Building Trust : Make Deposits, Not Withdrawals

"He who does not trust enough will not be trusted." --Lao Tzu

We need one another. Almost no one in the modern world can survive completely on their own. There is almost nothing around us that isn't there, in part, because of another person. We are connected and interconnected.

All of that connectivity requires relationships and at the heart of all relationships is trust. This goes for our personal relationships and our professional relationships. Doing our best work requires interacting with others. Improve your relationships at work and you improve your engagement, productivity, and opens the doors for better work, and possible promotions and raises.

You can't be a leader worth a damn without trust. You have to trust and be trusted.

There is no trick, no magic act to building trust. It can't be an illusion. Nothing less than your character is at stake.

That doesn't mean we don't each make mistakes and can forget the important role that trust plays in building relationships. When we dig into issues we are having with the people around us, the diagnosis many times comes back to one of an issue of trust.

Most everyone recognizes the big breaks in trust that lay devastation to relationships. We aren't as quick to spot the erosion of trust that occurs over time. We fail to notice when we haven't built strong bonds of trust.

It's good to be reminded of what it takes to build trust, maintain trust, and how not to take the trust aspect of relationships for granted.

Relationship Currency

In building trust it's good to think of the relationship as being like a bank account.

The positive interactions and actions are deposits. The negative are withdrawals.

Trust grows as confidence and safety grows. Unfortunately, when you do something that breaks trust, that is significant withdrawal. If you haven't built up enough trust, even a seemingly minor infraction of breaking trust - will bounce the account.

When viewed like this, it becomes much easier to see why there are breakdowns in relationship or the bonds are not as strong. Taken a step further, the trust equation looks like this :

Relationship + Judgement *Consistency  = Confidence + Safety = Trust * Time *Reliability = Loyalty

We can strengthen how others view us in the relationship. We can make tweaks to the daily actions in Relationship, Judgement, and Consistency.

Relationship 

• Be approachable and friendly
• Listen
• Help when you can
• Value the relationship and don't take for granted
• Appreciate and show gratitude
• Be an active participant
• Share feelings, thoughts, desires - open up at pace with the other person
• Be supportive and considerate of feelings
• Respect

Judgement

• Take time to make decisions and think before acting too quickly
• Always be honest
• Be accountable - admit your mistakes
• Ensure your words and actions match all the time
• Do what is right, be principled

Consistency 

• Be true to your word
• Follow through with your actions
• Above and beyond
• Be dependable
• Walk the talk
• Model positive behavior

When a relationship breaks down this typically happens because of fundamental trust issues. Sure, some relationships fizzle out over time as our lives naturally change and evolve. Yet, it almost always comes back to some measure of these things when the equation gets out of balance.

Remember, make a withdrawal and without enough deposits and the account bounces. Then you've got trouble on your hands. A substantial break in trust or if you've found to be untrustworthy (which is also affected by consistency) and you won't be allowed to make more deposits. Your money just doesn't have any value any longer.

Building trust is something you can consciously do and should do if you care about the relationship and the person.

Look at each of the above areas and evaluate which area you may need to put in some extra effort. Don't take the relationship for granted or that you have a strong enough foundation. Relationships have to be tended to in order to stay strong.

For a meaningful and lasting positive relationship, trust takes time to build. Be patient. Focus on small steps.

“Trust is not simply a matter of truthfulness, or even constancy. It is also a matter of amity and goodwill. We trust those who have our best interests at heart, and mistrust those who seem deaf to our concerns.” – Gary Hamel

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