Business Travel: The Good, The Dad, and The Carousel

3-minute read

Quicktakes:

• Use the same technology your family does to stay connected
• Be a target traveler (get in, get out!)
• Be mindful about rejoining your family or community where they are, not where you left off
• Share your travel experiences in ways that make others feel like they were with you

I grew up with a father who traveled constantly when I was growing up. He wasn’t around for many of my activities, but that was the norm for the time. ?As I have said in many forums, my father was (and remains) my True North, and only ever tried to do what he thought was right, but it did prompt me to tell him once I had children, “I will never travel as much as you did.” ?

Ha.?

Of course I did, and more, but I learned to do it differently – especially after I found myself a single parent to three boys ranging in age from 7 to 13. The phrase “it takes a village” perfectly captured the little community that stepped up to help me give my sons a steady family-centric structure. When I was away, my parents helped, and my friends Nancy and Paul Sallaberry (with three boys of their own) and others were remarkably present as stand-in parental figures, and even the local deli helped with the occasional lunch delivery to school!

At least our timing was on point to take advantage of the technology to keep in touch – in real time – when I was away. Before texting there was BBM (Blackberry messaging) and AOL chat. (Today, that might be Facetime or Snap, or any number of tools that are part of their world.) Instead of gifts, I brought back things like postcards so we could talk about where I’d been.? The technology allowed me to stay in touch and step back in to coach their teams when I was in town.

Fast forward a few years, I met my wife Laura, who became the parental hub for the boys when I was traveling. And we added our daughter Madison to the mix!

If you know me at all, you know at least these two things about me: I’m a believer in work/life integration v. work/life balance, and I very much value interaction, seeing eyeballs, making sure cameras are on in video calls, reading body language and faces, understanding the interaction between people that allows us to expand business, train in a new process, evaluate people and situations for adapting… for me, it’s a feel thing; something that can’t be replicated without getting a sense of the people I’m working with. ??To make that work, and not become my father, I took to what I call target travelling: plan your travel for a specific purpose or two, get there, accomplish a reasonable set of goals, and get out!

I was also a target traveler about returning. My colleagues who helped me arrange travel always knew I was looking for the quickest way back home and were ready with all the travel options. I know how fortunate I am to travel for work, to such amazing places, meeting such remarkable people. At the same time, with my dad hat on, I’ve never been caught up in the perks of travel – just get me on the plane, get me there and back quickly.? (Though sometimes, of course, it was important to stick around ?for optimal business and personal outcomes - to join others for a dinner, or to experience one of the incredible wonders of the world.)

Until recently, I scheduled flights to minimize what I might miss at home on the West Coast – for example, leaving at night when flying east, or early in the morning when flying west. ?It was Laura, who just happens to be a therapist who specializes in performance optimization, who set me straight, kindly and logically, on how to help me make it work best for everyone.

She is a true “we” person.? (A story for another time, my theory on “we” people and “I” people!) ?

We all know that business travel disrupts family routines, can create emotional strain, and limit quality family time and the ability to participate in everyone’s lives.? Laura pointed out there was no need to stress myself out about rushing back home, because the kids were okay. But it was always a priority. How I came home was the key, and the most important learning I hope to pass along.?? Laura gave me a great visual – she calls it “getting on the carousel.” ?She posited that family, and all of its activities and personalities, is like a carousel - and it doesn’t stop or pause when you are away.? When a ?parent leaves, life at home carries on, and when the person who left it returns, it’s important not to rewind from where they left off but rather jump back on to wherever the carousel has advanced; to match the needs, rhythm and activities of the family unit.

She also set me straight on being my best self when I was around. ?Another great pay-it-forward lesson.? Because she could be “home base” – her work is mostly local, with little travel – she said, “Parenting isn’t 50-50. Sometimes it’s 90-10, depending on what the kids need and who is available to provide it. Be realistic – look at when you can be your best and not depleted, do what you need to do, and then come home.”

Luckily, I’m married to the ultimate “we” person, so she models that behavior for me, and our family benefitted from two committed parents, even when one of us wasn’t there. ?To be clear, I have not always gotten this right, but I kept trying and learning.?? So when I get the question, “How do you travel a lot and keep everything working in your life?” I want to make sure I pass along the keys that I learned.?? I hope they help, and I would love to hear more about how others have done it.?

These days, we’re empty nesters, looking forward to enjoying some travel together when neither of us has to rush home. Although, there are the dogs…

Laura Hamilton, LCSW RJ Horsley Hunter Horsley Alexandra Horsley Blake Horsley Madison Hamilton-Horsley