The bumpy road to fitness: confessions of a wellness expert

Today I would like to share with you my imperfect and often messy relationship with exercising.

As someone who has worked hard to befriend my body and get rid of old habits, you might think I’ve got it all figured out. But the truth is, my journey with movement has been full of ups and downs and doubts. And I’m sharing this with you because I think you might relate to what I’ve experienced.

Childhood struggles with exercising

Growing up, I always felt out of place when it came to sports. I excelled in academics but dreaded physical activity. I was called lazy and fat, and the pressure to keep up with others made me feel ashamed.

The memory of my sports exam at the age of 17 is quite a painful one. Sports was a mandatory discipline as part of the French Baccalaureate in Lebanon. I remember running during my 20-minute exam and promising myself that’s the last time I would run in my life. That’s the only mantra that allowed me to endure the torture. It was years before I even thought about exercise again.

Forcing myself to move

I went through many phases in my life where I forced myself to exercise because I thought that was the right thing to do. In hindsight, exercise felt like a self-imposed punishment that came with the reward of indulging in food afterwards.

1) Swimming

For about a whole winter in my mid-twenties, I signed up with a swimming coach twice a week after work. I would spend 30 min in the pool swimming with him screaming in the background if I ever dared to stop. I would get out of the pool afterwards with shaky legs that could barely walk down the stairs to the washroom. I don’t remember how and why I stopped. But I never went back to that pool and boycotted exercising for few years afterwards.

2) Personal training

I have had many episodes of personal training through my adulthood. I thought that having someone right there forcing me to move was the only viable way. The one at the gym did not last long. I have fond memories of the one outdoors because we would do 30 min of boxing at the end. The first 30 min of torture were compensated by 30 min of release. I stuck to it until the trainer left the country. For about one year, I had a personal trainer come to my living room. We both tried our best but I did not enjoy it. My body fought it like crazy. I kept going until I stopped.

3) Gym memberships

I followed the trend few times and signed up to the gym: whether the nearby convenient gym or the fancy gym far away. I have a tantrum at the thought of all experiences. I hate everything about gyms: the machines, the noise, the mirrors, the trainers, the people, the culture literally everything. Aaaaah…

Discovering movement I love

Despite the struggles, I’ve found a few activities that I genuinely enjoy.

1) Yoga

My room mate introduced me to yoga in my mid-twenties. I loved the energy of yoga teachers and spaces. Even though the movement was strenuous, I would look forward to the meditation and final relaxation. I would manage to consistently practice yoga for few months, then stop and resume on and off and this continues till today.

2) Hiking

I spent many sundays from my mid-twenties to thirties hiking through Lebanon’s mountains. Despite the headache and soreness afterwards, I would return back to the trails an average of two sundays a month for a big chunk of the year. I enjoyed hiking groups. I loved the socializing part along with the connection with nature and adventure. After I moved to Dubai, I stopped hiking for few years until covid hit. I now hike few times during the desert winter with my partner or in beginner groups for a maximum of two hours. I always make sure I have my stick with me for support.

3) Horseback riding

I learnt how to ride horses when I moved to the desert here in the United Arab Emirates in my mid-thirties. It was initially tough and scary and I persisted thanks to the companionship of my friend Salma. Taking horses out in the desert wilderness was exhilarating. I loved this oneness with the desert. I continue to ride few times a year even though my back hurts afterwards. I try to be kind to myself and just do it for the animal and nature encounter.

3) Dancing

I joined a contemporary dance class around my mid-thirties. I felt, why not and the teacher re-assured me that it’s ok to suck at dance. I felt welcome and so began my two year journey into dancing twice a week. The culmination was performing two group dances in front of the crowd. This was my gift to 10 year old Rouba who felt too intimated to learn ballet with her friends. Until today, I feel so proud of this milestone and grateful for the support and patience of the other dancers who practiced with me tirelessly.

While I now realized that synchronized dancing is not my thing, I do enjoy meditative dancing such as 5 rhythms which allows a free flow of movement. I mostly enjoy doing it at home for about twenty minutes and it’s a great way to soften my body.

4) Pilates

My sister introduced me to pilates in my forties and it’s allowed me to feel strength in my body for the first time. I am not a big fan of large classes and prefer small class settings where the teacher can personalize it to my body. I love how pilates connects me to parts of my body that I did not know ever existed. Pilates gently allows movement to all those dead parts of the body bringing a fulfilling sense of strength along the way. Over the past year, pilates has been the most consistent form of exercising even though I go through no exercise periods.

Lessons learned along the way

1) It’s ok to be work in progress

I just returned to yoga last week after a 8 month break from exercising. My body simply did not want to exercise and frankly there was a lot going on in my life and I just could not bother beyond the occasional online pilates class once or twice a month and the 20 min swim at the pool which I did for few times this summer.

The improvement in the weather here in the Dubai and the start of the outdoor season is giving me the incentive to now get back in shape.

2) Movement is not punishment

My weight loss journey did not involve exercising more. I still remember my counselor telling me you need to first stabilize yourself in your new eating habits before you increase your fitness regimen.

Making peace with food has involved befriending my body rather than aggressing it through exercising:

• My body gets frozen when stressed, making exercise very difficult. The answer is not more movement but rather stress release to soften my body back
• I have bad body coordination and it’s important to choose movement that does not overwhelm my brain
• Equally, my body hates speed and tends to favor gentle movement. I have learnt to embrace the nature of my body and honor my needs

Your turn

Do any of those struggles resonate with you? Have you found ways to embrace exercise, or are you still searching for something that works for your body?

I’d love to hear your stories! Comment below and share your experience with exercise—the ups, the downs, and everything in between.