Buried Or Cremated?

I write this piece coming from a place of love. It's unfortunate that I have to write it, but it's time. I spent 2 decades working as a crisis counselor. And over those years, I have identified bodies, buried and made life ending decisions for clients on countless occasions. But as addiction seems to be getting the best of you lately, I feel compelled to utter the words that were once a part of my profession. Do you want to be buried or cremated? 

I speak these words not to upset or frighten you. But, because you have a life threatening disease. And just as I would discuss these directives with a client with stage 4 lung cancer, this conversation is appropriate for you. Since I am unable to help you in life {due to your disease}, I would at least like to carry out and honor your last wish in your death. I realize that these words will probably not be heard. But for the sake of the family, the ones who are left behind, it does make the grieving process a little easier knowing what your wishes were. That we can try and say good-bye knowing we honored your last request. 

"At some point I believe we ask the hard question."

Watching a family member drown in addiction is never easy. I have had to have the above conversation on more than a few occasions. When a family member is resistant to treatment, at some point I believe we ask the hard question "Do you want to be buried or cremated?" I have done this for 2 reasons. 

1. You need to protect yourself. You have gone to meetings and therapy, and they did not. While addiction is a family disease, codependency and enabling can be just as destructive. I have and always will leave the door open for the addicts in my family. But, until they're ready to embrace their recovery, I have to move forward with my life.

2. You're sending a clear message that you will not be going down the rabbit hole with them. You've tried, but they are unresponsive to you help. Do you want to be buried or cremated?, is a way to honor their journey. 

These conversations are never easy. But they are necessary. Many will not have them because they are uncomfortable. But I ask, is it any easier watching a family going through addiction? This is one thing that we can control in an out of control situation. Even if we remove addiction from the equation, we still should be talking about our final wishes. But we don't, because it makes us feel uncomfortable. 

I recall many years ago when I was in my 20's, my landlords brother died tragically in a car accident. Just 2 days discharged from the service, we got the call. What I remember most about that night was, the family could not arrive at a decision as to what to do with him on {while life support.} They asked me to help make the decision. This is why it is so important to have this conversation. Death comes for us all. And with addiction, the likelihood of it coming sooner is greater than later. So I revert back to "Do you want to be buried or cremated?" 

In 20 years of crisis work, it is rare that people were prepared for death. Saying that, there is a whole level of unreadiness. And just as with my landlords family having to make on the spot decisions, the grieving process and acceptance is a little easier when we've had the conversation and wishes are known. I cannot stress this enough. 

"The addict is playing with house money."

Addiction opens the door and fast tracts the death process in many cases. Via overdoes, accident, violence or disease, the addict is playing with house money. And the house almost always wins. If your addict family member is unwilling to get help, be selfish. Honor their death by preparing for it. And you do that by saying 3 little words. Buried or cremated?