The Burden of Deserve: How Conditional Worth Shapes Our Lives

Deserve is a heavy word. Why? Because some of us heard it is very conditional.

If you're like me, you grew up with a parent who said that

unless you work very, very hard,

unless you become a really good human being who thinks of others more than yourself,

unless you dedicate your life to wordly matters,

unless you live your life thinking of your every move being fair and

unless you are productive all the time—you might not deserve everything good in life.

Especially not money, because money can spoil all these virtues!

Do you see how many "unless" conditioning there are to be a "deserving" human being? (These are the ones I uncovered, probably there are more! With pure good intentions I bet.)

It is exhausting!

It took me a long time to realize that this was the subliminal message I inherited from my family. While it did me some good—I've always worked hard, cared about people, and dedicated myself to causes close to my heart—I’ve discovered in middle age that it also held me back. It probably made me question my worth at times. It made me feel "not good enough" trying to live up to these expectations just to deserve to be a "good" human being.

I realized at some point it conflicts with what I truly believe: Deserving everything great in life is your birthright.

Yes, I still value hard work, generosity, and helping others. Yet that doesn't mean I need to beat yourself up or feel compelled to be productive every single moment of every day. It also doesn't mean I should always have to work excessively to make a living.

Unless you become aware of these inherited beliefs, you may not realize the impact they have on you. If you’re a parent with young children, be mindful of how you convey these values. Ensure your children don’t grow up thinking they’re unworthy or undeserving unless they meet certain criteria you set for them. They may have a different definition of success and they already deserve everything good in life.

Reflecting on the impact of these beliefs on myself, and the damage they’ve caused—if I may call it that—I see why it’s so hard for me to rest, even when I’m sick. It explains why I feel the need to be productive constantly. I didn't do these consciously. As a child you pick up these messages and embrace them without questioning them. You do not have the ability to process these at a young age. Your parents know everything. You are programmed to make your parents happy and get their approval.

When we grow up and start to question our beliefs that is when we start to realize the impact and have a chance to change them. This is one of them.

Please make sure you show your child they are deserving, without conditions.

Deserve becomes a heavy word otherwise and they will literally carry that weight around.

Ozlem Brooke Erol

As a career coach, I see this in my clients too. They do not think they deserve a better position, a better job, or a better company; so they never seek it. Once we go deep and understand where it is coming from, then they know it is their parent's voice not theirs. At that point, with that realization, they finally go after what they always deserved. Let me know in comments or in DM if you can relate to it.