A bully’s guide to psychological safety—ranting, satire and a kick ??

Small print: these views my own, not necessarily of the company I work for. It's entertainment with a sting. A hidden narrative of psychological safety imagined through the eyes of a bully (or perhaps a naturally dominant person) amongst other elements:

• Bully character, or perhaps just a dominant and intimidating person (me playing/acting/channeling) in bold type
• And my commentary (out-of-character as myself) in normal type

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First came Agile and that didn't work. Then DevOps, that was too difficult and expensive and now: Psychological Safety. I don't know how much more of this I can take. And as a bully in the workplace I feel compelled to speak up.

People who don't get it think they get it. This is the Dunning-Kruger effect and it exists regardless of intelligence, seniority etc. And it is true that some high performers can lack social intelligence and are overly reliant on dominance tropes that often come naturally.

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How the world really works

Let's strip out all the superfluous fluff people talk about these days (science, emotion, social, spirit etc.) and focus on the thing that really matters: the shit ??. And getting more done for less.

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Viewed through this lens, conversations about Psychological Safety are very misguided. For starters, they're dominated by worthy types going on and on and on about nice this and cuddles that and this is not how the real world works. Are they are the front line? No. You see, we are the people who really make things happen You know it, they know it—the Board certainly knows it—eeeeverybody knows it!

Yes, it's tempting to buy into the illusion that life is warm and fuzzy like a cushion (a puppy ?? basically). And wouldn't that be nice. Well I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, Wet-your-pants-and-run-to-mummykins, that is not how the world works. How the world works, Sunny-joy-sparkle-cakes, is down to us.

We are treated unfairly

As a star employee ?? I am extremely busy. This is tough to sustain when my feelings are constantly being hurt, my needs ignored and my authority undermined by prejudicial conversations related to Psychological Safety. So how does excluding us or treating us like the enemy promote Diversity and Inclusion, HR? No you can't answer can you? It's a violation of our rights.

We did not chose to be bullies, we are BRINGING OUR WHOLE SELVES TO WORK, and I thought we were meant to be doing that, HR? And even if we did, if that’s the lifestyle we choose to lead it’s WRONG TO JUDGE. You taught us that.?

These groups can genuinely feel excluded from progressive narratives in the workplace. Do we really want to add grievance to their ego pathologies? Indeed some of these behaviours are genuinely due to a lack of social and/or emotional intelligence so they have a point. And it is also true they are genuinely threatened by modern thinking and may even subconsciously do their best to resist it.

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We got where we are by being good at getting people to do things. It's about making snap judgements about the right thing to do and gravitas. It’s even enshrined in the Amazon Leadership principles (they have great culture so I know what I’m talking about): Leaders are right A LOT (they have another thirteen I am told, but as a leader it is my job to focus on the most important one and run with it). So when I come in to the room, bang the desk and tell you to get with the programme, I am providing you with the benefit of my clarity of focus. And if you find that intimidating that is because you are weak and not a team player.

A common trope I encounter is high performers dominating conversations then complaining about more junior/shy team members' lack of empowerment, commitment and competency level. This can be a self-fulfilling prophecy, or the Pygmalion Effect:

Dominant people (and the rest of us) nearer the top of the pecking-order have blindspots (cf. Johari Window) and may not be Systems Thinkers in the social context at least, individuals who may prefer to analyse carefully before acting and therefore can be prone to shyness and intimidation.

And when people are verbally dominant in a group it is easier for them to stay that way, and if people are quiet the same rule applies. It takes courage on both sides to change the dynamic.

This is related to the Liberating Structures model of the Ecocycle, since the dominant and submissives have already established a pattern of interaction considered normalised (not necessarily healthy) within the group.

Margaret Heffernan good here:

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So if I am talking over you in a meeting or putting my needs before yours this is why. It doesn’t matter whether it is better for me, what matters is it is better for the company. And anyway nobody asks me to stop or complain. Well perhaps once—twice—but then every team has its winers and they left soon after. It’s all about teamwork, cohesion, getting on the same page. Who's page? Mine. It’s hard being me. Don't people know how important I am? People just need to be more empathic.?

This is why I like the social conditioning of a well-run Agile stand-up with everyone taking turns. And remember, women are frequently on the receiving end here:

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Psychological safety? I don’t buy into it, I don't. But in this modern cancel culture, speaking up can land you in the ??. And we recognise when we are being treated unfairly. It builds resentment. Know this: you won't get rid of us that easily, cause we're in it for the long-term and will take steps to defend ourselves.

And we also work together. This is why I have compiled these three simple strategies for bullies to employ so we can all weather the storm and adapt while this latest spoonful of woo syrup goes through the system (oh and yes, we’re good at that too). Prey adapts, predator adapts.

It is naive to think people will not adapt by appearing to change while remaining ostensibly the same. And if bullying and intimidating behaviour becomes taboo it just provides fuel for its continuation.

