Burnout Is About Boundaries

Burnout is about boundaries.

Humans weren't built for 24/7 operation. Our bodies tell us this message every evening when they force us to shut down for 1/3 of the day. Our money, energy, relationships all set limits on what is possible for us. They sing us the same song - we need boundaries to operate appropriately. "Fences make good neighbors," says Robert Frost in his poem Mending Wall.

We get into trouble with boundaries in one of two ways - 1) ignoring them and 2) loving them too much. Both cause burnout.

Ignoring Boundaries:

For some, ignoring the reality of boundaries is a birthright. Excessive privilege, money, talent and beauty can enable one to live (at least for a while) a charmed life. We've all encountered people who advance rapidly not merely because of ability, but because of some other accelerant. What is particularly galling is when they pontificate on how to achieve what they have. This is the origin of the joke of "being born on third base thinking you hit a triple."

However, the more common way most of us ignore boundaries is through magical thinking. Pretending the limit doesn't exist. Or that it can be transcended simply by refusing to admit its reality. People caught up in this fantasy fail to reckon with the power of the boundary marker and...

• Deny their bodies the rest they need and "burn the candle at both ends."
• Ignore the power structures at work and "rush in where angels fear to tread."
• Disrespect the autonomy of others and becomes "a jerk" no one wants around.

Respecting boundaries does not mean never changing. What it means is that lasting change always incorporates a strategy that addresses reality. Pretending away a problem is a recipe for failure and disappointment.

Loving Boundaries Too Much:

The opposite problem with boundaries is loving them so much that you don't see the gates into other opportunity. Limits have a dark side. One that lulls us into thinking there is no way out. When this happens we abdicate our autonomy to the boundary.

I don't know the reality of Stockholm Syndrome, but it has a life in popular media because it articulates this idea. An abducted individual forms an unhealthy bond with their oppressor to the point that they see the kidnapping as a rescue. Loving boundaries too much can be like this.

• Parents who keep their child's sleep schedule is so rigid that turn down all social invitations after 5 pm and end up with no friends.
• Employees who study the policy manual as a sacred text and take every opportunity to inform others of their violations.
• Partners in a romantic relationship who in order to maintain the status quo, never bring up issues that may cause disruption.

Respecting boundaries does not mean abdication. What it means is that we respect their power even as we plan ways forward. Cowing before our obstacles is a path to stagnation. A form of burnout defined by the suffocating loss of our dreams.

How to treat boundaries and avoid burnout:

1. Acknowledge: Name the limits you have honestly. Without rancor, list out the boundaries and limits you face. Are these boundaries set by you, others, society?
2. Define the Scope: What demands are negotiable or non-negotiable? For example as much as we might wish otherwise, we all need a certain amount of sleep to thrive. What amount of sleep is your non-negotiable?
3. Strategize: Boundaries are not all walls, there are natural gates and ways to move from one side to another. Where are those breaks? How do you move towards them? Who can help you pass through?

Burnout is a symptom, not a cause of boundary issues. Looking for the causes of those emotions is a helpful way to change course. Sometimes we see our boundaries in new ways that help us toward healthier respect for them. Other times we find doorways into better spaces. And occasionally we come face to face with some realities that we cannot change. But in all of these, we discover how to honor boundaries in order to thrive and grow.