The Busy Mom's Survival Guide

How the search for balance is a never-ending battle

Most moms reading this are familiar with the Family Guy scene in the above YouTube link. While Lois tries to take advantage of a few moments of peace and quiet; here comes Stewie disrupting her zen and sending her into a frenzy. As moms, we’ve all been there. I can remember a similar event happening in my own family.

Disruption of Peace

The kids were downstairs watching a movie while my hubby worked from his laptop in the dining room. Sensing I could steal a few moments of peace and quiet, I tip-toed upstairs, entered the bathroom, and closed the door quietly behind me. As soon as I shut the door, I heard a knock followed by, “Mom?”

I thought to myself, “Arg, why!!!!!????? I can’t even go to the bathroom without an audience”. I responded with what could only be described as an indistinct grunt, “Ugh?” “Mom, can I have a snack?” she said,

I sat there in silence thinking to myself, what would make this child come all the way upstairs, pass her dad AND the kitchen just to ask me for a snack? I responded, “Really, you came all the way up here just to ask me for a snack?” I released another annoyed grunt, then she said, “Ok mom, I will take that as a yes”.

This is a common scenario that many moms face on a daily basis. According to a study conducted by KindyNews, moms field about 300 questions PER DAY from their kids alone. This does not include questions from significant others or work questions — it’s a miracle we can still maintain our sanity.

Mommy Brain

On top of the relentless barrage of questions, we still have to deal with mom brain. Mom brain is an invisible mental engine that’s always burning from the time we wake up until the moment we go to bed. It includes all types of information and events such as extracurricular activities, food preferences, organizing playdates, and managing the cleanliness of your kid’s favorite clothes.

Motherhood is one of the highest responsibilities, yet it is also the least understood and most under-appreciated. Our kids (and husbands) think being a mom comes with some sort of superpower and an additional energy source, but it’s not the case. Most of the time as moms we are exhausted, annoyed, and on the verge of a mental and/or emotional breakdown at any given moment.

For moms in the workforce, the stakes are even higher. Not only do we have to figure out why our child came home with only one shoe, but we’re also simultaneously fulfilling roles as the primary caregiver, executive home executive, and chief everything officer at work. It’s quite a load.

When I was a kid, I wondered if my mom had some sort of sleeping disorder like narcolepsy. She would literally fall asleep anywhere at any time — at the dinner table, in the middle of a sentence, it didn’t matter — she could sleep! Now I get it, with five of us, she was just trying to survive. Honestly, I didn’t realize how much I appreciated my mom until I had kids of my own. It’s a miracle that we all made it out of childhood alive.

But what can we do? The inherent burden of responsibility of motherhood is not going to magically go away, and I’m pretty sure our kids are not intentionally trying to drive us insane. Most husbands, even the ones who are actively parenting, still don’t really get it. As hands-on as my husband is, he still doesn’t really understand why I need “Me Time” on a weekly basis. Yes, he goes along with it, but I can see him thinking, “Don’t we celebrate Mother’s Day every year? Isn’t that enough me-time?”

So, how can we change this dynamic?

The first thing we need to do is to take our self-care very seriously. If you think about the life-saving and awesome parenting advice given by flight attendants when they remind you to put on your oxygen mask first before assisting your kids with theirs. I mean it makes sense, right? How can you help anyone else if you can’t breathe?

Whether you’re in the workforce or a stay at home mom, give yourself some air with the following guidelines to help you survive.

Realize that balance does not exist.

Though there are many articles, books, and guides about balancing motherhood and work-life balance — I’m convinced that it just doesn’t exist. The pursuit of this “balance” actually creates more stress because the formula doesn’t add up.

There’s no balance because there’s no way to efficiently measure the amount of skill, patience, and energy required to adequately execute motherhood. In order to have a balance, kids would have to understand and acknowledge that at a certain point mom needs a break. Society would have to celebrate Mother’s Day as a daily festival, not as an annual event.

