Business Is War—Even with Family: The Brutal Truth

I rarely write angry. Today I’m angry.?

Let’s cut the crap—doing business with family isn’t always a fairy tale, and anyone who tells you otherwise is either delusional or selling you something. Unfortunately for me, family businesses have mostly been a losing battle.?

The last time I did business with a family member I was fired as CEO from the business I started due to emotional exaggerations. I am a very direct person and I hold my team and myself accountable, even family. I’m a strong believer that when anyone (including me) makes a bad decision, they must be accountable and get better. This is hard for some people to handle, especially if they are family.?

My company was profitable with millions in sales after just a year and we had over $400,000 cash in our war chest. That’s a successful business. In a fair world, I never should have been fired. I should have been celebrated as a tough but effective CEO. But life and business are rarely fair and there are jealousies even in the most united families.

Sure, they’re your relatives, but when push comes to shove you're not just battling competition—you’re battling the very people who share your last name.?

If you are in business with a family member or you are about to, I have some ideas that hopefully save some relationships.?

Get ready to confront the harsh realities, because if you’re stepping into the family business arena, you better be armed with more than just trust. It’s time to dig deep and acknowledge the dangerous pitfalls lying ahead.

(FYI, I have adult children with impressive, but different strengths, and I have given them this same counsel if they make the decision to work together some day.)?

The Myth of Family Business: It’s All Love and Trust

People throw around the saying that business is war. But when you throw family into the mix, it becomes a more complicated battlefield. “It’s family; we’ll just work it out” is a phrase that should be banished from your vocabulary.?

Newsflash: business isn't a warm hug. It’s numbers, metrics, and yes, that dreaded word—profit.?

The idea that blood ties ensure loyalty and trust is flawed. Why? Because when money is on the line, even those closest to you can turn into a shark looking for their next meal, and that’s the heartless reality.

You think family will always have your back? Think again.?

Family can often be the first to stab you in the back when profits drop or when personal interests clash. For example, many family-run businesses face existential crises during economic downturns or one sibling wants the other’s position. What happens when one sibling wants to cut costs while the other believes in investing for the long term? Arguments arise, and before you know it, you've turned family dinners into boardroom battlefields.

The Way it SHOULD Be…Embracing Unique Talents in Family Business

When navigating the tumultuous waters of family business, one crucial aspect often overlooked is the unique talents and skills that each individual brings to the table. Not every family member is cut out to be the CEO; in fact, the CEO can sometimes be the worst job there is, filled with pressures and responsibilities that can quickly lead to burnout.?

Each person has their own strengths, whether it’s creativity, strategic thinking, management skills, or customer relations. If you've made the choice to engage in business with family, it’s imperative to put aside petty differences and focus on leveraging those diverse talents.?

Embrace the God-given skills that everyone possesses; it’s within these varied capabilities that the true potential of your family business can flourish. Developing a culture that respects individual contributions while maintaining open lines of communication can create a powerful synergy, enhancing the business' ability to innovate and excel.?

Unfortunately, the reality is that many family businesses get bogged down by rivalries and personal grievances, allowing them to drain the energy and enthusiasm that should be focused on growth.

It certainly happened in my last business with a loved one. In fact, the back-biting to the board and our employees got so bad I started developing an eye tick. There’s nothing quite like hiding a nervous eye tick during board meetings.

Stupid Things We Say and Do in Family Businesses

Let’s break down the cringe-worthy behaviors that often occur in family business settings that are bound to lead to conflict and resentment:

• "It's only business." This is utter BS. It’s personal because family is involved! Shoot, it’s personal when family isn’t involved. You can’t pretend that decisions won’t impact relationships. Downplaying the emotional weight only opens the floodgates for ugly future issues that may last the rest of your lives.
• "What About Me?" This self-serving mentality can poison the atmosphere in any business, especially when it comes to family. I got to experience this selfish phrase during a tense moment that played out in the parking lot with potential partners before the company even started. It was almost like a prelude to the storm that was brewing. It’s vital to understand that in a good business, it should never be first about "me"—it should be about "we." In hindsight, I realize I was given ample warning regarding the impending fallout, yet familial bonds often cloud our judgment, making us overlook the most obvious signs. This type of behavior can sabotage team dynamics and create an environment where personal grievances overshadow the collective goals of the business.
• "Family first." You know what? Sometimes family needs to be the last thing on your mind when it comes to tough business decisions. If it’s best for the business, then it’s best for everyone—even if it means making some uncomfortable choices. Putting family before the company can lead to sloppy hiring, ineffective job placements, and resentment among more qualified employees. When family comes before the business, expectations can be mismanaged, leading to heavy emotional fallouts. That said, if you're in a position where you must fire a family member, have the guts to do it yourself. More on this below.
• "Trust me, we’re family." Missing contracts and verbal agreements? Sorry, not buying it! Relying solely on trust is a dangerous game when family comes into play. Protecting your business's interests is paramount, especially when egos and emotions become tangled in the mix. Remember, familial bonds unfortunately don't equate to pristine business ethics.
• "We have a unique bond." Sure, you might know your family members’ favorite colors, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be a good business partner. Personal familiarity doesn’t equal professional reliability. The reality is that some family members may assume their relationship gives them a free pass when it comes to responsibilities and performance. Trust me; those assumptions will create irreparable rifts and affect business operations.

