Burn Out and Boundaries

This past month, I’ve had to take a long, hard look at my boundaries. My energy levels were low, I was feeling frustrated with a couple of things not going my way and my patience was running dry. Something had to shift - I was on the express train to burn-out.???

Boundaries are guidelines we set for ourselves that help shape the behaviours and habits that enable us to achieve our goals in life. They help to establish and maintain respect for ourselves and from others; protect us from stress and burnout; improve our physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing; and promote our sense of agency.

For example, a boundary can be: “I share my concerns if I am asked to do something that doesn’t align with my values even if I risk repercussions” or “I don’t check my email after 6pm and before 9am so that I can disconnect from work and be present with my family.”

?The tell-tale signs of a lack of boundaries are different for each of us - exhaustion, frustration, resentment, loss of passion/mojo, disconnection from loved ones are some of the signs I see in myself and in my clients.?

What are the tell-tale signs for you??

Setting and maintaining boundaries is something many leaders struggle with (myself included).?

A lot of women struggle to set boundaries because they often feel immense pressure to do everything perfectly - both at work and at home. They tend to be the primary caregivers in the home, and they can feel that they are held to higher standards, need to work harder and please everyone to get ahead at work.?

Men struggle with this too. Many define their self-worth through their achievements at work, how high they climb, the public perception of their position and status (and salary).

Chances are, you know this!?

The trouble is, when we try to set boundaries, we tend to rely on will power, strength and determination to hold them - cognitively we know they make sense. Like the new year resolutions we make in a bid to change something we don’t like about our lives. Needless to say, it doesn’t work that way.?

So, rather than relying on will-power, I like to think about boundaries as a process. This is what helps me reclaim my boundaries when I let them slip and is what I have seen work for my clients time and time again.?

Step one: Pause and practice self-compassion

Before we move into action (it can be tempting to just ‘set a boundary’), we need to stop, breathe and acknowledge our suffering. The emotional pain experienced in the examples above is real and deserves our deepest compassion. In the words of Kristin Neff, we can say to ourselves: “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be gentle and kind to myself.” This can feel very awkward to leaders who have spent a lifetime being hard on themselves, but Neff’s rigorous research tells us that it works!

Step two: Define what matters most?

Then, when we have directed kindness and compassion towards ourselves, we can define what matters most to us. We can reflect on what we want to achieve with our lives, what we want our legacy to be and the core values we want to live by. For example, I want to serve my clients in a way that helps them achieve the change they want to make and live happier, more fulfilled lives. I want to build deep connections with my children so that they feel safe and loved. I want to savour and enjoy life. To help with this step, ask yourself: “what would my 100-year-old self want me to have done with my life?” or “what is my life purpose?” These are big questions that are worth taking the time to ponder.?

?Step three: Define our boundaries

Once we know what our priorities are, we can start thinking about the boundaries we need to hold. If one of my priorities is to serve my clients in the best way that I can, I need to maintain certain boundaries. I need to empathise without colluding, I need to hold up a mirror and challenge their thinking in a way that can create discomfort and I need to make sure I practice self-care. If I fail to process my own emotions through meditation, therapy or coaching supervision, I compromise my ability to achieve my purpose.?

If another priority is to build deep connections with my children, I need to switch off my phone, invest in 'special time' and sit with them when they experience challenging emotions like anger, frustration or resentment.?

To help with this step, ask yourself: “What activities, projects or tasks do I spend time on that do not align with my values, my purpose and my personal mission?” or “what do I need in order to recharge myself moment to moment, day to day and over the long term?”

Step 4: Understand our emotional relationship with our boundaries - without this step it all falls down!?

Have you ever decided to change a lifelong habit and failed? You knew cognitively what you needed to do, you understood why it was important, but you just couldn’t do it? Or you did it for a while but it didn’t stick.?

Human beings are emotional beings and the barriers to behaviour change lie predominantly in the beliefs that we hold about ourselves and the world around us. Without an understanding of why we struggle to hold our boundaries, we are likely to fail.

Beliefs that sit beneath our inability to hold our boundaries are deeply personal and require our undivided attention. On the surface, they could sound like this: “If I say ‘no’, they’ll think I’m not a team player, I’m not pulling my weight, someone else will have to do it, they won’t like me, I won’t get promoted, or worse, I’ll get fired.”?

Deep below the surface they sound like this: “I’m not good enough, I need to work harder than everyone else, it doesn't come as easily to me, I need to prove that I deserve to be here [I don’t deserve to be here], my needs are not important.”

To help with this step, ask yourself Nancy Kline’s powerful questions: “What am I assuming will happen if I hold my boundaries?” and “what would be a more positive, empowering, and realistic assumption?”

Step 5: Keep noticing and re-setting our boundaries?

Step 4 (above) is the hardest step by far but it’s critical if you want long term, sustainable change. And it’s not a linear process (sorry - I know that’s disappointing). I frequently have to go back a few steps and keep myself in check, like I did this month. And that’s ok, it’s part of being human.

My reset this week included…

• Delaying a few tasks - including this newsletter article?
• Planning two difficult conversations that I need to have to get back in harmony with my values
• Stopping work at 6pm and turning my phone off until the morning
• Seeing my osteopath
• Taking a nap

As always, the process is simple, the practice is not.?

What are your thoughts? Does any of this resonate? Do you have any tricks for setting and holding boundaries? I’d love to hear your thoughts and questions below.?

If you’d like to explore these themes further for yourself through coaching, let's have a chat.

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