Call yourself a leader?
Nicky Elliot
I help women lead THEIR way! Leadership Development. Women’s Empowerment. Action focussed life & career coaching.
?Do you consider yourself a leader? At work, at home? Or even, of your own life?
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And, if not, who is leading? Who is leading YOUR life? It might not be who you think.
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Who is making the decisions?
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Who is saying yes, when maybe there’s a part of you that means no?
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Who is making you check those emails late at night, when there’s a part of you that knows that what you really need is rest?
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Who is making you agree to take on that extra work or say yes to the responsibilities of the school PTA, when really, you know that you have more than enough on your plate?
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One of the modalities I use with my clients?works with the sub-personalities. These are parts of us that we all have. In different parts of the world, you tend to see more of certain kinds of sub-personality showing up more.
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This line of psychological theory suggests that these different parts of us, sub-personalities or ‘selves’ as we call them, develop in response to things that happen when we are young.
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The young baby, early in its life, notices the look of delight on the mother’s face when it coos and smiles. And, it notices the feeling that it gets or the look of tension or upset on the mother’s face when it cries.
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That baby learns, ‘If I coo or smile sweetly, that feels good. Mum feels good. She looks happy with me. That feels good. I’ll do more of that.’
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And that’s the birth of the Pleaser.
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That mother didn’t do anything. There was certainly no abuse. It’s a natural part of life. But at that age, and even in older childhood, if Mum doesn’t love me, doesn’t want to look after me and meet my needs, that’s life and death. And, that is ultimately the vulnerability that sits beneath the formation of these selves, or sub personalities. It doesn't take a lot for those 'selves' to get really powerful, to take over without us even knowing.?
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For some, the sub-personality of the Pusher is prevalent. This is the part of you that needs to be busy. The part that loves lists, that’s always on the go. The part that, if it was running your life, would have you never stop, never take a break, regardless of whether your health was in serious decline. It doesn’t care, it just wants you busy, achieving things. That’s the work of the Pusher. Its job, similar to the Pleaser, is to keep you safe. Safe from whatever vulnerability you learned at a young age, and also sometimes later in life, that meant that working hard was good, and achievement important. And, the Pusher can come back stronger at difficult times in our life when we’ve got some challenging feelings, or when something bad has happened. The Pusher protects you by, rather than feeling that grief, sadness, loss or anxiety, it helps us out by keeping us busy, so we don’t have time to think or feel. You hear people all the time saying, ‘Oh I prefer to keep myself busy.’ That’s their Pusher speaking. That sub-personality is deciding what’s best for them and all of these sub-personalities, or selves, have a role. They are all there to keep you safe. The trouble is, that’s not YOU making the decisions, it’s those sub-personalities - whose behaviour is hard wired and rooted in keeping you safe – in keeping your vulnerability protected, locked in a box. And, until we learn what these sub-personalities are, what they do for us, and what they are trying to protect us from, we don’t get to choose consciously whether we need them anymore.
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So, that Pusher and the Pleaser – the Inner Critic, the Responsible Self and the Rulemaker (to name a few) are responsible for lots of cases of burnout. They are responsible for millions of people living life the way they THINK we should, even when there is a deeper sense, a hidden knowing that this isn’t entirely right for me.
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"I am exhausted but I can’t help it. I know I am doing it, but I can't seem to stop it."
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"I cannot help pick up my phone at 1am and check those bloody emails, and I know it’s going to make me feel worse."??And, I know it’s going to start my thinking brain and that will stop me sleeping, which is what I really need, but one of those sub-personalities (sometimes a tag team) is making you do that.
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"I know I won't enjoy that new responsibility, but I can't seem to say no."
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So, if this resonates with you, I encourage you to think about the habits or patterns that you know you are feeling compelled to do. The ones where,?actually if you really tuned into yourself, your body and your needs, you might choose differently. I’d love you to hit reply and let me know what that is for you.
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You know enough of my story to be able to guess which ones led me to burnout. There were more than you’d think - like a really mean tag team!??This work changed all of that.?
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So, when people ask me what I do... Yes I help women lead and find joy in their otherwise sometimes grey and responsible lives. But this is ONE of the ways, and I swear it is the coolest thing on earth to be able to do for someone. They get to hear what that ‘self’ is making them do and separate from it – then we get to explore the opposite energy – the part you perhaps secretly?wish you could be more like, but never could be. Or could you?
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If you are fascinated, I would love to tell you more.?
Every week I offer a couple of free consultation calls in which time you can discover what may be holding you back, what YOU can do about it and some ideas and invitations to get you into action. If that sounds like it could help you get some clarity - use the link below.
Love
Nicky x
I help women lead the way they want, at work and at home - and know when to put it all down, to rest and surrender.
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