Building a Culture of Productive Conflict

Welcome to the first-ever LinkedIn version of my monthly newsletter. I'm so excited you're here. My newsletter is a round-up of a month's worth of posts, conversations, and resources focused on one topic. It's one part research, one part insight, and two parts practical tips on what you can do today to make your team happier, healthier, and more productive.

After dedicating January to toxic workplaces, in February, I chose a complementary theme: conflict. How well your team handles conflict is often the difference between a healthy and toxic workplace, so it seemed like a logical next topic.?

I started conflict month by doing a poll to see which conflict scenarios worry you the most. I was shocked ?? thrilled ?? astounded ?? and relieved ?? to see that people's greatest concerns were the scenarios in which conflict gets ignored or buried.

That provided great fodder for some blog posts!

Insights & Ideas

Week 1: Knives in Your Back??

I started with the challenge of dealing with people who hide their disagreement or dissent. In?How to Deal with Passive-Aggressive People, I describe the triggers and hallmarks of this unhealthy form of conflict. Then, I?provide simple steps you can take. The secret is to tip the balance so that it's more comfortable for them to say hard things openly and less comfortable to channel them into gossip, sarcasm, or ghosting. (And if you want a good laugh, check out this?YouTube video of me?sharing ideas for reducing passive-aggressiveness. The ideas from 2013 hold up, the hair and clothes, not so much!)?

Week 2: Conflict Avoidance

It was a tight race in my poll as to whether passive-aggressiveness was the worst problem or whether the gold medal for dysfunction goes to complete conflict avoidance. In?The Importance of Conflict Resolution at Work, I got deep into the price we pay for avoiding tough issues. Here's the TL: DR...you might think it's ok for you to "pick your battles," but your organization, your team, and your family are paying for your conflict debt. (Click the image to download the poster version.)?

Week 3: Mired in Conflict??

In all the years I've been writing and speaking about conflict, I had never been explicit about my definitions of healthy versus unhealthy conflict. I rectified that in?Productive Versus Unproductive Conflict Resolution. And while the title doesn't make it obvious, I also included a few simple steps you can take if you realize that you haven't been fighting fair and want to get back in the good books.?

Week 4: Getting to the Other Side

And delineating productive and unproductive conflict wasn't the only thing I'd missed. I realized that I'd never described how to get out of an unproductive conflict. (Clearly, in the past 5 years I've been over-indexing on all the positive things that conflict brings, and downplaying the truth that conflict can be both unhealthy and unproductive.) In?The Steps to Resolve a Conflict at Work,?I give you both generic approaches that will work for any type of conflict and also specific advice for working through task-based conflicts versus interpersonal conflicts.?

Conflict is a necessary part of organizational life and avoiding it creates pain for you and all involved. But if the conflict gets nasty or goes on too long, it's a big problem. I hope my February posts provided a few tactics you can use to fight the good fight!?

If you haven't read?The Good Fight?yet, you're missing the chance to add valuable skills that will make you happier, healthier, and more productive at work and at home.?

RESOURCE OF THE MONTH

Conflict Debt Assessment?

Has all this talk of conflict and conflict avoidance got you worried about the skeletons in your team's closet??Monsters under the bed? Creepy things in the bushes??

Click on the image to download the Conflict Debt Assessment. See what you learn. If the warning lights flash, maybe do the exercise as a team. Create a prioritized list of the issues you need to work through. Trust me, it will feel amazing to get out from under issues you've been ignoring!?

Heard On My LinkedIn Couch

I've been investing in creating dialogue here on LinkedIn. My goal is to make my feed feel like the coolest couch on the internet. Where smart, generous, insightful people can have the most important conversations about work. I'm going to highlight some of my favorite contributions.

Comments about?The Most Worrisome Form of Conflict (Poll)

Keavy Ladner looked at the options I had given for what was the most troubling conflict scenario (avoidance, passive-aggressiveness, tears and upset, anger and aggression) and asked,?"Can I add one? Indifference."?Hear, hear, Keavy. Indifference is a sign of a truly unhealthy team. A team where there's nothing worth fighting for.

Thanks to John Marshall for an important dose of candor when he admitted,?"And it is rare, but I have been faced with multiple occasions of hurt and upset over the years, and have never gotten comfortable with resolving those situations."?Here's?the advice I shared with John.?

Discussion on?The Valentine's Day Effect

February is also?Valentine's Day! ??

This Dastardly Day of Disappointment features in my book?The Good Fight?in a section called The Valentine's Day Effect.?

Valentine's Day Effect: Conflict arising from holding expectations of another that you fail to communicate to them.?

Read the LI convo about the scourage of hidden expectations?here.

Julie Dupont said, "When we expect our people to be mind-readers, not only are we creating ambiguity for them (which just stresses them out!), but we also don't reach our goals because we never really clearly articulated them, to begin with! It's a lose-lose." Ugh. That's the sad state we end up in when we have expectations that we don't communicate. (On Valentine's Day or any other day.)?

?? To be fair, I also learned about the Galentine's Effect: The warm fuzzy feeling you get when your friend does a?Twitter tribute?to you and her other favorite authors, badasses, and persisters. ??. Thanks, @heyLGO.???

Healthy tension on my post about?The Costs of Conflict Avoidance

Stephanie Stewart got me thinking with her comment about my conflict avoidance carousel. She said,?"I agree that conflict avoidance has consequences, but moving into conflict without insight about your part in the conflict can cause just as much damage. If you are looking at everyone else's actions ...without asking 'what is my responsibility for this conflict?' then you are only pretending at conflict management, and that can create more problems."?Agreed, Stephanie. And thanks for not letting me over-correct on conflict avoidance!?

Alexander Schacht also warned against an overcorrection on conflict avoidance.?"I still think it's important to focus your efforts. You can't change everything...at least not at the same time."?

New insight from?The Difference Between Productive and Unproductive Conflict

Dan van den Werf admitted, "I've always simplified it to relational conflict = bad and task conflict = good (up to a point), but I realize it's actually much more nuanced than this.?conflict." I'm so glad that these conversations are creating a more balanced and more nuanced view of conflict.

I'd LOVE for you to come and grab a seat on my LinkedIn couch ??. Challenge, extend, apply, explain, clarify, synthesize, evaluate, relate... you can add to the conversation in so many ways!?You can start by commenting on this newsletter.

Thank You, Thank You

I'm grateful to so many people who are helping spread the message about how to build a culture of productive conflict.

Thanks to Gerry Lewis for having me on your podcast. Our discussion?"How Teamwork has Changed Forever"?was the most fun lightning round of ideas about making teamwork work that I've had in a long time.?

Thanks to Deb Mashek for including me in your great Psychology Today article?How the Stories You Tell Yourself Hurt Relationships as Work.?

Thanks to Kim Kaupe for inviting me on to?Coffee with Kim.?And congratulations on your nuptials!! (Grammarly just saved me from spelling that 'nuptuals.' I'm 50 years old and I JUST learned that it's nuptials, not nuptuals. Spelling ain't my strong suit.)?

Saving the biggest thanks for last. Thank you to the people who took the time to write back in response to the January newsletter. It's a high point for me to get your emails. Thanks Tony. Thanks Nancy. And thanks mom... I'm glad you enjoyed the newsletter, too (my mom is my most devoted reader--and best eagle-eyed spotter of typos)!?

I hope you'll come and sit on my LinkedIn couch this month (March is hybrid teams month!). Please take a moment to leave a comment and let me know what you think of the newsletter. I'd love advice on how I can make it more valuable to you!