Build Together

Depending on your age, you remember exactly where you were the morning of September 11, 2001.?

Chances are that you also remember how you felt and what you did as soon as you learned about the attack.?

When we are faced with an important event in our lives, whether traumatic (9/11) or joyous (just got engaged), we share that experience with the people we love because those relationships are all that really matter. This core value is one of the few characteristics that nearly all humans share - including those who were lost on September 11, 2001.?

At 9:47 a.m., Ceecee Lyles, a flight attendant on Flight 93 that ultimately crashed in Stoney Creek, Pennsylvania, called her husband as she frantically watched a crew put together a plan to rush the cabin and overtake the terrorists. Her voicemail said, “Please tell my children that I love them very much. I’m sorry, baby. I wish I could see your face again.”?

Thirty-one year old Melissa Harrington was in a meeting in the north tower the morning of September 11th. First, she called her father Bob, and then her husband Sean who was asleep. “Sean, it’s me,” she said in her message. “I just wanted to let you know I love you and I’m stuck in this building in New York. There’s a lot of smoke and I just wanted to let you know that I love you always.”?

Captain Walter Hynes of the New York Fire Department’s Ladder 13 called his wife on his way to Lower Manhattan, where he helped people in the north tower find their way down the stairs towards safety. His message was simple: “I don’t know if we’ll make it out. I want to tell you that I love you and I love the kids.”?

Nearly three thousand people were killed on the morning of September 11, 2001, and I’m certain that once they knew something terrible was happening, every single person who was able to do so immediately reached out to someone they loved. No one made sure to finish up an email or call a big client.?

When push comes to shove, relationships are all that matters. Everything else is irrelevant.?

Like you, I’ve spent too much of my adult life believing that relationships would take care of themselves without much attention from me. I was convinced that I should commit the majority of my time towards achieving recognition as a talented professional - that is, building an impressive resume.?

I knew that relationships were important, but I wasn’t prepared to commit a meaningful amount of time and effort towards their development. This view has changed over time as I began to observe two patterns that determined how satisfied each of my clients was with their life, both personally and professionally.

The professionals who believed that making tons of money, earning more recognition, or having the nicest “stuff” was going to make them happy never felt satisfied - no matter how much they achieved. They kept setting and achieving impressive goals, and unless they had healthy relationships, the contentment they were hoping to find never materialized.?

When faced with this truth, the simple solution can get complicated. You recognize that improving relationships isn’t all that complex; however, it’s too easy to reflect back on the many times you’ve tried and failed to find the time to work on your relationships.?

Like all recovering overachievers, you just need a plan, a way to measure your progress and some momentum to get you going. If you’re truly committed to change, the following process will help you to reprioritize your behavior around what really matters: the people who mean the most to you and who make life worth living.?

Name your MIPs (Most Important People)?

Before you sign up to coach your kid’s soccer team, I’d advise you to slow down and get crystal clear about who it is that really needs your attention. This should be relatively easy, but in case it isn’t, I would consider the following: close family, close friends, peers/employees from work with whom you spend a bunch of time. That’s it. Don’t overthink this piece or you’ll never get started. You can always add someone later.?

Visualize the impact you want to make?

Once you’ve got your list of MIPs, the real work begins. Pick one of the individuals on your list and imagine that they were asked to say a few words about you at your funeral, retirement party, or other occasion. Visualize your spouse, best friend or coworker standing in front of a crowd and giving an emotional talk about the impact you made on their life.

What would you want them to say? Actually write it down.?

Don’t panic if this exercise points out a disconnect between what would be said about you today and what you hope people will say about you in the future. What you write down will give you a clear vision of what your behavior needs to be in order to earn these kind words. Begin with the end in mind.?

Rank your MIPs

As you would do with any big goal, break it down into its smallest components. In doing this, the initial task you should undertake is to rank the list. I’m not really concerned with who lands in each spot, but I do want to make sure that we can all agree that your very closest family members need to be your initial focus.?

Back up your intentions

Next, begin the journey by spending more time with the people you love. Buying them big gifts will never replace the bond you develop in intimate situations where real conversations take place.

The ideas for scheduling these types of events are limitless. It could be as simple as a weekly date night with your spouse or a week-long golfing trip to Ireland with your dad. It doesn’t matter what it is, just make certain that it gets on your schedule and remains a priority - no matter what else comes up.?

Express Gratitude?

Gratitude is a rare and powerful tool for building the types of relationships that add satisfaction and joy to your life. Unfortunately, for most people (especially [recovering] overachievers) it doesn’t come naturally. We’re too busy “accomplishing” to slow down and think about the positive impact others are making in our lives, much less take the time to send them a quick note.?

Whatever the method - handwritten note, public praise, gift, etc. - make sure that you put intention and effort into expressing gratitude. Especially with those relationships at the top of your MIP list.?

Without meaningful relationships, life is empty no matter what else you achieve.?

The undeniable truth is that we are wired by our Creator to be social and to build meaningful relationships with other people. Or, as my friend and mentor Dr. Greg Sipes points out, “Life is only about relationships.”?

All it takes to be successful is a little intention and effort mixed with a lot of gratitude.?

– CJ?