Can acceptance be a New Year’s resolution?

A few weeks ago, I asked my partner, “If there was one thing I could do to get out of my own way, what would it be?” He said, “You would enjoy other people even when they’re not the ideal version you imagine they can be.” I had to sit with this for a minute. It felt like he hit the nail on the head, and yet, I wasn’t sure exactly what he meant. “What does that look like?” I wanted to know. “How do I work on it?”

My business coach often tells me, “This is a being strategy, not a doing strategy.” For someone whose tendency is to fix, plan, manage, mitigate - being feels just out of reach. My belief is that I am responsible to anticipate every potential disaster and address it before it manifests. It’s unrealistic, but it makes sense. It’s a strategy I learned in childhood and in many ways it serves me well. We all have these strategies. In many ways, they serve us well.

Realized Worth is a company that thrives on connection, and we seek to nurture it in our own small atmosphere. Right now, we’re in a hiring period, which means the energy around our virtual office is electric. Tensions are high (hiring is scary!) and excitement is at its peak (hiring is fun!). We love adding to our team, growing, and making new things possible. When we hire well, our world expands. New people bring insight from previous roles and guidance from life experiences. They offer ideas and instill ambition. They change us and they make us better. And yet, when each new team member reaches their six-month anniversary, I become inexplicably critical. I do! Is it at exactly six months every time? No, but it’s close. Have they done anything wrong? No, but they might.

Here's the thing. It only takes three months (and usually only about three weeks) to realize someone was the wrong hire. But it takes longer to be certain that someone is right. For me, it’s around six months when I start to see their future. They’ve added to the culture at RW, they’ve improved some of our processes and deliverables, they’ve brought humor and their own personal flair, and they’ve internalized our values. At this point, I accidentally begin to love them a little bit. I become invested and I get real damn loyal. My success is tied to their success. And so, I want them to always and only be the very best version of themselves.

It's not fair. Not even a little bit. What if the way they do their work isn’t the way I imagined they would do it, but it’s excellent? What if I’ve failed to provide the structure, training, and support they need to be successful? What if they’re just…on a journey? But of course, fair or unfair is not the point. The point is, none of this has anything to do with new team members, the broader RW team, or the way I see other people. It doesn’t even have anything to do with coming up with a strategy for getting out of my own way. The point is that my “inexplicable” criticism is not inexplicable at all; it’s just how I view myself. I expect myself to be, at all times, the ideal version I imagine myself to be. Not consciously, of course, but deep down where I am most vulnerable. As long as I require this of myself, I will require it of others.

Before Christmas, Realized Worth held a holiday party in Toronto. The night was packed with gift-giving and recognitions and toasts. We’re still small enough in numbers that my team arranged to have every single person (!!) submit words of kindness for me, which were read aloud. It’s a tough thing for a lot of us, accepting kindness. I sat, red-faced and teary-eyed, while overwhelmingly beautiful sentiments were shared and I kept thinking, “What is this feeling?” I couldn’t define it. I almost felt like getting down on my knees and putting my forehead on the floor, in some kind of broken posture of acceptance. For the rest of the evening, I kept thinking, “What is this? What am I feeling?”

It wasn’t until the next morning, sitting in afterglow (and the extreme accomplishment of not being hungover) with my coffee that it hit me: Success feels like forgiveness. The greatest success in my life so far (and the only success I ever hope for) is the people I have surrounded myself with, which is the team at Realized Worth. Not only the people who make up Realized Worth now, but many who came before and helped build this place and curate its culture. We, as a team, are a monumental success story. And yet, I often show up as less than the ideal I imagine for myself. Late at night the ways in which I’ve hurt people, cut them down, and failed to support them roll through my mind like ticker tape. I think back to the stupid, na?ve decisions I’ve made as a business owner and the arrogant things I’ve said. If you were to weigh my wise and competent business decisions against the selfish and trite, the scale would tip disproportionately toward the latter. And yet, this Christmas my team of truth-tellers said to me in so many beautiful words, “Well done.” And really, they said, “You’re forgiven.”

So, I’ve been thinking. Maybe my 2023 New Year’s resolution will not be to do better in any particular way. Maybe the ideal version I imagine for myself is, in fact, getting in my own way as much as it’s getting in the way of others. That night at the Christmas party, when I felt that strange desire to get down on the floor in a posture of acceptance...perhaps there was some wisdom there. Can acceptance be a New Year’s resolution? If so, it’s a being strategy, not a doing strategy – and I have the feeling it’s exactly what I need and what Realized Worth needs from me in 2023. To you, my friends and Social Impact network, thank you for your continued acceptance that makes this new year feel like one to welcome with an open heart.

With love, Angela

Zette Harbour Justin D'Angelo Chris Jarvis Megan Dominguez Strand Natalie Norton, CVA Kristen Sirk Guttilla Jessica Jenkins Kostapanos Miliaresis Heidi Koll Pio Nichole Proctor Giller Andrea Montgomery Chahat Khandhar Jake MacIsaac Dana Jenkins Alyssa Jarvis, M.S. Realized Worth + Julie Henwood, Dan Frid