These are just a few of the many litanies of “stupid” that families conveniently ignore. The best word of advice is to focus on what’s best for the company instead of an individual’s needs. If you do decide to do business together, make that decision right from the start.

The Reality of Firing Family: Handle It Like a Pro

At some point, you’ll face a situation where you have to make a call that not only affects your business but also the family dynamics. Let’s be real—firing a family member SUCKS! But it’s a necessary evil in business, a lesson too many fail to internalize.

If you're in charge, you owe it to yourself and even to them to approach the situation professionally. No passive-aggressive texts or cryptic family dinners. If a family member is underperforming or disruptive, step up. Have the guts to get together and communicate before it’s too late. And, if you are going to fire that family member, never, I repeat never, let someone else fire your family member unless you are a Fortune 500 company and you didn’t have anything to do with the hiring of the loved one.??

Just because they're family doesn't mean they aren’t accountable. Your job is to preserve the integrity of the business; that comes first. Handle it like the professional you are, and don’t sugarcoat it. But have the guts to have the conversation. And, if that loved one is working hard and you still decide to fire him or her, you better have a very good reason while also taking a pay cut yourself.

For example, consider this: when a family member’s performance becomes a liability, the first inclination is to avoid confrontation; maybe it’s easier to sweep the issue under the rug and hope it resolves itself. Spoiler alert: it won’t.?

There’s no soft landing when it comes to terminating employment; the conversation needs to be direct and empathetic, despite the weight of what’s being discussed. This might look like saying, “Listen, this just isn't working out, and it's affecting not just your position but the entire team.” It’s not easy, but it’s necessary.

Contracts Aren’t Just Paper – They’re Your Safety Net

Listen, you can’t simply bank on family loyalty to protect your interests. If you think an email trail or casual conversations holding up your agreement is adequate, you’re setting yourself up for disaster. Contracts are not just legal jargon; they're your shield against the onslaught of misunderstandings and disputes.

A well-crafted contract outlines roles, expectations, and consequences for breach of duty or performance standards. It leaves no room for misinterpretation. You need to articulate, "This is what I expect from you, and this is the process we’ll follow if things go sideways." Contracts also help mitigate the emotional impacts of business decisions since everything is clearly structured from the outset.

Building an airtight contract may feel uncomfortable, especially when dealing with family; it might seem like you’re treating them like an untrustworthy stranger. But that's the exact mentality you need. A contract preserves the relationship and prevents emotional outbursts by providing measurable criteria.

Go In with Eyes Wide Open

If you decide to take the plunge into family business, come equipped. Acknowledge the emotional entanglement and set boundaries from day one. Assess the dynamics honestly.

• Are they reliable?
• Can they handle criticism?
• Will the relationship survive tough decisions?
• If you’re the boss, can they be told “No” without getting emotional?

These are critical considerations, and they might be the hardest truths to face. The complex dynamics in family relationships may lead to overestimation of each other’s preferences and capabilities.

Having an honest conversation before the business starts is crucial. Dissect your expectations realistically and make sure you’re on the same page. Create a formal environment, with notes and actionable discussions rather than casual family chats over dinner.?

Identify roles and responsibilities from day one to foster accountability. Not doing so is like boarding a plane without knowing the flight plan—any turbulence could send everything spiraling out of control.

Ready to Work with Family? Lovingly?

To wrap it all up: business with family can be rewarding, but it’s fraught with challenges.?

Don't let the illusion of blood ties create blind spots in your judgment. Remember—it's not about being heartless; it's about being smart. Set clear expectations and responsibilities, and be honest about what it means to work together.

If you plan to navigate the turbulent waters of family business, fortify yourself with grounded protocols and a level head. Prepare for battle, and do it right…together.

If you choose to enter into business with your family, make sure you're battle-ready. Understand the stakes and walk into the venture with a sharp mind and a clear strategy.?

Be bold and fierce, but don’t forget the power of kindness and openness in your family business. Do we really want to destroy relationships over petty business quarrels??

In the fierce world of business, remember that maintaining family harmony is just as crucial as achieving success. You owe it to yourself and your loved ones to navigate these waters thoughtfully—embracing each other's strengths while ensuring that the bonds of family aren’t frayed by internal conflicts.?

Thrive together or respectfully part ways, but if a family member is going to give you the shaft, don’t just slip away quietly into the night. Fight back, but do it fairly.

Jeffery Boyle

CEO, Bemodo AI