Building Blocks of Identity and Self Love

I wrote a little eBook about identity and self love. I often forget about it.

I wrote it several years ago, just as I was emerging from the eye-opening experience of being perceived as male, having spent 24 years on the other side. It's quite personal, the sort of personal that makes you anxious about hitting publish.

But also the sort of personal that gives meaning to your life. The sort of contribution 80-year old you will be satisfied you made.

Somehow, it never found its audience (yet). The downside of idealistically wanting your work to be appreciated in the fullness of time is that, well, you have to wait for the fullness.

Hey, you write a newsletter

Yes, I do! I hate how easily I lose sight of myself. I've bought lots of books online off the back of snippets, videos, articles and other previews that got me thinking "Ah, I like this. Give me more". So, why not try it myself with my eBook?

I proudly introduce to you Building Blocks of Identity and Self Love.

Contents

Block #1: Always introduce yourself by name

Block #2: You don’t exist unless you make a point of letting others know that you do

Block #3: Nothing you do, say or create has any significance if you don’t

Block #4: You’ll be mad that people treat you superficially and you’ll be mad they don’t. It’s your job to open up your whole world to them

Block #5: Don’t spend a lifetime hiding behind a wall that can be knocked down in one sentence. Just use the sentence and move past

Here is Block #5, in full.

Block #5

Don’t spend a lifetime hiding behind a wall that can be knocked down in one sentence. Just use the sentence and move past

Do some situations make you freeze? What do you do for a living? Who do you live with? Do you have a boyfriend? If someone says something with conviction it can make you disappear yourself. Some questions assume things and it’s hard to deconstruct someone’s question or assumption especially when they are unsuspecting or perfectly nice.

Match their energy but fix their assumption. If it’s small talk, keep it shallow. If it’s polite, keep it polite. If it’s a bit of fun, keep it light. But never accept their erroneous statement about you. If you do this, it is not that person’s innocent remark that destroyed your identity. It is your complacent failure to represent yourself properly.

There is no point being confrontational. Don’t start an argument or become passive aggressive. Simply correct the error. No energy spent standing up for yourself or correcting an assumption is energy wasted. This is the very least you are worthy of. Your own energy for yourself.

More than this, enjoy it! It’s frustrating to feel like you have to explain yourself to others, but the opportunity that lies in this situation is that you get to put yourself out there. What greater joy than to introduce yourself? What greater joy than to have someone get to know you? What greater joy than to speak for yourself and be your own rep? You get to say what you want. You get to frame yourself how you want.

An erroneous assumption is not an assault. It is a cue that you haven’t already introduced yourself enough for people to have a perfectly clear idea of who you are and what you are about. No one goes up to Ms. McGill the lecturer at the end of the lecture on shrimps and asks her something about ice-cream by addressing her as Ms. Lucia. The frame makes it impossible. The identity and expertise of this person is already crystal clear. There is no room for error.

Constructing your life and frame takes work and time, of course. But the bare bones of the frame can be a simple sentence. Use it. Don’t seethe in the background, hurt that someone said something inadvertently insensitive. Whether you confront it straight-up or gently hint that it’s not what they think it is – that’s up to your personality. Either way, you are not letting it slide unchallenged, and doing right by yourself. Add in your opinion if that adds context.

When are you starting to have children sweetie? Your grandma might ask. It’s the 20th time and you aren’t interested in this line of questioning. As I have already told you grandma, I am not. Please stop asking me. A random person asks you the same question, this time someone perfectly innocent. They don’t deserve your rage caused by your insistent grandma. You still must correct their line of questioning, but not in an inappropriately aggressive manner.?

You are still entitled to expressing your frustration, of course, but don’t punish them directly. You might say “You’re the 5th person who’s asked me this question! I must be getting old. As it happens, this is quite infuriating because I really can’t relate to the desire of having kids. And yourself?”

Make a point of reciprocating the question. This lets them know how weird it is, if indeed it is a weird question; and it gives them the opportunity of having a say, the same way they have given you the same opportunity.

The building blocks of identity and self-love are applicable to everyone, but they are simply the building blocks. People have different personalities. My style may be humorous, blunt and matter-of-fact. Your style may be understated, gentle and sweet. Ms. McGill’s style may be quirky, authoritative and mysterious. Mr. Kneeshaw’s style may be artistic, expressive and friendly. Who is Mr. Kneeshaw? He sounds rich.

Do not internalise a slight. It may have been initiated by someone’s intentional or unintentional words, actions or demeanour, but once you take it inside yourself it feeds on you and grows. Do you ever notice how insults that are unrelatable don’t land? Someone might call me dumb. I feel very smart so I’m not remotely hurt. Someone might call me lazy. I know how hard I work every day so I can’t relate to that insult. Someone might call me weird. Suddenly I feel hurt. The words have taken root in some part of the insecurity within me and are starting to grow.?

You cannot eliminate these insecurities from without. They can only be culled from within. See how invincible you become once you remove them from within? A whole world can call you lazy but you are unrelenting in your conviction that you are working very hard and the results are inevitable. That is the type of identity and self-love you should strive for.

Slowly, you start to realise that people’s casual statements and assumptions are just lazy small talk, or circumstantial occurrences that have nothing to do with you. They’re not designed to annoy you. They’re whatever they are and you are way above that. You are self-contained. You know who you are.

If anyone is definitely attacking you on purpose, ask yourself how you ended up in that frame. This doesn’t apply to children. Our childhood is inherited from other lifetimes and we just take it as it is; or whatever theory you want to believe.

But as an adult you have to really question how you ended up in that frame. Did you genuinely not have other options? Did you only have an abusive partner to rely on? Did you really want that job? Did you really want to be friends with a person who has always done you wrong from the very beginning?

You probably let too much slide. You hoped that everyone else would somehow fix your wall. You hoped they would like you first. You hoped they would make you feel safe, and then you were going to let yourself become comfortable. No. You must always be comfortable in yourself. There is no acceptable amount of time you should wait before doing that.

So use a sentence and move past. Excuse me, that is my seat. What’s your name? Nice to meet you. Sorry, I don’t have time. I would love to. I am not interested. I would love to, but not right now. I am engaged. Sorry, I am in the middle of something. We need to talk. There is something I need to tell you. Please go ahead. Thank you.

The job of knocking down walls and moving into you own life in different places, with different people, never ends. Accept it, embrace it and keep at it. There is no reason to hesitate being in the spotlight. It’s a golden chance to remind yourself of you. Hey, you’re great. Everyone is dying to meet you. Don’t be late.

And my name is Arian. Nice to meet you!

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...and that concludes Block #5 ?? Are you curious about the other blocks? Download the whole PDF eBook here ($12.99).