Mommy Guilt is Real

The sooner we let go of the idea of balance, the sooner we can get rid of its ugly and dangerous relative — mommy guilt. Mommy guilt is taking on the unfair ownership of unrealistic duties and responsibilities placed on us by ourselves or by others. It happens when we over-analyze the small stuff and underappreciated the things that really matter. For instance, you have a 6-month-old who’s healthy, happy, and nearly sleeping through the night, but all you can focus on is the unfolded laundry?

Mommy guilt is real if you’re experiencing it — you’re not alone. The first thing you should do when experiencing mommy guilt is to seek help. This could be from a friend, your spouse, a pastor, your mom (unless she’s the one putting the pressure on you). It’s important to speak to someone supportive and understanding so that you’re not dealing with this issue in isolation.

Listen, if you happen to forget it’s picture day and little Susan goes to school with her hair a little jacked up, it’s ok. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, she still ate breakfast and went to school with clean clothes — that’s as balanced as we’re going to get.

Let’s put things in perspective, there’s nothing — NOTHING — your child can ever do to balance out the fact that you carried her for 9 months and pushed her out of your body. Every moment, all you can do is your best. Remember that each day, your best may change. So have a short memory, our kids do!

Give yourself a break.

As moms, our brains are running 24/7. We need to let them rest every once and awhile. Every Sunday for at least an hour or two, I schedule in some “Me Time”. This could be watching a series on Netflix, taking a nap, or planning out activities for the next week. The key here is that it’s uninterrupted time for me to be alone. Luckily, my husband coaches basketball on Sundays and my daughters go with him so it works out. But even on the weekends when the practice is canceled, I find a way to either get them out of the house or I go on my own mommy field trip — maybe to get my nails done, for a glass of wine, or to just go get some fried plantains.

Another option and this is something that I’m working on, is to get active in a hobby. Maybe it could be yoga or crafting or line dancing — whatever lights your fancy. Join an organization or club that allows you to consistently disengage from the constant overload of motherhood while recharging your engine.

Maybe you have a newborn or you’re a single mom and can’t schedule a getaway once a week. Do you have family members or friends who could watch the kids for an hour? For 30 mins? Regardless of your situation, you’ll have to be creative here, even if you can only find 10 extra minutes for a long shower — it’s essential for you to schedule in some “Me Time” on a consistent basis so that you can relax, relate, and release the stress.

Get organized.

As moms, we’re oftentimes juggling so many tasks and responsibilities, it’s a wonder that everything doesn’t come crashing down on our heads all at once. One thing that will help to decrease the overwhelm is getting organized. Create calendars, chore charts, or responsibility lists for your family. This will help you eliminate the load on your brain while also sharing the household responsibilities.

If your child asks you a question that is already referenced on the “ family chart”, simply point them to it and let them answer their own question.

We just started homeschooling our girls, if I didn’t have a monthly chart of what was due by when and I had to answer all their questions every day — there’s no way I would survive. We also created homeschool rules, and the number one rule is, “Try to answer your own question before asking anyone else (i.e., me) — that’s at least one less of the 300 questions to answer throughout the day.

When everyone knows what to expect, it just makes the house run smoother and gives you a little bit of your sanity back.

Empower your kids.

Both of our daughters went to a British school for their early childhood education. I remember their teachers stressing the importance of independence very early on. They were encouraged to pack their own backpacks at night, hang their coats on the hook, place their shoes on a certain mat, and put their lunches in their designated eating area. Surely, if they could do this at school, then they could do the same if not more at home.

I encouraged them to be responsible for their things and their schedules. I constantly reminded them that it was their responsibility, not mine, to keep up with their belongings. This was further grounded in the established routines which helped them to feel more confident and in control.

As moms, we don’t have to carry all of the household responsibilities, empower the kids to help out. It can even be fun. Can the kids make a game out of loading the washing machine? Can they race to see who can fold the most laundry while watching Paw Patrol? Remember, progress not perfection is the key here; if their socks end up mismatched it’s not the end of the world.