Top tips for bullies in the workplace

1. Dominate the narrative

We’re good at this so we should play to our strengths.?Lip-service, one rule for them another for us, half-assing, Cargo Cults. Try lecturing people on building trust in teams, share a Simon Sinek video:

They won't dare to challenge our hypocrisy and tin ear, and if they do just strike them down. Or run a survey that is likely to confirm everyone is fine with it.

Toxic workplaces will score the highest in staff surveys about psychological safety since people are afraid to speak up:

And evidence shows some groups like women find this harder still:

Behaviours that cause toxicity have been catalogued by Bob Sutton in his book the No Assholes Rule, and he differentiates between "Certified" and "Temporary" varieties:

A confession: I am sometimes a "Temporary" asshole when the following conditions are met:

1. I perceive someone is being an asshole to me
2. I am not in a good mood or tired or my self-control faculties are out of regulation

This can cause a flip into Avenging Angel mode and I may use my skillz to shame them. The roots of this may come from:

1. Unresolved trauma of being bullied myself
2. A desire to "get even"/Pride
3. Bitchy passive-aggressive traits inherited from one side of my family

??Top tip: if trolling/negging me, pick your moment to avoid nasty surprises

2. Just wait

Treat it like a fad. Stonewall, ignore, change the subject. All important tools I hope you agree. And unlike Agile actually yield results.

Companies are always coming up with some new management fad or other. Bring your cat ?? to work week went by the wayside and the same will be true for Psychological Safety. So be assured:

"This too shall pass."Rumi,?Sanai?and/or?Attar of Nishapur.[3]?

It is naive to expect people exhibiting toxic behaviours will just change following a training course or memo from HR—vital though these are. True change comes from within, and personal growth is hard. We also need role models. And while a popular chiché is this must come from the top (and this is true to an extent) anyone with the right mental attitude can project themselves and become a role model. And we need you to. We really do. ????

3. Use your #YOUnique gifts

We are good at our job and the company relies on us. And we are good at stating our position and our needs and have allies that can help. So if you are threatened by people trying to change the culture (and what is culture anyway) then just act as comes naturally and pull favours if you run into trouble.

Yes, some companies are overly reliant on people who use coercion to get people to act. This is turn suppresses Intrinsic Motivation and oftentimes it is not deliberate. We are so used to using the hammer, we are treating every problem like a nail:

Conclusions

As bullies in the workplace, it’s hard keeping up with the latest trends when we have been excluded and marginalised by them. Maintaining our important contribution to working life may require us to take things into our own hands. Yes Psychological Safety poses a threat to the social order but don't worry, with a little effort we can recuperate that too and things will remain comfortably similar.

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"In the?sociological?sense,?recuperation?is the process by which?politically radical?ideas and images are twisted,?co-opted, absorbed, defused, incorporated, annexed or commodified within?media culture?and bourgeois society, and thus become interpreted through a neutralized, innocuous or more socially conventional perspective.[1][2][3]?More broadly, it may refer to the?cultural appropriation?of any subversive symbols or ideas by mainstream culture.[4]"—Wikipedia.

Summary and conclusions

Let's ditch the bully character and I will complete the article as myself. While some bullies are undoubtedly "Certified" assholes, many others will have blind-spots and unresolved trauma and are genuinely ignorant and surprised by some of the effects of their behaviour.

So throw compassion ?? their way, even if they are being a Prick, while mitigating their negative effects and working on your skillz. And there are great tips out there if you are not naturally assertive and want to carve out more airtime for yourself:

Work on your networking skills so you are not reliant on dominant types to construct social networks. It's easier than you think. At work I use employee-led communities of practice for this, sometimes described as guilds. Join a meetup, a community group.

And speak up at work if you are being bullied (assuming your company treats this seriously, as many do).

And if you are a bully or naturally dominant person, don't worry, you can play too. We are relying on you. Indeed you have a moral obligation to yourself. None of us are perfect, as I shared. Consider asking yourself (#AskYourSelf) hard questions and soliciting input from others:

1. Am I letting people get a word in?
2. Am I showing my human side and some vulnerability? This builds trust
3. Am I projecting compassion?

Remember: it's never too late to learn ??

It can be tough out there but there is plenty of room for optimism. Sometimes even "Certified" assholes see the errors of their ways and reform, Take Linus here:

One thing is clear. We must re-negotiate to change our social contracts if we are to address our myriad problems. This requires courage at both ends of the pecking-order, growing power/influence literacy and getting things out in the open and discussed where they can be dealt with for the good of all.

let's melt bullies with our love strategy vortex manoeuvre.

Peace ??

Some useful links

And:

https://www.dhirubhai.net/news/story/how-to-deal-with-negative-coworkers-5562204/

????Thanks proof readers/ideators, collaborators and partners MS and VP ??

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Do conversations about psychological safety ignore the psychological safety of bullies, and does that matter?

?? As a bully, have you ever felt unsafe making others feel unsafe at work? Or have you ever felt unsafe yourself, or are you working to make things better? In this article I explore both parties to see if we can come to some agreement. ??

#guildcraft #culture #transformation