Build a Strong Foundation

By: Lindy Earl

We all know the importance of a good foundation. There is a great adage written on this: a house built on shaky sand will not stand, but one built on a rock has a firm foundation. We need to build firm foundations in every relationship we have, including with ourselves.

Our self-foundation is having a healthy and happy home. That means joy, living within our income, keeping a clean and safe abode, making healthy choices, and contentment. If you don’t have a good foundation within yourself, I think it will be harder to build good relationships with others, because you might become a bit needy and, worse, a user.

We all know people who are simply needy. They usurp your time and attention, draining you of your energy. Nobody is intentionally needy, but the people exist. I’ve been that person in my past and I try hard to not be that person today.

The person who does not have a secure home will seek that security in other relationships, often moving from person to person in an effort to find what is missing within themselves. Stop and make sure you’re meeting all your own needs – self-acceptance and belonging, physical requirements, self-esteem. Then you’re ready to build foundations with others.

What bricks are needed for a good foundation? A friend and I listed some recently: respect, trust, love, time (alone and together), integrity, honesty, and of course, communication.

When an issue arises you can stop and pull out the brick – is it a communication problem? Talk about what happened and how to avoid the challenge in the future, then put the brick back in the foundation, all well and good.

What about the honesty brick? Have you ever felt that you were misled or even lied to? Pull out that brick. Share your feelings, as objectively as possible. Simply recall the situation as you saw it. As you share your thoughts, you may see a light dawn in other’s eyes. “Oh my gosh! It never occurred to me that’s how you felt,” they might say. Once you discuss and resolve the issue, you can return the brick to the foundation, stronger than before. Yes, some foundations grow in strength. The brick goes back a little bigger and built with stronger materials.

I know it’s hard to have these discussions, but if too many bricks go missing, you’re in trouble because the foundation is now shaky. If you only have to deal with a lack of respect in a specific circumstance, it could be a short conversation. If you let it go, and are now feeling unloved as well, you have twice the conversation and it may take far longer. It’s also possible that other resentments may surface because of the double whammy of perceived disrespect and a lack of love. Two missing bricks will make for a rockier foundation than the loss of just one. If you come from a world where issues are swept under the rug and not addressed, it may be especially difficult to bring up each brick, one by one, but you can do it. Others will probably be grateful because they want a strong foundation as well.

To make things more complicated, there are temporary bricks as well: vacations, holidays, unsubstantiated guilt, school, job changes, fear, and other self-made situations.?Again, you need to deal with each brick as you create your foundation. Is a vacation equally important to everyone? Is it time away or where you’re going that matters more? A good conversation can help build a great foundation.

A friend of mine came from a family where they always went on vacation. The spouse, however, had rarely taken vacations and couldn’t understand what difference it made. Their marriage was not going to crumble over this one brick, but it was easily remedied by some compromise. Now the vacation brick is firmly in place and everyone is happy. They haven’t had to pull out that brick for decades.

Look at each of your relationships: your significant other, children, siblings, neighbors, friends, colleagues. How strong is your foundation with each of them? What bricks are important to you? Which bricks are loose or missing completely? Which bricks are you able to build and cement firmly in place? Know what bricks you want in your foundation, make sure everyone is on the same page, then build or rebuild that foundation in each relationship. Happiness is waiting for you on the other side of construction.