Burnout

I was talking to a friend from back home earlier this week and I was catching her up on my life, telling her about the hubs, the kid (who's grown but still in the area code), the cats, the ups, the downs. I told her that I'm generally content; I have time to read, make music, crochet, blah, blah, blah. She asked about work and I told her it was going well and that I'm so grateful that the people I work with are as fantastic as they are.

And then she said, "...But?"

And I said, "What do you mean, 'But...'?"

She said, "You know what I mean."

And I guess I kind of did...

Things have been stressful lately; not at work actually, but just life in general. I've been restless and not entirely at ease. I've noticed that I'm more irritable with myself (while I'd often like to be, I'm rarely irritable with other people) and I'm not sleeping well (even less than normal). My friend must have heard something in my voice for her to press me when she did.

I told her of some of my recent stresses and was quickly reminded why she's been my friend for over 40 years. She is a fantastic listener, and even better, an amazing question-asker; she has a way of getting to the core of something... Oftentimes something you didn't realize you needed to get to the core of.

Anyway, we started talking about work. I told her it was probably one of the least stressful things in my life and that I was grateful that I had *something* stress-free and routine.

"Are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Grateful that you have something routine?"

Damn.

I'm a creature of habit if there ever was one. I brush my hair and my teeth in patterns with the same number of strokes every time. I have an order to the way I do dishes including the flatware I wash first, second, and third. I put soap on my bath sponge in the same pattern. Every. Single. Time (in the shape of a Theta symbol b/c I feel it's the perfect amount of soap). I am methodical and consistent in everything. It's actually pretty stupid. Anyway, I like routine. So when she asked me if I was really grateful that I had something routine, I wondered aloud, "Do you even know me?"

She laughed. I laughed.

"So? Are you grateful that your job is so routine?"

I paused. She didn't rush me. There was silence on the line for a long while. In hindsight it probably wasn't as long as it felt, but there was definitely silence.

[Aside: I am so thankful for people who let you think in peace... People who aren't intimidated by silence.]

Then I answered as honestly as I could.

"Sometimes."

There's so much I like/love about what I get paid to do every day. The people I work with are amazing but the work itself is pretty fun and engaging, too. Obviously there are things I dislike about some tasks, but every job has those things and I honestly dig 95% of what I do. But if I'm absolutely honest, I am missing something. And when I think about what's lacking, the 5% of the stuff I dislike doing isn't in the mix.

I've been doing what I've been doing for almost seven years. That's a long time to do anything; it's not crazy long, but there's some consistency and comfort there. Not to say the past seven years have been boring (or even consistent or comfortable!) - holy cats, it's been a ride! When I reflect on my time with Natural Retreats, I'm amazed at the growth over the years... And I'm super proud of us (both of myself and my company).

As I'm telling her all of this, I find myself saying, "I guess I'm just feeling a little burned out."

"What are you going to do?"

"Get up and go to work tomorrow. And then do it the next day, and the next day."

Silence.

But I am, I say. And I mean it.

Burnout is very real. It happens to people all the time. But it's also easy to find yourself a victim of burnout. Just like it's easy to find yourself a victim of anything. And I'm not victim-shaming here; being a victim is hard, but overcoming it is arguably harder. I told my friend that, yes, I'm feeling burned out. And it stinks sometimes. But I have a voice to communicate and a drive to challenge myself.

"Interesting..."

The good news is that I have a very open line of communication with my boss who understands where I am right now. I also have a creative mind and when I apply that drive, I can challenge myself in my role better than anyone else can. So yes, I'm going to get up and go to work tomorrow.

I don't know where I'll be in five years or even one year. But if the good Lord will keep me around until Monday, I'll get up and go back to work.