Calling All Bravehearts! What Is Social Bravery and How Will It Help Us Put An End To Workplace Bullying?

"Some medals are pinned to your soul, not to your jacket.” —Gino Bartali

Bullying behavior is not limited to kids on the bus or teenagers in school cafeterias and on social media; it’s everywhere – in politics, in workplaces, and among neighbors. It seems to be, literally, the new normal.?

Most conversations about bullying center around our kids, but the truth is that bullying among adults is equally dire. In a Twitter poll I conducted on April 6, 2019, asking, “When you read or hear the word "bully," do you imagine a child/teen or an adult?,” 65% of the 650 respondents answered “child/teen,” while only 35% answered “adult.” And we aren’t just behaving as badly as our kids; we’re behaving worse than our kids. In fact, bullying among school kids has dropped significantly since 2007, while bullying among adults has significantly increased. This is doubly destructive, because, as misbehaving adults, we injure both our adult victims and our children, who learn how to interact with each other by watching us. On purely evolutionary terms, bullying therefore works very well. It perpetuates itself effectively, like cancer cells.

That’s about all it does effectively. Both everyday observation and behavioral science overwhelmingly show us that kindness plus respect yields better outcomes for collaboration, task performance, cognitive function, willingness to help others, and physical and mental health, allowing us to accomplish our goals more efficiently and effectively. Yet calls for decency among adults, even in professional settings, are now treated as unreasonable and outmoded demands or limitations (rather than simple expectations). In academia, for example, bullying behavior is often dismissed as an essential and normal part of the “cut and thrust of academic debate” and is disguised as academic freedom, which discourages targets from reporting the abuse and leads colleagues to characterize them as thin-skinned when they do. Patience and professionalism are somehow viewed as extravagant requests, burdens, or in conflict with necessary criticism.?

This new normal extends far beyond the academy. It touches nearly all of us, and its ubiquity gives it the dismaying appearance of permanence. Part of the problem is psychological. None of us thinks of ourselves as a bully or a bystander, yet it’s clear that many of us spend most of our time sitting in one of those two camps (even though we’d also love to be seen, by ourselves and others, as brave). Why is it so easy for us to see, do, and allow what is wrong, but so hard for us to see, do, and encourage what is right??

There have always been bad actors and bystanders. What I believe has substantively changed in recent years is the orientation of the average person. Something has shifted in the way that the average person views the world, behaves, and tolerates the behavior of others. Perhaps physical aggression is waning in our society, but relational aggression has seemingly taken its place. We no longer come to blows as often as we once did. But we are more socially aggressive than ever before. Perhaps relational aggression feels more socially acceptable – less primitive – than physical aggression? Simply put, we do it more and we tolerate it more. This is becoming incredibly damaging to all of us.?

These behaviors extend well beyond the domain of “cyberbullying,” including shockingly common tales of workplace and other adult bullying in companies, healthcare settings, law firms, universities, the military, and even among residents of assisted living facilities for older adults, among other places. Normalizing bullying online has normalized bullying offline. This is very bad news, and not just for our peace of mind. The psychological, physical, and socio-economic costs of bullying to individuals, organizations, and societies, are staggering.?

My approach to ending bullying and reducing bystanding focuses on social bravery, which I define as follows: Actions that are committed intentionally and consciously, that involve some risk to social or relational security, that are motivated by the goal of bringing about (or restoring) a just and humane outcome for the people involved, and that are carried out with respect and poise. People consciously and mindfully choose to enact these socially brave behaviors, regardless of the personal risk, because these behaviors reflect their core values. (An important clarification: Screaming, name-calling, and snarky attacks — even when caused by justified anger -- can be appealing, impassioning, cathartic, and even effective in some ways. But it is not social bravery. Please take it for what it is, not for what it’s not.)

Social bravery is not always glorious. Sometimes it’s even thankless. The bravest things won’t necessarily turn you into a hero in everyone else’s eyes. It’s speaking up on behalf of others in uncomfortable moments. It’s having difficult or painful or scary conversations. Each of us can learn to become a braveheart, and others' socially brave acts remind us of that. We can do better, and we can do so together.?

My request to you is: Think about the bravehearts you've encountered in your life. Who are they? What did they do? Why did they do it? What can you learn from them? I'm very eager to collect stories of these bravehearts, so if you're willing to share them in the comments below, I'd be very grateful.

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My new book, Bullies, Bystanders, & Bravehearts (Mariner), comes out in 2023.

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