BULLYING!!

Let's talk about this for a minute. I have come to notice that this is in fact a touchy topic for a lot of adults. Reason being that discussing it in lengthy detail either reminds them of their own bully, reminds them that they suspect that one or two of their children may have a bully that they have refused to come to them about or remind them of the fact they themselves were bullies in school or that discussing this screams to their conscience that they themselves are currently bullying someone right now.

Who is a bully?

Oxford defines a bully as;

noun

a person who habitually seeks to harm or intimidate those whom they perceive as vulnerable.

Similar: persecutor, oppressor, tyrant, tormentor, browbeater, intimidator, coercer, domineering, attack dog..

verb

seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce (someone perceived as vulnerable).

There are several ways that people get bullied. People get bullied in school, at work, in church, at home and in several other circumstances. Let's look at children getting bullied in school and then people generally.

CHILDREN GETTING BULLIED IN SCHOOL

There are various reasons why a child could get bullied in school. Reasons like; his or her physical feature, social and or religious beliefs, race, or the child has little or no friend(s). Worse still, one very prominent characteristic of someone being bullied is the fact they feel that they shouldn't tell anyone and that telling anyone would just make matters worse for them. Another characteristic is the fact that they are vulnerable. The bully preys on the latter. Gifted/talented kids most times have to deal with bullies who feel jealous of the attention the kid is getting. The bully then targets the child because they themselves either feel inferior or they worry that their abilities are being overshadowed by the target’s abilities.

These characteristics make it very difficult to help these sets of people. Majorly because they themselves tend to hid it from the people who can help them.

So, how do we find out if a child if being bullied?

1. They don't want to talk about the bully. They are usually very quick to end any topic around their bully.
2. A once bubbling and happy child suddenly becomes secluded and overly reserved is another sign
3. A child comes home with injury and refuses to say exactly how it happened, is a danger sign.
4. A child that always goes to school with enough food and suddenly now comes home hungry even the food is all gone.
5. A child goes to school with an accessory (like a beautiful earring that she loves so much), comes home without it and doesn't want to discuss how he/she lost it(this is actually how a close friend found out that a teacher was bullying her daughter)

Since they don't want to talk about it, how do we help them? Most parent would go into a screaming fizz! Yelling and threatening the child to tell them who bullies them or else.. This won't help that child. You have got to find out a lot of background information on your own first. First line of rescue is; you have to be a friend that they can actually talk to.Reassure the child of how safe they are telling you. To some extent, you might have to prove this to them.

Find out why they are vulnerable. Is there something that needs to change about that child? Is it something within your power to change (that won't affect the child negatively)? Then, change it. Is it that the bully is a child loved by all other kids so the child would become an enemy of the class or school if they report it? Is the school subtly in support of it by not speaking adequately against it or by not adequately cautioning the bully probably because the child's parents make major donations to the school. Could it even be that the said child doesn't even know that he/she is being bullied? Is the child afraid that the bully could retaliate if they are reported? You need to know all these before confronting your child, the school and the bully in this order..

No one enjoys being bullied. However, you can worsen the situation with your response. First response matters a lot when dealing with bully.

Generally, a lot of people do not know that they are being bullied and a lot of bullies don't even know that they are bullies.

Accusing someone of bully is a very serious issue and should be done only when you are sure and with a good reason.How do you know that you are being bullied or if you are the bully?

First of all, Bullying is conduct that cannot be objectively justified by a reasonable code of conduct, and whose likely or actual cumulative effect is to threaten, undermine, constrain, humiliate or harm another person or their reputation, self-esteem, self-confidence or ability to perform. In other words, if you make someone feel any less than themselves, you are to quite an extent, bullying them.

Many people who were bullied turn out to become bullies themselves. As an adult, the best way to deal with a bully is usually to confront the said bully and tell them how their action has made you feel. Chances are that they do not even know that they were bullying you. In the event that you have been able to not just assume but confirm that the bully is doing so intentionally and intends to continue, I suggest that you leave said environment or relationship.

I understand that sometimes a bully could be or be attached to one's source of income. In this circumstance, (after confirmation that the bully does so intentionally), the best approach would be to not focus on the bully and how he or she makes you feel, but to focus on your strengths and abilities. Do your best to prove yourself. Leave your comfort zone. Go out of the ordinary. Do the extra mile. With time, this wears the bully down.

Dealing with bully brings about so much long term and short term psychological effects; Social isolation, low self esteem, anxiety disorders, depression, increased risk of substance abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, self harm or self destructive behavior and difficulty developing trusting and reciprocal relationships. Together, let's nip this in the bud and put an end to bully everywhere we see it.

Shalom!!