Building Connection as an Introvert in our Virtual Work World

More people, extroverts like me, need to understand that when we take we need to give back as well. Do not take it personally when the gift of time you have given us is over for the moment. Give the gift of time back with quiet and let the bucket fill back up. it will be worth it in the end."

I'm an Introvert. 

There I've said it. It surprises a lot of people, but I'm quite shy around people. I do like meeting new people in a professional setting, but I hate parties & small talk. When my phone rings, I pause and decide if I'm going to answer it. I need that pause to reset my brain and bring up my mental shields to conserve my energy.

This is something I've realized these past twelve months: People are really tiring. Don't get me wrong - I love talking to people. But I hate loudness, I hate the constant background rumble that resonates around my head at a party. I love working in coffee shops. On my own. I like being around people, but not with the expectations of chit-chat and small talk.

These past twelve months have been both lonely and energizing. I've made many new friends who I've never met in person and they're awesome. Some I haven't even spoken to, only had IM conversations. But that's OK - I would still count them as friends.

The forced isolation of the pandemic has surfaced the skills a lot of introverts have of building productive relationships without the need to "shmooze", to take people out for dinner, to go to the pub or even meet for coffee. I struggle with that last one, as most of my productive professional relationships are conducted in the coffee shop. I love coffee. And I love talking to one person. 

Building virtual relationships

Now I don't mean meeting people in VR or just on Teams chat. What I'm meaning here is relationships that don't rely upon you being in the same location as each other. So how do you build a virtual relationship?

Recently I was talking to a colleague (yes, I do talk to people...) and we were discussing relationship building. He made a great point - relationships used to start when we first met someone, we could look them in the eye (if you're comfortable in doing that), smile and shake their hands. Often at the reception of their office. This physical touch (if it's consensual!) releases a hormone that make us feel good. It's a chemical reaction. If we receive an email from someone we've never met it won't have the same effect as that physical touch.

So how can we build a relationship with someone via our digital technology when we've never met them?

Recently I reached out to a business manager in the Microsoft Product Group. I'd never met her before. I didn't call - I saw she was "green" and sent her an instant message via Teams [This is my preferred way to communicate with people] Normally I wouldn't wait for a response; I would wait for the notification to appear in chat sometime later that day. In this instance I could see the walking dots straight away that she was typing back. I was a little conflicted. I was pleased someone was there typing, but also had a little trepidation they were responding and would they want me to respond straight away back. 

This is normal for me...

I took a breath & started to scaffold my mind ready for social norms to be introduced.

My new friend was very charming. She answered my question, but then responded with her own very polite but disarming questions. What followed was a conversation that spanned hours. We've never spoken in person. I have no idea what they look like. We know a lot about each other. I know there's a friend I can reach out to if I want a chat or advice - and we've never met in person.

When I stepped back and looked at how the relationship built over the time, there are some lessons that came out of it that are worth sharing.

1. Share a little about yourself
2. Respect introvert vs. extrovert
3. Be open on preferred ways of communicating

Share a little about yourself

Don't be creepy. I have my "go-tos", my kids, life in the UK (when I'm talking to someone in the US - reverse if I'm talking to someone in the UK). Sharing a little about yourself makes it easy for the other person to reciprocate. A little can become a lot if you're comfortable. And it can take time so don't expect a deluge on your first IM. The amount shared can vary by channel as well. I'm far more open to share when I can type than when I talk. But sharing about yourself is important. It builds the empathy and trust between you. If the other person doesn't share, then you know the conversation is going to be short. 

Introvert vs. Extrovert

It's not a competition, though it feels like it sometimes. Extroverts need your energy. You give your time. They often don't realize they exhaust you. Good extroverts recognize you may need "down time" - it's not down time - it's recharge time. Time to get your energy back so you can give it to them. Great extroverts meet you on your terms and respect they take your energy.

Introverts, we need to recognize that extroverts may need to talk to us in person and we may need to give our energy. Plan ahead so you don't exhaust yourself. Get those batteries charged. Find a way to work that shares your energy in the way that has the most impact. Which brings me to my third self-reflection.

Preferred ways of communicating

Find your channel. I know I prefer to message people. I hate the phone. More than the phone I really don't like team meetings. I hate the constant need people find to interrupt you or you need to interrupt people to talk (if at all). More often I will be quiet on a call. I will use the chat to talk alongside the meeting. My team have learnt over time they get a faster response from me via a Teams IM than anything else. It would have been much quicker in team formation if I'd been explicit up front!

When you're working with people ask what their preferred communication channel is. You'll get along much better if you can agree a way to communicate

For Introverts:

• Be clear on your preferred way of working
• Manage your energy & book "focus time" and stick to it
• Build the set of stories you can share about yourself. It really helps to have a set of stories you can quickly delve into to share with others and build that connection
• Connection starts with the first IM message & that's OK

For Extroverts:

• Don't call unannounced. This is stressful. Arrange a time so people can mentally prepare
• Talk to your introverted peers and ask them how they would like to communicate & collaborate
• Look for the non-verbal signals, like someone who always sends messages but never calls
• Don't capitalize on your introverted colleague's time. It's a scarce resource so ask for it wisely.

"More people, extroverts like me, need to understand that when we take we need to give back as well. Do not take it personally when the gift of time you have given us is over for the moment. Give the gift of time back with quiet and let the bucket fill back up. it will be worth it in the end."