Building Better Bonds with your coworkers

This week, I came across an article called Seven Ways to Improve Your Relationships with Coworkers (Link for the Androids: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/seven_ways_to_improve_your_relationships_with_coworkers#thank-influence) that I really enjoyed. There are bits that I already actively practice, some new ideas and a lot of really great reminders. Given the phenomenon of “Quiet Quitting” very much in the news, though I would debate how new it really is, it is worth our time to learn and practice our engagement skills. And, it will come with the added bonus of boosting our own morale and feeling of connection with a nice shot of oxytocin to all the right places.

I will let you explore the full article on your own, but here are the highlights with some input from yours truly.

What we want to do overall is create micromoments of connection. This is the quick hello, eye contact in the hallway, having a quick watercooler conversation (live or over chat) or having a fun shared experience or celebration. The important part is not the duration, but having the opportunities again and again over time that will build trust and partnership. The article gives us several concrete ways to do this, like tips on making eye contact, listening more than we talk (We have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason!) and even sharing bits of our personal lives. Just don’t insist too much on this last one as not everyone is comfortable sharing at work, though there are those that are way too comfortable, but we can share those stories another time.

First, get in to connection mode. Take a few deep breaths to get centrered and focus on the other person. We should ask ourselves how we can possibly help this person, better understand them and share a little about ourselves. Having the right mindset going in does make a difference and sometimes requires practice and concious thought, especially in stressful times when we just want to jump in to the deep end and get things moving.

Next, convey your presence. This means being there 100% with the other person and making sure they know it. Make eye contact, physically lean in a bit (Personal space is still a thing, so respect the bubble!) and PUT AWAY THE PHONE. This last one is really important. Even having the phone visible is a proven distraction. I remember my first boss, before we had cell phones (I am old) would put her office phone on forward to voicemail and turn off her computer screen when I came in to her office. This showed me I was more important than anything else for that time and really made a mark on how I try to be with my own staff, not to mention the people in my home life. This takes practice and reminders given everyone around us may have their phones out at any given time to avoid boredom… I am certainly far from perfect, but I am trying to get better.

Coming back to the “2 ears, 1 mouth” bit, ask more, tell less. Asking questions lets us learn about the other person, show our sincere interest in what they are saying and makes sure we are understanding the context and subject of the conversation. There is a book called Reclaiming Conversation by Sherry Turkle that I would recommend to anyone who wants to improve their skills.

Sometimes you have to stoke the conversation fire a little, so create opportunities for connection in your meetings. The author suggests asking some check-in questions about work and personal life (Again, gauge the openness and don’t pry in to personal lives.). They also suggest a Pecha Kucha presentation, which here is 10 pictures presented in 2 minutes. The idea is to have a quick hit of connection and sharing without taking up the whole day with a slide show on every angle of the grassy knoll picture you took in downtown Dallas. I mean, it’s the freakin’ grassy knoll, but one picture included amongst the rest will convey your interest in the Texas Schoolbook Depository alternate reality theories (Hat tip to The Umbrella Academy fans).

Another big thing is to remember to focus on the positive. The 80 / 20 rule is good to keep in mind. Try to have 4 times as much positive as negative in the conversations. This doesn’t mean we spend our day slapping people on the back and thanking people for doing every little thing with cake and cookies, but we should show our appreciation consitently and notice the little things that show people we are paying attention. Last, remember that what is important to us is not necessarily exactly the same as the other person, so getting to know them and their preferences is really important to build that long term connection.

Last, but certainly far from least, make room for difficulties. We will all have challenging days at work and at home. Our work colleagues are often more than just people we work with. They become our friends and a very important piece of our social support system. This doesn’t mean that we have to solve all the world’s problems. On the contrary, just listening without judging, while being empathetic, is more than what most people are looking for and get from their surroundings.

I hope this reminds everyone of the importance of making small but frequent connections. In our daily lives, we can get caught up in getting sh*t done, but do need to take a little time to build connections. In the long run, they will make us even more productive through sharing and caring. Personally, I enjoy making connections and getting your feedback, so if this little article inspired you, reach out! I love hearing from you.

Have a great day and week ahead!

John

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