Building a LIFE Together

This is a curated piece of writing. A lot of what you will read are excerpts from the newsletters I would receive from THE Gottman Institute. A research-based approach to relationships.

Why am I sharing?

I learned a lot of us would stay stuck in unhappy marriages.

AND I didn’t see why we should play martyr…

Are we in a relationship because it serves our well-being? This is what encouraged me to put this piece together on the occasion of April being our Anniversary month.?

Here’s my little gift for my #linkedInfamily on ‘Building a Life Together’?

Communication

• Practice?active listening?by using exploratory statements and empathy such as “Tell me more about that” or “Okay, I think I get it. So, what you’re feeling is…”
• Ask follow up questions. A conversation is not so much about covering a lot of surface area and gathering as much information as possible so much as it is about gaining an understanding of what makes the other person tick.?By asking follow-up questions you get at the texture of that person’s experience rather than just getting a cursory report on the chronology of their life. This is how you start to understand someone’s value system—what drives them, how they make decisions, what inspires them.??

Stay present to your curiosity.?

Intimacy

• Talk about what turns you on in detail with each other. If you’re not comfortable saying it out loud, write it down and let the other person read it.
• Put your phone away and give your partner your undivided attention.?Nothing kills connection like a cellphone. In fact,?research shows?that even just briefly getting your phone out decreases the quality of the connection between people.??Whipping your phone out is not only distracting it’s also disrespectful. If you absolutely must get your phone out because there’s an emergency, acknowledge that you need a moment and make it brief.?

Trust

• Don’t minimize your partner’s fears or concerns that may arise in conversation. They need to know that you are a safe space for their feelings.
• Share with your partner how they can support your individuation.?Your partner can be a valuable ally on this journey. Consider sharing with them your commitment to maintain a strong sense of self in your relationship.

Play

• Try something new together that neither of you did before, such as learning a different language, cooking a multi-step, multi-ingredient meal, or playing an online game.

Now a few questions to follow how are you faring as a couple.?

1. Do you and your partner engage in outside interests together?

a. All of the time b.?Some of the time c.?Very rarely d.?Never

This question measures overall relationship satisfaction. Understanding if you and your partner spend time together doing new and exciting activities is an important factor in measuring your relationship happiness.?

2. I can list my partner's major aspirations and hopes in life.

a. True b. False

This question measures Love Maps. We use this term to describe the part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life. Happy couples remember major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings change.

3. I would say that we still have our tender and passionate moments.

a. True b. False

This question helps us measure intimacy, sex, and passion. The quality of your sex life is important to overall relationship health, and helps us determine if this is an area of opportunity in your relationship.

4. Our conflicts seem to come out of nowhere.

a. Never b. Almost Never c. Sometimes d. Almost Always e. Always

This question?measures conflict management. Questions like this one allow us to understand how you handle issues that arise, which in turn provides a snapshot of the effectiveness of conflict management, compromise, and repair in your relationship.

5. I feel confident that I will stay in this relationship even if we go through hard times.

a. Strongly Agree b. Agree c. Neutral d. Disagree e. Strongly Disagree

This question measures levels of trust and commitment in your relationship. Trust and commitments are the building blocks of strong, healthy connections.?

Mostly positive answers may indicate?that your relationship is on the right track. On the flip side, if your answers are neutral or negative, you may need to identify your areas of opportunity. These five questions are just a small piece of the puzzle!?Get a full snapshot of your relationship health?with the research-backed?Gottman Relationship Adviser.

Remember, no matter how far you have come in your intimate relationship, cultivating love, intimacy, and union is an ongoing process.?

Every interaction between you and your partner is an opportunity for mutual appreciation and togetherness. However, when tensions are high and one or both partners are not mindful of their emotions, their words, and their energy, their interactions promote the opposite of togetherness, weakening the trust, connection, and deep intimacy you both yearn for.

To strengthen your relationships in meaningful and sustainable ways, a degree of mindfulness is required. The more mindful you are of yourself and your partner, the better. Yet still, no matter how versed or unversed you are in the art of present moment awareness, your sincere efforts to explore the present moment go a long way in bringing you and your partner closer.

So then it comes down to following 'WHAT IT MEANS TO REPAIR?'

This is possible when we accept 'All couples argue, but successful couples repair.' No matter how careful you are, you will inevitably rupture the bond in your relationship. Even in a good relationship, you may have ugly screaming matches, say mean things to each other, or get critical and defensive.?Healthy couples do all the same things unhealthy couples do, but at some point they have a conversation where they recover from it. The difference is that successful couples repair their interactions effectively.

My biggest and greatest lesson in my relationship with my partner was-

Rough patches are inevitable.?There is no guilt or shame involved with hitting a rough patch. It can be the jolt your relationship needs to come out stronger and more valued on the other side. (Read that again)

This is where I felt encouraged to follow how am I showing up in the relationship? What parts of me needed healing and I embarked on my emotional healing journey. A key question that helped me stay aligned was: Recognize your role in how the two of you got to this place in your relationship. Are there things you can work on?

Own your part.?

Now, the part that brings solace to me is the roles you play in this Earthly form is not permanent Kaushi your primary goal is SOUL-realisation. YAY.