Build your mental toughness by managing your personal boundaries.

To build your mental toughness you need your psychological boundaries in place and there is a fabulous old proverb, below, that perfectly describes the rationale behind that need . Good fences make good neighbours and good neighbours respect your needs and preferences.

Good fences make good neighbours. – Old proverb

Fences around your physical property allow you to protect what is valuable to you and control who and what enters your space .

Your personal and professional boundaries perform a similar function by providing a clear definition between yourself  and others in order to protect you physically and psychologically and where necessary exclude contact.

Boundaries can also help you to develop more productive personal and professional relationships because there is more clarity about your own and others’ values ,needs and beliefs. 

You are more likely to maintain mutually respectful relationships , possess a more robust sense of psychological safety, leading to less stress and so probably being happier and healthier as a result .

Whilst sadly it isn’t a given that people respect your boundaries, the fact that you know what they are ,declare what they are ,and defend what they are, is a very strong step in building and maintaining your mental strength . This process also helps you build resolve and self-belief in your own identity .

I have referred below to a helpful post by the Mind Tools Content team on the importance of boundaries and how to manage them for your self-esteem and wellbeing .

 Why Are Boundaries Important?

Many people struggle to establish boundaries, held back by low self-esteem , a fear of conflict by upsetting people or not wishing to appear belligerent . Often they may reluctantly accept intrusions across their boundaries ,to “keep the peace “ which can leave them feeling hurt and compromised .

Its much better to establish clear personal boundaries to ensure that you and others treat yourself with compassion and consideration.

How to Manage Your Boundaries

There are four main stages to managing your boundaries.

Stage 1: Analysing your need for Boundaries

Ask yourself these questions:

·      Do you sometimes doubt that you have a right to have your needs met, or make little effort to have them met?

·      Do you avoid speaking up for yourself, and do you "let things go" without reacting to bad situations?

·      Do you tend to avoid conflict? Do you let others have their way or allow them to make decisions for you?

·      Do you sometimes agree to do things that you really don't want to do – and later regret it?

If you answered mostly "yes," then chances are that people see you as a "soft touch" who they can manipulate into doing what they want, without negotiation. It's time, then, to start strengthening your boundaries!

Stage 2: What are Your Boundary Needs ?

You may believe that to get along with others, or to do the job that you're paid to do, you need to give much more than you take. Perhaps you say things like, "Whatever you choose will be great!" and agree to do things that you don't want to do, and shouldn't have to do.

This may avoid conflict with others, but it can create conflict inside you. Anger and tension can build because you're not getting what you need, and this can lead to bad behaviour or burnout. It's far better to identify what you need and develop strategies to ensure that your needs are met.

So, think of times when you felt angry, tense or resentful, or times when your reaction to something embarrassed you. These were likely occasions when your needs were not met.

Ask yourself these questions:

·      What need were you denied?

·      What did you really want?

Then, use internal positive affirmations  to articulate your specific needs:

The following are examples ;

·      I have a right to ask for ________, because I need ________.

·      It's OK to protect my time by________, because I need ________.

·      I will not allow others to________, because I need _______.

This process of self-reflection and positive reinforcement will help you to  understand and manage your needs. Don't minimize your own self-worth – you deserve the treatment and respect that you give to others!

Stage 3: Setting Healthy Boundaries

Now that you understand the needs and boundaries that must be in place for you to be happy, you must change your behaviour and let others know as they won’t figure it out without you letting them know.

You need to be assertive and firm– but not aggressive – about your own rights, needs and boundaries, while considering those of others. When you're assertive, you get your point across firmly and fairly, but with empathy.

An essential part of this is to practice saying "no," politely but firmly. Many people find this hard. 

The alternative is automatically saying "yes" to everything and risking  not having enough time to do anything properly. You also risk not working on the things that are truly important, and you'll end up feeling used or frustrated. 

Stage 4: Maintaining and Respecting Your Boundaries

Setting boundaries will likely give you an immediate sense of empowerment, but "holding your line" and maintaining them can be hard, especially if others are used to you not doing so.

You need to maintain a clear sense of what you will and will not accept, but be realistic and adaptable when necessary. Reset boundaries to suit your situation, and rethink ones that later seem too rigid. Remember not to isolate yourself or to simply stop collaborating .

When your boundaries are under threat, look out for the negative emotions that you associate with the situation and then work  to control them, while calmly reasserting those boundaries.

Photo by Jan Canty on Unsplash

I am an experienced mental toughness and leadership practitioner who advises and coaches business owners and leaders and their organisations.

As Co-Founder of Mental Toughness Partners, the leading specialist mental toughness (think resilience and confident mindset) and MTQ psychometric company in the southern hemisphere, I provide sales and support of AQR International products to coaches, leaders and their organisations throughout Australia, New Zealand and the SE Asia region.

To discuss further how we can assist you to measure and develop your mental toughness please contact me, Paul Lyons via;

W: www.mentaltoughness.partners

E: [email protected]

T: (61) 419 224 875

LI: https://www.dhirubhai.net/in/paullyonsadviser/