Burnout Blues – the cost of perfectionism

"It's the high!" - is what every person who has abused any substance in his or her life will say - and so would a person who would label him or herself a "perfectionist".

Last year all that I wanted to do was to run away - run away from family, run away from friends, run away from responsibilities, run away from work! But alas! That was a luxury I could not afford - why? you ask. Well, that is a question that I have spent months trying to answer - and yes, I believe that I may have a semblance of an answer today.....

I have always been 'very good' at what I do! When I began my career nearly 25 years ago I had no idea where I was going with it - I went with the flow - wherever life took me, I went... and life took me to some wonderful places! I'm proud to say that I never applied for a job or a project or sent in any unsolicited letters of interest - work has just always landed in my lap and I have loved my work. I used to think of an organization that I would like to work for & lo and behold I would get a call from there! Maybe this is one of the reasons why I've spent 25 years trying to be perfect. Somehow when you get what you want just by thinking about it you become a bit scared of losing this superpower. You are scared of becoming ungrateful or taking this for granted so you try extra hard to value it - and in my head the only way to value it was to be perfect at whatever it was that I was doing.

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Perfectionism - we like to randomly throw around this term without realizing what all it entails. It is not a personality characteristic or a trait to be considered a strength - it is not about being exceptional - it is a disease. It is a disease that eats you up silently from the inside out, destroying each cell in your body and making you empty and hollow until one day without any warning you collapse.

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"I am very good at what I do" - the core belief that has ruled my life for the last 25 years. And yes, I am very good at my work - I have proof in case you want it.

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But this proof has come at a cost.

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The drive to be exceptional at what you do is very important for professionals. It motivates us to achieve and excel but what gives also takes back. I am very grateful that I have been a perfectionist - always punctual, always 2 steps ahead of others, always meticulous, always detail-oriented and the list goes on. For sure, these qualities are what professionals should embody but sometimes some of us end up displaying these in ways that can only be labeled as "unhealthy".

Obsessing over completing tasks significantly ahead of schedule - aiming to finish deliverables at least a month before their actual deadline, can be unhealthy. Ensuring typo-free documents to such an extent that you would have nightmares about a wrong comma and wake up to proofread your document for the millionth time can be unhealthy. I would say not simply unhealthy, or detrimental - but an actual "dis-ease".

Any high-achieving individual would say that I am just highly motivated with a strong sense of responsibility and that's a positive quality and I'm sure you would agree, but I know inside my heart that there is something more to this perfectionism. When this level of "getting it perfect" in order to not just be better than others but besting your best sets in, it takes a toll on your body. The inherent need to achieve perfection is akin to obsession. Feeding an obsession is undeniably a negative trait and highly problematic.

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I first noticed a problem when I found a mistake in a financial analysis that I had submitted for approval - a missing zero! A missing zero is not a mistake, it is not an error, it is a disaster! So imagine my shock when I realized who was responsible for this disaster - someone who prides herself on not making mistakes! So I vowed to never let this happen again and become even more driven to be perfect.

And then slowly there were more of these moments. Many would say that these were not as disastrous as the missing zero but in my profession and my opinion, they were equally bad - if not worse.

?Picture this - the training is progressing wonderfully, the participants are engaged and learning and I'm chasing the high that I am addicted to, and suddenly I'm BLANK! One word, that is all that I am looking for - a simple word but my brain has shut down - and I'm silent. A few seconds that seem like hours pass and there is the elusive word suddenly flowing out of my mouth seamlessly and no one has noticed that I had forgotten what I had to say. But I noticed. And then it happened again and again and sadly yet again over the next few months.

?Do you ever feel like you are always in pain - always have a low-grade fever, always stressed? And then add to the mix tossing and turning in bed all night trying to sleep, and then falling asleep after hours of trying only to wake up again and again throughout the night, and even if you manage to sleep through the night you wake up feeling exhausted. It takes all of your energy and willpower to push yourself out of bed, get dressed, and get on your way to another day of perfect work. Again, add to the mix randomly feeling nauseous throughout the day. Add some irritability and anxiety and some periodic temper tantrums. Now add in sporadic headaches and brain fog. Brain fog that is much worse than Lahore's smog in December. Brain fog that borders on amnesia where you sometimes suddenly stop and try to figure out what it was that you were doing!

?And then one day you are walking into the class that you are teaching, you feel dizzy, your blood pressure drops, you start to tremble, you don't even notice the tears falling down your face, and you just collapse onto the floor. Wow, you have won first prize in traumatizing your students!

?You would think that I would now listen to my body and stop! Nope - didn't even pause! Why should I? I am Super-Woman. Anyway, who has the time to pause and go to the doctor - my clients have expectations that need to be met and I have expectations from myself that need to be met.

?Let us go back to that bit where I told you that work keeps falling into my lap - remember...... Well, that continues and one after the other new projects and new opportunities keep coming my way and I keep taking them on - while deep in my heart feeling like I was ready to lie in my grave and rest forever. There was no way that I would refuse work coming my way - it was ungrateful to say no - it was "unprofessional" to say no (we really need to learn to say "no" - but that is another topic for another article for it is another lesson that I have learned in the last year). And once again the quest for achieving perfection was underway. I owed this to the universe for the opportunities that it kept sending my way...

And then as the saying goes "shit hit the fan"....

Being forced to STOP is not something a perfectionist chasing a high can successfully deal with. But wisdom is in knowing when to stop. And I did. I completed a training on the 9 of December 2023 and then stopped.

