Building Resilience in Children: Don't Say, "I Can't!"

Our inherent role as parents is to do our best to prepare our children for “the real world.” That means we are teaching them to establish standards, values, and habits that will help them achieve their goals and become contributing members of our society without our immediate supervision. We know from experience that there are many obstacles that will slow or even stop their progress. By teaching lessons like, “Don’t say, ‘I can’t,’” we are building resilience in children so they can endure and prosper through the many challenges they’ll face.

What does building resilience in children mean?

Being resilient means having the ability to bounce back from challenges, adapt to adversity, and maintain a positive outlook despite difficult circumstances. I love using phrasal verbs like “bounce back,” because it creates a vivid illustration. Materials that “bounce back” (e.g. a basketball) are typically designed to absorb pressure and repeated force without becoming warped or destroyed. The interesting thing about a basketball is that the harder it’s thrown, the more quickly and aggressively it bounces back; however, that’s not until after it is developed in such a manner that allows it to adequately respond to the pressure exerted against it. Similarly, becoming resilient involves a lifelong process of refining our emotional strength, perseverance, and the capacity to navigate setbacks effectively. That process begins in adolescence and continues throughout adulthood.?

Building Resilience in Children begins in Adolescence?

One of the many ways that my wife and I teach our children to be resilient is to discourage them from saying, “I can’t.” Instead, we encourage our children to say things like, “This is hard, but I can do this if I practice more”; and, “I need your help to do this.” We’ve noticed that this simple change in verbiage alters their perspective and desire to solve complex problems. Additionally, it has cascading and persisting effects on their character, behavior, and attitude. Our hope is that this lesson helps to build their confidence, teach them how to be resourceful, teach them when to ask for help, and encourage them to adopt a continual growth mindset. Let’s discuss.?

Building Confidence in Children’s Abilities

Building confidence is all about developing a sense of self-assurance and appreciation in one’s ability to accomplish a given task. Confidence is gained by helping our children resist the urge to immediately stop trying while nurturing four interconnected subjects: emotional control, intelligence (knowledge + skill), experience, and training. As parents, we nurture our children by adopting a holistic approach to our children’s development and getting them to believe they can. This establishes a firm foundation for future success and continual growth.

Teaching Children Emotional Control?

In many cases, the phrase, “I can’t” is coupled with a defeated and/or frustrated feeling after multiple failed attempts. Therefore, helping our children develop emotional control is crucial for their overall well-being and social development. Here are three key ways to support this process:

1.???? Emotion Acknowledgment and Labeling. This tip will seem elemental… because it is. Even so, many adults find it hard to recognize and label emotions–especially when the emotions are connected to a perceived failure. That’s why it’s important to encourage children to use their words to express how they feel and to identify the underlying causes of their emotions at an early age. This helps children develop self-awareness and a vocabulary to articulate their feelings. Ultimately, it allows them to better regulate their emotions.

2.???? Emotion Regulation Strategies. There are a few timeless strategies for managing emotions when we become overwhelmed or upset. Teach your children deep breathing exercises, counting to ten, taking a break, or engaging in calming activities like writing, drawing, or playing/listening to music. Encourage them to practice these techniques regularly so they can use them independently when needed.

3.???? Modeling and Reinforcement. Be a positive role model for emotional regulation by demonstrating healthy coping mechanisms and problem-solving strategies in your own behavior. Provide praise and encouragement when children exhibit self-control and manage their emotions effectively. Reinforce positive behaviors by acknowledging their efforts and successes. This, along with the other tips, help children develop essential skills for navigating life’s challenges.?

Teaching Children Resourcefulness

Having emotional control allows our children to clear their minds to coherently analyze any given situation. That’s when the other three interconnected functions (i.e. Intelligence, experience, and training) become handy. It’s in these moments that we all tap into our inner MacGyver as we search the room for clues and patterns that will help us solve problems. This is a skill that comes with time, and it’s up to us to create scenarios and opportunities for our children to sharpen their resourceful tools. We do so by:

• Exposing our children to various books, movies, TV shows, and cultures that help diversify their experience and perspective.
• Increasing their learning opportunities outside of school by enrolling them in various extracurricular activities that exercise different portions of their brain like sports, crossword games and puzzles, debate, or clubs like “Battle of the Books.”
• Doing handy projects alongside our children that require tools. Don’t be afraid to use tools differently from how they were originally designed to be used. For example, I’ve used a rock to hammer in a nail, the back of a hammer to tighten a screw, and the head of a screw to loosen another screw.?

These little lessons in resourcefulness teach our children that any problem met with a little creativity and imagination leads to a solution. It encourages them to approach problems as challenges to be solved rather than insurmountable obstacles—slashing their desire to say (or think) “I can’t.”

Teaching Children When to Ask for Help

Even with the persistent “can do” attitude, there are times you cannot simply will things to happen. That’s when you must ask for help. I view this as another great opportunity to connect with our children while providing a teachable moment. Of course that is the reason I created the Parent-Child-Connect brand. This is a perfect time to use the “Show-Teach-Grow” methodology where we show the child what to do, teach him how to do it, and watch him grow as he applies your instructions.?

By doing so, we reinforce the importance of knowing who we can call on in a time of need and when we should call them. Teaching our children this lesson doesn’t detract from their independence or make them “needy” as some would assume. Rather, it helps build positive relationships with their support system. It teaches them humility and how to solve complex problems with a partner or team. Strong social connections contribute significantly to resilience which, in turn, helps build a more confident child who is consistently developing into a well-rounded individual.

Developing a Continual Growth Mindset

The impressive thing about well-rounded individuals is that they adopt a lifestyle that allows them to refine their skills and abilities in spite of the numerous challenges they face. That’s a growth mindset! We cultivate a growth mindset by acknowledging that our children’s confidence will increase through dedication and learning from their mistakes.?

In my chapter of?The Impact Of Influence Volume 6: Using Your Influence To Create A Life Of Impact , I asserted:

We are no longer traversing an obstacle course–running from one discouraging barrier into another. We are growing stronger as we bound from opportunity to opportunity!

The Impact Of Influence Volume 6: Using Your Influence To Create A Life Of Impact

That’s the mindset that we are helping our children develop! Each challenge is an opportunity for growth. Teach your children that effort and perseverance contribute to success. When they learn to reframe negative thoughts into more positive and constructive ones, they develop a hopeful and optimistic outlook on life.

Conclusion?

I want to close with this:?Brea and I ?do not consider ourselves philosophical experts who have all the answers to raising and mentoring resilient children. Like you, we are learning through research, trial, and error. So I encourage you to find what works for your home. Every child is different which requires us to adjust our leadership style to meet their specific needs. That’s what it means to meet them where they are to lead them to where they need to be.?

Meet them where they are to lead them to where they need to be.?

Let this be an encouragement to you, regardless of how overwhelmed you may be feeling right now. You can do it! Lead well, and let’s continue building resilience in children together!

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