Buoys and Boundaries

Boundaries do not have to be as complicated or as harsh as we tend to make them.?

One of the most common topics I see and work with—in teams, relationships, and individuals—is around boundaries.

Whenever people talk, hear, or read that word “boundaries,” defenses and armour tend to fly up. People envision a castle surrounded by a moat with giant crocodiles, barbed wire fences, and? someone yelling out, “You shall not pass!” like Gandalf in Lord of the Rings.?

Let me state upfront: it is perfectly acceptable to have some boundaries that are “Gandalf zones.”? There are absolutely non-negotiables in life! Know yours and honour those.?

However, complications can arise because everyone has their own set of boundaries, comforts/discomforts, and agendas. And sometimes those boundaries shift depending on the safety, circumstances, and relationship established. Some boundaries may change over time, some may need to be reset, and some can be fluid.?

Boundaries are like buoys?

Every year growing up, my family would travel to a lake for a week during summer holidays to spend time together, eat watermelon, and enjoy the sunshine.

There was a dock at the public beach where we spent many hours doing cannonballs. Far off the dock were these giant fluorescent orange floating buoys, markers used by motorized water vehicles, canoes, paddleboarders etc. to indicate the designated swimming area and other hazards in the water.?

There were also buoy markers indicating a ledge/drop off for those swimming near the edge of the lake. Similar to “you must be this tall to ride this ride,” it let you know you wouldn’t be able to touch the ground anymore, as well as how far you were away from the shoreline.?

Our first summer, our parents stated the family rule: we do not swim past the first buoy unless we had our lifejackets on or an adult is with you. And we never swim past the large orange buoys. In the simplest terms, the first buoy/marker indicates “safe” and after that “unsafe.” This is our boundary.?

My sisters and I accepted the terms joyfully with the delights of the water awaiting us. The buoy rule seemed fine—until I saw other kids WAY younger than us swimming by the first buoy WITHOUT life jackets or any noticeable grown up. Why was it okay for others to glide on by my marker—didn't they know about the lifejacket rule?! I was embarrassed and mad.?

One of my new beach friends wanted to swim out to the farthest buoy. I knew I could swim farther than the first buoy. I didn't need or want a life jacket. After all, I had passed my Dolphin level at the local rec centre, and if these little kids were fine, then I was too. Surely this boundary was just for my younger siblings and not for me. I didn't want to be “uncool.” I didn't want to ruin the fun. I thought I was a good swimmer and I could handle it. I am sure you can see where this story is going… In the end, no one was hurt, but I did drink a ton of lake water and my stomach paid for it later.?

As the summers progressed, and my siblings and I increased our swimming capabilities, my parents loosened up the first buoy rule and eventually it was up to our own discretion on which buoys (if any) we would honour.?

Over the years I learned that, for me, when it was windy and the water was choppy, the first buoy was safe for me. I learned that some boats do not respect the orange buoy and put people in danger. With some people, I was happy to swim out to the far buoy, and with others, I was content to stay closer to shore. Where I wanted to swim, who I wanted to swim with, and how far I was willing to go took time to understand. I had to practice saying no and reaffirm my own buoy rule based on my current need. I learned to trust my instincts.

Seven tips to “swim” safely?

Just like the buoys were markers for swimmers and boaters, boundaries serve as personal markers. I decide what is safe and what is unsafe. I know my own strengths and weaknesses, and I am responsible for accounting for the risks. I am aware of my own buoys that others may not know, care about, or even respect.?

“I really love swimming with you but the first buoy is as far as I am willing to go.”?

Setting healthy boundaries requires self-awareness and practice, especially if this is a new process for you. We need to be clear about our expectations of ourselves and others, and what we are and are not comfortable with in specific situations. Setting healthy boundaries requires good communication.?

Here are some simple tips to honour your own buoys/boundaries.?

1. Be as clear and as straightforward as possible. “This is my marker.” As Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” You can be firm without being aggressive. Kind. Open. Honest.?

2. State your need or request directly in terms of what you’d like, rather than what you don’t want or like. State what is safe for you. “I’d like to swim out with you and stay on the shore side of the buoy.” Remember that you are not required to qualify your boundary. You don’t need to apologize or explain how you don’t swim past this point because, say, a boat once almost hit you.?

3. Accept any discomfort that arises as a result, whether it’s your own guilt, shame, or remorse or reactions from the other person. YOU are not responsible for their reaction. This can be difficult, especially if you are resetting a boundary with someone you have known for a long time. For example, maybe you have a cousin who you have lent money to a few times, but you have now decided that you are not going to anymore. There will most likely be a reaction, but you are not responsible for it. Keep yourself safe and remember that you have a right to change your buoy.?

4. Give yourself permission to start with tighter boundaries/a closer buoy or marker.

It's always easier to loosen up tight boundaries than it is to tighten loose boundaries. This is a common mistake. When people are at work, or meeting a new friend, or trying to make a good impression on a date , they often lean into being nice/agreeable or trying to create a certain perception. As a result, you may overextend yourself, agreeing to commitments or viewpoints that don't sit well with you.?

5. Reaffirm your buoy or marker. If someone starts to swim metaphorically by your boundary, you can say, “This is as far as I go.” It also is easier to do it early on. “I see that we are coming up to the boundary/buoy; I’d like to stay on this side.”

6. It is okay not to go swimming with certain people. By setting boundaries in relationships, we also discover which relationships are safe and respectful, and which are not.? If someone continually challenges your boundaries, or ignores/dismisses them, then the relationship may need to end. Additionally, if someone else’s buoy is unsafe for you, or limiting, that is not necessarily a relationship you may want to continue. For example, if a romantic partner is continually contacting you wanting to know where you are, that is not is not a boundary, that is abuse.??

7. Learn to support other people's boundaries and ask for what they need. Then honour it. Identifying your buoys is a privilege. Many minority and marginalized folks do not have the privilege to voice their boundaries for fear of repercussion. Seek to understand their needs and support them.?

I recognize that comparing buoys and boundaries has its downfalls. There are no clear markers' or buoys' in life, and the metaphorical speedboaters may not respect yours and -put you in danger. You need to decide where they are and what you will allow.?

Most importantly: Practice. Learn about your personal markers. If you want to talk, or need some support with boundaries, please connect with me.?

Cheering you on today, tomorrow, and always,?