?But I stopped for just a month as I had previously committed to some work and being the responsible professional that I was I had to complete it. And I did - doing only what was required of me - not going the extra mile - not being exceptional but being simply ordinary. And I survived - being ordinary wasn't as bad as I had thought it was - my students and my clients were happy and satisfied with my work. To a certain extent, I was okay with it too - I wasn't elated but I accepted it - I accepted that ordinary did not necessarily mean irresponsible or substandard.

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And then the symptoms returned with a vengeance. I had tried to appease them by slowing down a little bit but apparently, that was not enough and I needed to stop for longer.

By now I was used to living in pain every day, but what I was not used to were the emotional upheavals that suddenly took over my being. The constant pervasive sense of exhaustion made even the smallest of tasks overwhelming leading to feelings of inadequacy spiraling into a sense of hopelessness. The joy and passion that I once had for my work faded, replaced by a growing sense of cynicism and detachment. Anxiety became my constant companion, driven by the fear of never meeting my own or others’ expectations and so I was constantly irritated.

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Once enthusiastic and driven, I could now see my motivation dwindling into apathy. Tasks that I relished became unsavory chores because I could barely muster the energy or desire to accomplish them.

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It was at this time that my every waking moment was plagued by thoughts of running away somewhere and hiding in a cave alone and away from any and all expectations. Never could I have imagined that I would experience this desire to flee and escape life and hence I was at a crossroads.

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It was time to finally accept the diagnosis that not 1 but 3 doctors had made - extreme BURNOUT - a concept that I had previously never believed in. It took me a few months to accept that burnout was a reality and it had given rise to another demon - Chronic Fatigue Syndrome that had been afflicting me for so long.

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Six months ago my 'watershed moment' was my moment of truth. The acceptance that the path that I was happily running down had led to emotional exhaustion, physical degradation, and social depersonalization.

Burnout is not easy to accept as it is an acceptance of our limitations, it is an acceptance of our declined competence and productivity, and it is an acceptance of being overwhelmed, depleted of all energy, disengagement from others, loss of control and helplessness. But most of all it is an acceptance of our limitations as a human being.

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Burnout is physical, manifesting as fatigue, headaches, and changes in sleep or eating patterns; it is emotional, leading to irritability, mood swings, and loss of motivation; and it is behavioral in the worst forms possible. I had to experience all of these forms and worse to realize that I had not contracted a virus, or been attacked by some bacterial organism - nothing had happened to me that I could blame all of this on. The primary reason for this suffering was linked to no one except for myself.

Burnout arises from an intense, obsessive pursuit of perfection, a pressure we impose on ourselves.

The root cause of my burnout was a deeply ingrained obsession with being exceptional and perfect. An intense obsessive pursuit of meeting such unrealistic expectations was a burden that I had placed on myself.

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Just like me, many other high-achieving individuals will ask 'so, what do we do now'?

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The solution is simple - it begins with accepting that "I have come to a point where I am burnt out" and it ends with believing that "I can allow and help myself recover from burnout".

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Make an effort to recognize the signs and symptoms and don't ignore them - we all know when we are exhausted and when we need to take a break but we power through believing that powering through is what makes us heroes and is what is expected of us. What makes us heroes is to recognize what we need and to go after it. What should be expected from us is to work honestly and responsibly while taking care of ourselves.

Seek help from friends and professionals and develop a support system that allows you to accept yourself in all of your forms - good or bad. For in accepting is healing.

?Practice self-care - easier said than done - but do it nonetheless. It is not just your physical health that you need to focus on but also your psychological well-being. Focus on identifying at least 2 things that give you pleasure and seek them out. Take on activities that work for you - experiment with mindfulness, meditation, yoga, reading, gardening, jigsaw puzzles, painting, or just simply 'being'.

?But all these won't work if you don't remove from your lives triggers that cause you stress, and anxiety and lead to feelings of inadequacy. Distance yourself from people who make you feel that you need to prove to them and yourself that you are competent and worthy. Remove obligatory relationships from your lives if they cause you psychological discomfort. Set boundaries and first respect them yourself and then ask others to respect them. Remember that "you are what you allow".

Try to align some of your life goals and your work goals. Be realistic and listen to your body when working towards achieving your goals.

REST, RELAX, REJUVINATE - the 3 R's that I thought were a waste of time are what saved me.

And finally, beware of the ailment that plagues many high-achieving professionals - perfectionism. I am in no way promoting a "tolerance for mediocrity" (a phrase borrowed from a dear colleague Ayesha Zafar), I am simply advocating for accepting that you are human and have limitations and respecting those limitations. Some days you will perform well others not so well - it is not about how you perform but about how you deal with it. This brings me to the fourth R which has been crucial in my healing - REMOVE.

·????? Remove doubts about adequacy, competence, worthiness, and ability.

·????? Remove unrealistic and comparative expectations.

·????? Remove conditional and negative relationships.

·????? Remove "I don't have a choice" and its twin "I have to do this"

Remove all this and then you will be exceptional.

I learned that being exceptional is not synonymous with being a perfectionist. Being exceptional is synonymous with having a balanced, realistic understanding of one’s strengths and limitations.

Unlike a perfectionist who might relentlessly pursue unattainable standards, an exceptional professional demonstrates self-awareness and knows when to strive for excellence and when to recognize the value of good enough. This balance allows them to achieve outstanding results without succumbing to the stress and burnout that often accompany perfectionism.

I'm still working on embodying the true essence of such mindful excellence and slowly learning that success is measured by overall well-being and sustained performance, not just by flawless execution.

And yes, it is easier said than done - and I am still wrestling with detaching from old habits and forming new healthier ones.

What keeps me on track is reminding myself that when I'm fixating on the fleeting thrill of perfectionism I'm like that drug addict who is desperately chasing a short-lived high fully aware of the inevitable crash but feeling powerless to stop..... and I refuse to be powerless.