Build Your 'Friendship Net Worth'

Today, when technology often distances us more than it connects us, the importance of having a strong network of friends cannot be overstated. Simon Sinek says, "The quality of our relationships determines the value of our lives." This highlights a fundamental truth: true success and happiness come from the depth of our friendships, not our financial wealth.

We've become so bad at building friends that we put pressure on our work and romantic relationships to fill the void, believing that finding the right person or perfect job will make us happy and fulfilled. And we use politics as a proxy for connection. However, research shows that friends bring more happiness into our lives than almost anything else.

But how do we go about building and nurturing these vital relationships? Let's explore why having a strong 'Friendship Net Worth' matters and explore actionable steps to build and sustain strong friendships.

Why

Dan Buettner, author of The Blue Zones, regions known for their high longevity rates, emphasizes the critical role of social connection in maintaining health and well-being. He finds it improves:

• Cognitive Health: Regular interactions with friends and family help maintain skills and slow cognitive decline as people age.
• Sense of Purpose: Friends help build community and create a sense of belonging and purpose.
• Resilience: Friendships offer intellectual stimulation and emotional support, which are crucial during hardships.
• Longevity: Strong connections help people live longer by providing emotional support, reducing stress, and encouraging healthy behaviors.

If a happier, healthier, longer life is not enough reason to focus on friends, professional reasons include:

• Helping you reach goals: Friends push us beyond our comfort zones and encourage personal and professional growth. They help by offering support, diverse perspectives, and constructive feedback.
• Networking Opportunities: A strong friends network can help turn your ideas into reality by providing collaboration and connection to opportunities for enhanced success.

Action Steps

Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse who spent years working with dying patients, finds one of the most common regrets people have on their deathbeds is working too hard at the expense of giving enough time and effort to maintain friendships. Building friends takes focused time and intention and may require setting new priorities.

Where and how should we focus? Despite the growth of self-help in many areas, too few address cultivating and maintaining good friendships. Here are some ideas I found on the topic:

Get Out

Find excuses to get out and meet new people looking for belonging. Join communities where passions bring people together in ways to gain exposure to different viewpoints, cultures, and people that expand your horizons. Whether it’s a club, hobby, religious, or volunteer group, start with a community that fosters connections in areas you already love.

Connect

David Brooks, in his recent book How to Know a Person, says the act of building friends involves performing a series of small actions to deepen connection: building trust over time; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; asking for help; sitting with someone who is suffering; seeing someone else deeply and making them feel seen, valued, heard, and understood. Simon Sinek adds saying "I love you," and meaning it. Include treating yourself with compassion to allow more room for compassion toward others. Deep, compassionate connection is the best gift to build friendship.

We don't build trust by offering help, we build trust by asking for it. — Simon Sinek

Show Up

Inviting friends to be there when needed and showing up for others are the essence of friendship. Being there for each other creates mutual trust and strong bonds.

Practice

Like any important skill, you'll make mistakes and get better as you go. Practice shining light and showing curiosity to get to know another honestly. Practice active listening and being vulnerable to deepen relationships. Practice honestly sharing wins, struggles, challenges, and emotions to add meaning. Practice good conversation and being fully present with another to build connection. True friends will appreciate your effort even if you're not perfect and will feel closer to you as you work with them to improve your 'being a friend' skills.

Make it Routine

Like working out, dieting, and other healthy activities, one-time actions are only the beginning. After meeting someone new or reconnecting with a friend, don’t stop. Make time for ongoing spontaneous and planned friend-nurturing actions. Create habits and routines that consistently nurture connections. Kasley Killam, the author of The Art and Science of Social Connection suggests:

• Make a "To Love" List of 3-10 important people to regularly stay in touch with by text, phone, and in person
• Schedule Autopilot: Put recurring friend dates on your calendar
• Multitask and Microdose: Call a friend while folding laundry or chat with family during your commute even if only for a few minutes
• Ask Better Questions: Go beyond small talk with conversation prompts and follow-up questions

Focus

Happiness and success are determined more by the quality of friendships than quantity. A friend has your best interests at heart. They don't bring drama, require you to compromise values, or demean in any way. Only focus on people who make you feel good and create shared energy.

The need for deep human connection is universal. The Dalai Lama reminds us, "The ultimate source of a happy life is generosity. On a simple level, we find that if we have a compassionate heart, we naturally have more friends." And, in his memoir Born a Crime, Trevor Noah reminds us, "A person is a person only because of people." This reflects the African philosophy of Ubuntu, which emphasizes that our identities and well-being are deeply tied to each other.

I especially enjoyed this short video between Trevor Noah and Simon Senek while researching this article. For an in-depth interview with Kasley Killam, listen to this podcast.

What do you do to build and keep a strong network of friends who will support, uplift, and grow with you for years to come?

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Adventure humbly. Live boldly!