Build Your Self-Worth with Boundaries

Boundaries are defined as those things that mark the limit of an area or thing. A visual for you are the old stone walls seen here in my home state when driving around our rural towns. These are rock walls built back when the lands were hand foraged and settled by the people who claimed them starting in the 1600’s. The stone walls represent the boundary line of the owner’s property. They are strong, significant and stand the test of time.

We have all heard stories or seen movies from the settlement days which include landowners protecting their lands by whatever means they saw fit. Many involve a trespasser being met with a loaded and ready to fire rifle. Meaning, you know if you cross this boundary the consequence could be your life.

I was in conversation with our youngest recently. She is a senior in high-school and just went through a break-up, for the 2nd time this year. Let me just pause here and remember how big emotions are for high schoolers. Another reminder of why I would never go back. I digress. Anyway, we were talking about having confidence to verbalize our needs to the people with whom we are in relationships. It was a conversation about protecting our own happiness and self-worth. Setting  boundaries.

Like establishing a property line as the settlers did back in the day to protect their family and homes, we need to establish emotional lines to protect ourselves. Expressing what we need to those with whom we are in relation can seem daunting when tied to an emotional response. Many of us struggle due to fear of how the other one will react. We lack the confidence to tell someone when we need them to give us time apart. Or when we need them to give us some space for a minute. Or when we simply need them to respect us for what we are asking, even if they do not agree.

Many of us innately assume when we have a need or want which may cause an emotional reaction from our partner (or insert whatever relationship, be it a colleague, boss, sibling, parent, best friend, etc.), and we express it, the other side might leave us, or be disappointed in us. I hate to share this with you, but the reason here lies in the very specific word choice of mine earlier. We naturally know when or if the conversation we are going to have with someone is going to change the trajectory of the relationship. It is innate. Yet we still are afraid to have the conversation for fear of the unknown.

Unlike the settlement days and the fear of crossing into someone else’s property and maybe getting shot, the unknown here is murky and a scary place.  We do not know what to expect from the other side. Will we get shot (ok, that is extreme)? Will they still love me? Will they say bad things about me (or post bad things on social media)? Will they leave me? Will I disappoint them? Any of these sounding familiar?

For a long time, these were the questions (or fear) keeping me from setting emotional boundaries. Over the years (and many unhealthy relationships later), what I have learned is just the opposite. When you are surrounded by people who truly love, care and/or respect you, it does not have to be this way. In fact, when surrounded by healthy relationships, practicing boundaries builds stronger, deeper and more authentic ones. This is because you are in relation with people (or insert relationship here) who WANT to be in relation with you. I am not going to lie, you will lose relationships, too. We all have unhealthy relationships, it is normal. An unfortunate reality of some relationships is that they are not equally balanced, or the other side is not willing to be in a relationship which requires more or different from them. That is OK.

Do you want to consciously choose the relationships you wish to stay in or be in, or maybe figure out if you should move on? Here are three initial questions to ask about your relationship and if it might need some emotional boundary setting:

1. Does the person or relationship make you feel fulfilled or drained most of the time? A relationship is not meant to be hard work. If equally balanced, most of your time should be happiness, joy and contentment. My therapist once told me that relationships are work, but they are not hard work when both sides work towards the same goal. I remember many a relationship where I could not understand why the other side didn’t give me as much as I gave them. I felt as if I was always giving double. If you are feeling drained most of the time or that you are giving a larger % of yourself to the relationship, check yourself, before you completely wreck yourself! Get off that crazy train, and back to self-happiness.
2. When you express how you feel, do you receive validation on how you feel? Is there a commitment to work on or resolve the differences between you? Validation is a very powerful noun in relationships. When your feelings are validated, it means that the other side heard you and cares – they are VALID and means something. When feelings are seen as valid, even if the other side doesn’t agree, there is a commitment to work on resolving or overcoming that feeling you are having. If the other side simply ignores or walks away, it might be time to say, “Bye Felicia!” I had a best friend of more than 15 years with whom I had to have a tough conversation. I had to tell her I felt I needed more from her as a friend. That was in 2015 and she has not talked to me since. My feelings were not validated. She walked away caring only about how she felt and in turn, lost a fantastic friend.
3. If you have expressed a need to the other person or relationship, does it go unanswered or ignored? Similar to validation, but not the same. There are times when we need something from the relationship or the other person that is important to us. Yet when we communicate it, it is just ignored. Ignorance is bliss, if you are the other person or relationship because they just do not want to deal. It’s easier to ignore, than it is to put the work in. A great example here goes back our youngest and her breakup. She told the ex she needed time before she could have a conversation. The ex continued to message her. Messages were sent in a variety of different ways to get her to respond and when she finally did, worried something was wrong, the real reason revealed itself, her ex was asking if they should get their hair cut…. Talk about ignorance being bliss!

I challenge us to be more intentional in our relationships. Work harder at being more authentic and use emotional boundaries to communicate our needs and wants. Allow the other person or people to know what these are and allow them to share theirs so that you can have a deeper and more meaningful relationship. Set yourself up to be in healthy relationships by trusting in yourself, and those who truly care for you to respect you.

When we allow ourselves to do this, we have more authentic and unconditional relationships. We set clear expectations as to what it is, we need from them in order for the relationship to work. This does not mean the other side adheres to your needs, but what it does is open a dialogue of understanding, and often, compromise. It sets us up for success in the relationships we choose to be in!