Building Relationship with Your Teen

Would you describe your teen as a “good kid?”

It’s a phrase I hear parents use over and over to describe their child, but it’s almost

always followed by, “But… he can be a bit lazy, sometimes unfocused, and spoiled.”

Leaving me like this…

Now, your teen’s behavior is complex, especially as they mature – both physically and emotionally. So, I’m here to dissect three of the top predictors of your child’s demeanor, drive, and resilience.

Parenting Style

Perhaps you are the “good parent” [AKA the nurturer].

Listen, I thank God for you! Teens need supportive and encouraging cheerleaders.

But listen closer… there is a difference between nurturing and coddling.

Nurturers positively affirm a child’s innate abilities, push them toward the uncomfortable and scary things, and gently remind them that reward follows hard work.

Coddlers interfere during difficult situations in order to shield a child from disappointment, pain, failure, etc. I call coddlers the “Save-a-Lot” parent… out here enabling their child to the 10th degree – think about that TI-83 calculator.

Make no mistake, coddlers shatter a child’s self-concept (i.e., how they see, think, and value themselves and their contributions to the world). When we release our kids into the real world, ready-or-not style, the reality sets in that Mom and Dad’s best of intentions have only created a false sense of reality.

…mom can’t get them that promotion.

…no one pats them on the back for bare minimum effort.

…others can’t resolve conflict for them.

…no one speaks up on their behalf in a sticky situation.

I think you get my point here. Now, let’s talk about:

Technology Overuse

Did you know that engagement with social media releases a chemical called dopamine? Dopamine is that “feel good” chemical that gets released in the brain any time we experience pleasure (think: food, sex, gambling, sunbathing on a beach with a refreshing cocktail in hand).

With social media, your child is hit with endless streams of dopamine through new followers, comments, or quite simply, a “double tap” on the touchscreen. If you’re interested in some of the science behind what keeps your teen glued to their phones, check out this Harvard University article.

The bottom line: social media is intended to be addictive.

So, how do we protect our kids from walking around like zombies, lifelessly scrolling and swiping and tapping and typing?

Model good social behavior.

When you’re all home, talk more. Suggest a “no cell phone” area, like the living room. If it’s feasible, schedule device-free breakfasts together as a family and talk about intentions for the day, instead of allowing external newsfeeds to set the tone for your day. Play games on the drive to school. Call instead of texting. Agree to non-negotiable family time – outdoor activities are always fun.

The goal is to get your teen practicing the social skills that you and I developed back before social media existed. #DisIsTheNewNorm but #ItAintGottaBeTheOnlyNorm

Lastly… let’s talk:

Impatience

Want to buy something? You go on Amazon, and it arrives the next day… sometimes same day!

Want to watch movies? Log onto Netflix and press play [and YES, I’m still watching].

Want something to eat but don’t have a car? Order and simply wait for the text that reads: “Your Uber Eats/Door Dash/Postmates driver is approaching…”

Instant gratification is everywhere!

…but most invaluable things in life don’t come that easy.

Trust, love, skillsets… these all take time. And even though the world has adapted and advanced in the name of convenience, remember to teach your children the importance of patience.

Aristotle said, “Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.”

Before you leave… drop a comment and let me know one way you may be struggling in these areas. Feeling good about everything? Just send a message to say hi! I love meeting parents who want to help their teens achieve big goals.

Until next time,

Linnita Hosten