Building Your Referrals - Giving Too Much

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Do you know that feeling where you give so much of yourself — your time, energy, your help & and support, and maybe even your money — and the other person just takes and takes… and then needs more?

I refer in my question to those of us who are giving for the sake of giving. A genuine & real generosity of spirit without the expectation to get anything in return.

I believe that even that philosophy of networking has the root assumption that giving is ultimately a manipulation to get what you want and out of the spectrum of this post.

I trust you know that feeling.

Think about it.

We over-give, under-receive, and then end up personally bankrupt, i.e. emotionally, physically, and spiritually drained.

“We over-give, under-receive, and then end up personally bankrupt”        

So let’s talk about it: Is that a healthy feeling when we deal with the growth of your practice? What do we do wrong? Or maybe what is good about it?

I assume part of you will add an additional question -? how to stop giving so much of yourself to someone else, that does not deserve it and that there’s not much left for you?

Giving is a core part of building relationships, but the essence of relationships in more than giving, it’s generosity.

“The Currency of real networking is not greed, but generosity”— Keith Ferazzi

Let me emphasize it again: No part of the networking system works if it’s not grounded in generosity.

Aristotle in his Nicomachean Ethics defines:

“generous person spends his money (and other resources) in the right way and for the right reasons.”        

Is exploiting “networking” opportunities the right reason?

Generosity is freely giving on an epic scale that exceeds expectations and needs.

Authentic networkers give fully, cheerfully and instinctively. They are generous in both spirit and deeds.

“Generosity is freely giving on an epic scale that exceeds expectations and needs”        

Being generous by helping and giving is good. It’s just that some types of helping and giving are unintentionally unhelpful and unhealthy.

Prof. Shawn Meghan Burn, professor of psychology at California Polytechnic State University and author of the book “Unhealthy Helping: A Psychological Guide for Overcoming Codependence, Enabling, and Other Dysfunctional Giving” offers answers for people who help and give in ways that are ultimately harmful to themselves or others.

I am convinced that unhealthy helping empowers people with psychological knowledge, self-assessments, and practical psychology-based strategies for building relationship change (for professional as well as personal purposes).

As I shared in my bestselling book “the Attention Switch”, in a business environment, where the attention span of people is very limited, the great way to get someone’s attention is to lead by generosity.

The more generous you are to other people by offering your help first and then your ideas, knowledge and services, the more they’ll be willing to connect with you.

“The great way to get someone’s attention is to lead by Generosity”        

1 Trait - 5 Facts

Here’s 5 facts about this powerful business trait that you should know in order to grow your practice and get advances in your career through healthy giving and generosity:

1. Be aware that some kinds of helping are less healthy than others.

Admit it to yourself - also you really need help sometimes.

When you have a tough period in your business life, you turn to someone close to you for help and support or for advice.

In a reciprocal relationship where both people give and take equally, there’s a mutual and healthy interdependence.

In contrast? - there are also relationships that are based on unhealthy helping.

There is no reciprocity in these relationships. One person does all the giving (maybe you) while the other person does all the taking. Prof. Burn calls this sort of relationship - a “codependent relationship”.

2. Identify the relevant parties

To make sure you are putting in the right energy and practicing healthy giving, examine the parties to the relationships.

In unhealthy helping relationships typically you will find two people involved: A helper - most probably you - who goes above and beyond (like, all the time). And a person who needs to get help (like, all the time).

If you see that this is the situation you are in. Don’t walk away. RUN away.

It is definitely an unhealthy relationship that only will drown your energies and make you weaker.

“Be aware: unhealthy business relationships will drown your energies and make you weaker. “        

3. Pay Attention: Any type of relationship can potentially be codependent

It can happen in your business relationships, your family relationships or personal relationships.

Maybe you have a friend who is incapable of doing things alone and is always calling you to help them out or maybe your family member relies on you for everything and you’re worried that if you don’t help her she’ll completely break down etc.

Who it is - doesn’t matter.

The fact that it seems to happen over and over is the tip-off that you might be stuck in a codependent or unhealthy helping situation. So pay attention!

“Pay Attention: Any type of relationship can potentially be codependent”        

4. Read carefully the signs

There are lots of signs that you might be the giver in one of these business relationships.

Learn to identify these signs in advance to avoid unhealthy giving:

These signs could be for instance:

• You’re the permanent caretaker in all situations.
• You provide support beyond your means either financial or energetic.
• You show care and affection to others by doing favors and continue to give.
• You’re convinced they’d be utterly lost without you.
• Helping doesn’t feel like just a nice thing you do, it feels like your responsibility.
• You spend so much time solving other peoples’ problems that you tend to neglect your own.

5. Listen to your own feelings

Do you feel pretty bad about yourself when being the giver in a business relationship?

This can be reflected in any of the following:

• You have low self-esteem and you’re convinced that the only good thing about you is what you can do for people.
• Any sense of fulfillment you have come from always going above and beyond in business.
• You never feel closer to someone than when you’re giving them.
• It seems like the more you help, the less the other person gets to solve her problems. And this can really make you feel frustrated and hurt and even taken advantage of.

Are you nodding your head so hard right now?

If so, don’t panic.

You can unlearn giving too much to the wrong people. You can learn how to recognize when you’re giving in an unhealthy way, and even how to spot a taker.

“You can unlearn giving too much to the wrong people”        

You can learn to turn your giving into healthy helping and grow your business using this powerful trait.

The key is a combination of understanding why giving to others makes you feel so damn good in the first place, and then adjusting your connection plan and outlook.

Last word.

You need to start making the journey from unhealthy to healthy giver. Thus it will help you find that giving and helping sweet spot where your help is truly helpful and your giving is healthy for others, your relationships, and for you.

“You need to start making the journey from unhealthy to healthy giver.”        

It’s the art of giving to promote the advancement of others, with generosity, which enriches, uplifts and improves all our lives and our world.

Just give enough and no more!

Only this way you will be able to make your ‘giving too much” into a powerful business tool to help you convert your contacts to contracts genuinely and grow your practice or your career.

Stop worrying and start giving to convert your contacts into contracts        

Do you also feel the same way in business networking that you give, give and give and see no business results? Did you examine if you give to the right people or if you give in a ‘healthy way’?

Please share your comments and input with me, I read every comment personally.

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Until the next edition, SWITCH ON and keep STANDING OUT!

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Itzik is considered the global leading authority on business development, business networking, client relationships, and personal branding. He is a highly sought-after international speaker, trainer, business mentor, & attorney-at-law. He is also the bestselling author of “The Attention Switch” & Founder of THE SWITCH?? , the leading online training, and education platform for professionals globally. Itzik teaches, trains, and mentors lawyers, other professionals, and professional firms to attract and win their ideal clients by becoming seen as authorities in their field, creating and maintaining successful and strategic relationships, and learning to SWITCH their relationships to referrals+revenue+results.

See more information: itzikamiel.com | THE SWITCH???or connect with Itzik via: [email protected]