The Burden of the Gift?

Scented candles. There must be a reason for these exemplars of modernity to exist, but whatever that logic might be, it has escaped me. Does anyone ever use them? Is there a certain point in the day, when one thinks, this is the exactly right time to light a scented candle and bask in its fragrant bouquet? Perhaps it is the philistine in me speaking or it is a slanted male perspective and it is possible that one gets a flood of angry responses by the fragrance-literate sections of society condemning my ignorance, but I am willing to take the chance.

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If not scented candles, then take the example of a silver-plated bowls. Expensive, yes, but pray what do we’d with it.? Fill it up with grapes to accompany the next Roman orgy we have at home? Or photo frames. How many of these can a home take?

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There is a category of gifts that exist purely for recirculation, rarely as a product to be used. If?? It is meant. along with other members of the useless-but-pretty community like tiny bits of extremely expensive crystal that exist merely to be palmed off to someone, albeit with compelling attractive packaging. Which means that as we speak, the world is gradually amassing an enormous stockpile of scented candles. Perhaps when pralay kaal comes and the world is about to end, households across the country will rush to their cupboards, pull out their scented candles and light them in unison so that we can all die in a blaze of fragrant glory.

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The other, even more worthless excuses for gifts are the ‘mementos’ that are handed out as a mark of professional recognition. I used to work in an industry where about 8 worthies spent an inordinate amount time handing mementoes to each other for utterly obscure reasons. These are horrendously ugly pieces of metal encased in a velvety box that are handed out solemnly because one did something noteworthy, like wearing those florid badges at some funation. They have no redeeming value whatsoever, with even raddiwalas disdaining them. Worse, they have to be carried back since throwing them in the nearest dustbin might be construed by some hosts as being disrespectful.

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The new custom of carrying a gift whenever one goes visiting someone’s home is squarely responsible for this glut in useless gifts. It started out with flowers, moved to a bottle of wine, which was actually quite useful, and then has descended into a slew of useless thingamujigs that cannot even be put in the living room showcase, for those who still adhere to that school of thought.

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While gifts that cannot be used are a scourge, the same is perhaps even more true of gifts that come from the opposite end of the spectrum. Nothing is more intimidating than people who are utterly thoughtful and who to great lengths to give you a gift that is oh-so-perfect. How in the world do you reciprocate that? No way can you change the wrapping on your last set of scented candles and reincarnate the gift.

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The gift, as anthropologist Marcel Maui’s’ work testifies, is far more critical to society than appears to be the case on the surface. It is a measure of social relationships, and creates a need for reciprocity over time. Gifts are little pieces of code, that help bind relationships. Implicit in every gift is an idea of an unspecific expectation of a reciprocal action. No one needs to give a gift, which is why it is central to relationships. Gifts create an emotional debt that needs to be repaid, and in this ceaseless flow of material goods from one side to another, all of it discretionary, relationships get a form and shape.

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Gifts ensure that intangible ideas like ‘face’, the preservation of one’s sense of dignity and significance continue to be relevant in today’s times. They help sustain a layer of meaning that is not exhausted by an increasingly utilitarian worldview.

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In that sense, gifts need to be significant, not useful to serve their purpose. We measure ourselves by the value that the other person has invested in the gift, we assess how important we are to them. We always had an elaborate protocol of gifting during weddings, to a point where it was in the case of the dowry, coercive and utterly transactional. Even when dowry was not involved, a precise account was kept of who gave what to whom, because it then needed to be returned.

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Now the occasions for gifting have proliferated. There is Valentine’s Day, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Daughter’s Day, Karwa Chauth. There were always birthday presents, but now it is essential to reciprocate with return gifts. Wedding invitations come accompanied by gifts. No wonder the annual budget for gifts keeps spiralling as one lurches for one excuse to another.

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It is not too difficult to surmise as to why we feel a greater need to express ourselves through gifting nowadays. While at one level, rising consumerism certainly plays a role as we measure relationships in more material terms, the deeper need might have to do with a need to reaffirm the importance of relationships in a time when they can no longer be taken for granted.

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Just as it was absurd for my parents to say I love you to me or my siblings, for that was understood, the idea that every visit needed to be accompanied with a gift would have been considered ridiculous. We dropped into each others homes unannounced, ate with our hosts if it happened to be mealtime, and sometimes stayed for weeks simply because we felt like it. We did not need formal markers of the relationship, nor were we even implicitly anxious about its longevity. Relationships endured, they did not need to be nurtured with gifts or expression of gratitude or endearment. That has clearly changed.

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In a certain sense, therefore, the scented candle is precisely what a gift should be. Valuable symbolically and worthless as an object. Signifying that the other person is important without suggesting that they need something material that is useful. It can exist only as a gift- that is its essential function. So perhaps the next time one gets one more of these gifts, I hope to find it in my heart to be more appreciative. Somehow, I doubt that.

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