Build honest relationships to get what you want

Directors, I have something for you at the end of the article.

If you want to lead a meaningful life as an engineer and engineering leader, you will have to show up more in your relationships.

It will be uncomfortable and scary but as an engineer and engineering leader you have already signed up to build something meaningful.

Showing up means revealing and sharing more about who you are as a human being.

Sounds easy, right?

Actually, that's the problem.

Most engineers don't want to share their struggles. They don't want to appear they have no clue about what they are doing or how to go about doing something they don't know yet. They fear rejection, ridicule, judgment, and isolation.

Most engineers are afraid of people's reactions to their unusual interests, hobbies, skills, thoughts, and ideas. Because they don't know how to respond to these reactions.

Maybe they had a childhood experience that scarred them and left them feeling embarrassed and ashamed. And now as adults they have built a fortress-like self-defense system in order to avoid any situation that could make them feel like that again.

Thus, they choose shallow relationships or no relationships at all in order to keep safe and maintain a predictable and low risk life.

But this uncomfortable state can only stay comfortable and cozy for a while.

As engineers and engineering leaders progress in their careers and their lives they start feeling pain. A deep and aching pain that awakens their self-doubt and self-questioning. And even though their knowledge has increased 10x, their confidence and self-trust had a reverse result – they started to trust themselves less and less.

Throughout all their lives they have been rewarded for their achievements and knowledge, so they find it preposterous “How come I feel worse and worse? I should be feeling good now, but I'm not. Why?”

Here's the answer.

Unaware to them, they have been creating a growing gap like the Grand Canyon between what people think they know about them vs. who they have become as human beings through personal development.

Let's be honest, most people working with engineers can't even tell what an engineer does, let alone who they are besides “being an engineer”.

It's time to fill in the gap.

It's time to practice extreme self-leadership by showing up more in your relationships as an engineer and as an engineering leader.

Here's how to get started.

First, understand being vulnerable doesn't mean you start sharing everything with everyone and everywhere. Your deep secrets are safe. It simply means you have the choice to share one new piece of information about you with someone that you care about. But this information has to be something you haven't shared yet. The emphasis is on ‘your choice’. It can be something small and not “a big deal”, something meaningful to you, something about your values and your beliefs. Or it simply can be a funny story that happened to you.

Second, being authentic doesn't mean you opt for unfiltered content and behavior. Your sharing is not a free pass to hurt someone. Choose to be your younger self who showed up, for example, at the playground wanting to be kind and compassionate. Be intentional about respecting yourself and respecting others.

Third, don't give up before you even start by telling yourself you are not interesting. It is true, “It is not my job to be interested in you. It’s your job to be interesting.” Everybody has uniquely odd, weird, funny, and simply ‘never heard of’ life stories. You have them, too. Find them. Dig them up. Because people want to hear about them.

Will anyone care about my stories?

When you start showing up more people will definitely start noticing and get curious about the change. Some will like it, and some will not. You might even get pushbacks from some people. And encouragement from others.

It's normal. People will respond in their own ways, reflecting their own fears and relationship to change.

Your weak relationships that rely on a) you giving more and them taking from you, b) you staying always the same and never changing will probably start crumbling. You are going to experience a feeling of loss. And that’s O.K.

Once I was told by a friend “Thanks for sharing about your cool trip but I don't want to hear more about it. I will never do something like what you did, so I don't want you to make me feel bad about myself. Let’s only talk about normal stuff.”

As you probably figured out, we didn't stay friends for long. But that friend helped me realize from that moment on I only wanted friends who could cry in sadness and celebrate with me in joy vs. silencing my joy for growth and development.

Fast forward to 2024, and now I have built friendships and relationships that support both of us be able to grow, stretch, and change - whenever we choose to do so.

Why do it?

Building honest relationships will bring you joy, a sense of purpose and a feeling that you matter.

More importantly, by you sharing more, you will give permission to the other person to also share more about who they are (or about who they have been hiding).

Your courage and willingness to go first will invite others to share their joy, fears, wishes and dreams with you. Opening themselves up to being heard and listened to by someone who gives a dime about them – as human beings, not just employees – is one the greatest gifts you can give to other human being.

Soon you will find yourself helping their dreams come true, and shortly after you will realize they have been unintentionally motivating you to achieve what you always wanted to achieve in your life. And this is how you will get what you want in life.

Then you both will celebrate each other's successes and growth.

And isn't that what life and true leadership is about?

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In summary

Showing up more in your relationship will be hard.

You will have challenges and self-doubts about even starting.

But the only way to reduce the pain is to reduce the gap.

It's not about sharing everything with everyone and everywhere.

Choose what you share and start small.

Remember you, too, have interesting life stories that are unique to your life, your upbringing, your situation, and your lifestyle. You are interesting.

Some people will care, and some won’t. It’s O.K.

Share more to give others permission to share more, too.

The value comes from you listening and hearing others because you choose to do so.

Life is about building honest relationships where both parties will celebrate each other's successes and growth.

Choose to live life differently.

*Directors, I'm thinking about launching a new program specifically for you. If you are interested, join the waiting list. For more details, click HERE.

To follow my work, visit www.andreaclough.com.

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