Develop a morning routine.

I already know what you are going to say here. You’re barely getting enough sleep as it is and now I’m telling you to wake up earlier? I thought this way too. The idea of waking up early felt like some kind of punishment — until I tried it. This has been one of the most beneficial practices that I’ve implemented. I’m not talking about waking up at 4 am, even 15 minutes before the kids wake up and the house is still and quiet can have a massive positive effect on your day.

I usually wake up about an hour before the girls get up. This protected time gives me peace because I know I’m not going to be hijacked with a barrage of questions or demands. I’m able to meditate, pray, and plan my top two priorities for the day. I wake up, get dressed, and get ready for the day without feeling rushed. The stillness puts me in a great mental space that usually carries me throughout the day.

In contrast, on the days when I wake up to my kids jumping into my bed already bubbling with energy and exploding with the questions and ideas that they thought of in their sleep — those days I barely make it to bedtime without a glass (or two) of wine.

It may not be easy to start waking up early but give it a try, it’ll be well worth the effort. If you don’t know where to start, check out this recent article by Good Housekeeping with some pointers on how to become a morning person.

Use Tech as your BFF

I recently had a phone conversation with a friend who explained to me that she had not gone to a grocery store in a few years. She went on to tell me that all of her grocery needs were scheduled and taken care of by 2–3 different apps — and by the way, we live in Nairobi, Kenya so she can do it here, you can do it too.

Are you on a tight budget? Do you spend a lot of time cutting coupons? Use your favorite grocery store app instead, and enjoy all the sales and saving right in the palm of your hands. How often do you make large purchases of basics like toilet paper, paper towels, and soap? Can you have these delivered via an Amazon subscription?

Not only can you order and have groceries delivered to your doorstep without getting out of your PJs, but tech is also supporting moms in other ways. From organizational tools such as Google Calendar and Chore Monster to shopping list reminders such as Out of Milk, there’s an app for just about everything these days.

Spend some time in the app store and see what apps you can download into your life to free up your time and protect your mental capacity.

Join a community group

This one may be hard for introverted moms, but it helps to have a regular date night or cocktails with friends. There’s nothing worse than suffering in silence. When possible plan evenings out with co-workers or with other moms.

You will feel refreshed to learn that you’re not the only one going through mommy guilt and overwhelm. It will also feel nice to get out of your yoga pants, get dressed up, and put on some heels every once and a while — ok if not heels then at least some dressy shoes.

Make sure when you do go out, you’re not simply regurgitating your day with the kids. Try to have some conversations around other topics like current affairs, the latest fashion trends, global news — just something different than the typical conversation about the kiddos. It’s actually not a bad idea to miss your kids every once in a while, it makes the heart grow fonder.

Last, but not least, when absolutely necessary bribe your kids.

Listen, I know, it sounds bad to “bribe” your kids, but we are talking about survival here. If you really need 20 minutes to get yourself together will an extra episode of Motown Magic really be detrimental to their childhood? Is an extra scoop of ice cream worth 10 minutes of quiet time? Definitely, I think so.

Every once and a while you may have to bribe your kids to preserve your mental health and honestly, there’s nothing wrong with it. For anyone who has the time to judge you on how you’re raising your kids, then that person probably has a few extra minutes on their hands and could better use that energy by providing you with some babysitting services while you take a nap.

In conclusion

As moms, we have a hefty load on our shoulders. Use the tips above to eliminate some of the heavy lifting and overloading of the brain which causes sleep deprivation, overwhelm, and unwanted crankiness.

Putting a few items on autopilot will help you become more present not only in your kid’s lives but also in your own life. You’ll not only have more time for the essentials like building your business or getting that promotion, but you’ll also be able to spend more quality time with your loved ones and enjoy life without the stress and guilt.