Joseph listened to him.

One of the reasons marriages are breaking down amongst us is the failure to use professionals. There is no doubt that many marriage counselors in the Western world are oblivious of the African immigrant realities. This is an excuse, convenient enough. Pope Francis calls for professionalism in working with the sick. And so within the context of our current reflection, the question becomes: When we have problems in our marriages where do we go to seek help?

Friends? Very dangerous given that they may not be courageous enough to challenge the parties engaged. Often family members are sought after to mediate and knowing the biases this is a tall order. It would however be wrong to paint with one big brush the role played by some indefatigable friends and families who have helped many a couple overcome their struggles and differences. Yet, there is no gainsaying that because these lack some professional experience, many have caused more harm than good.

How about professionals? Let us learn to seek professional help. Professionals provide no guarantees but there is a good chance they will provide unbiased admonition.  

We often pride ourselves in the Western world of being privileged to have access to the best health professionals. When one is ill, one seeks out a specialist. Nobody seeks out a gynecologist when he is suffering from prostate issues. Why then don’t we seek professional help when our marriages are breaking down?

Our African community is badly in need of marriage counselors and marriage therapists. It is time for the Catholic Church in America to attend to this burgeoning crisis. Let us spend time working on our marriages.