Build A Better World

This article is adapted from my commencement address to the 2023 graduating class of Connecticut College. Watch my speech here.

Let’s give it up for the Class of 2023!

It’s an enormous honor to give your commencement address. In preparation for today, I looked for soaring rhetoric, but I kept finding a heap of problems… from climate chaos to global unrest, to racial and financial inequity, just to name a few. Not to mention the global pandemic, a nasty and uninvited guest during your college years.

During the pandemic, along with my own fears for my loved ones, I had a crystallization of thoughts that had been swirling around in my head since my first job and for the nearly four decades that have followed.

Over those years, I studied leadership at the right hand of some exceptional chief executives, senators, cabinet secretaries, and presidents of civic institutions.

All of these leaders were smart, highly educated, skilled at their jobs—but the few who were able to rise above, and breakthrough had a deep appreciation for the power of connection. Their ability to open minds and move hearts made all the difference.

Most recently, I learned that when the world seems at an impasse, we cannot make incremental changes. We must use all the tools in our toolbox—and some we didn’t even know we had—to break through the noise and clutter to create long-lasting, positive change.

Today I’ll offer you five insights, in the hopes that these principles help you in your stewardship of our future.

Because, together, we must build a better world.

First, have the courage for candor.

In the early 1980s, shortly after my graduation from this college, I had an urgent need for clarity. On a hot, sweltering day, I flew home—from Washington, D.C., to St. Louis, Missouri—to tell my parents I’m gay. I was extremely nervous. I knew it would be bad… the only question was how bad.

Please remember this was 40 years ago—that’s a long time in the trajectory of the gay civil rights advances – and as I’m sure you know, many of those old prejudices are returning.

Back then, we were in the grip of the AIDS epidemic and most people lived in the closet. With my revelation, my mother was upset; my dad cried. It was the toughest conversation of my life. My relationship with my folks was strained for several years. Still, it cut an essential pathway for the open, loving dynamic I now enjoy with my truly wonderful parents.

The point is—I’ve learned that short-term pain can pay long-term dividends in peace and pride and authenticity. So, let’s build a better world where we take every opportunity for brave candor.

Don’t let an apology die in your throat for fear that the hurt is too deep. Don’t let a love letter languish in your draft file despairing over possible rejection. Don’t hesitate to extend an outreached hand to an estranged family member because the divide feels too wide.

Close that gap. Act with an open heart. Be courageous and let candor be your lifeblood.

Second, perfect your pitch.

I’m not talking about the infamous elevator pitch where you try to make your case in a 30-second ride. And I am not referring to an aggressive cold call by a publicist, or telemarketer. I’m talking about something far deeper.

Pitch, in the leadership context, is rich and nuanced, almost lyrical.

It’s the tenor, word choice, and attitude that we bring to every human encounter. It’s striking the right chords that allow us to reach and relate to one another more profoundly.

Achieving pitch is not simple, even though the best make it look easy. Think of former First Lady Michelle Obama when she said, “When they go low, we go high.” Seven words that resonated around the world.

So, let’s build a better world where each of us locates our unique voice, tone and pitch. Where our words land as intended. Where our audience—be it one person or hundreds on Connecticut College’s Temple Green—feel our message was crafted specifically for them. And remember, perfect pitch always ends on a high note.

Third, delight with humor.

Sadly, I can’t tell a joke to save my life. And these days, humor can feel daunting. We are increasingly worried about “cancel culture” and how our words can be taken out of context or turned against us. Still, I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to live in a world without humor and joy.

Humor, used correctly, can ease isolation, and build bridges of recognition and common understanding. Humor brings people together, breaks the ice, diffuses tension, boosts morale, and forges bonds.

Several years ago, to take away the stigma from professional missteps, we held an open-mic night where everyone was encouraged to share their biggest, most embarrassing slip-ups. I led the way with a story about how I blew it with my first boss—a United States Senator—by gossiping and breaking a confidence. My error became publicly known, I was ashamed and never trusted the same way in that office again. But I owned my mistake, apologized, and most importantly, never repeated it.

After telling my story at open-mic night, brave colleagues shared their gaffes and before long we were all laughing and learning together. We felt comfortable opening up in ways that we never imagined because humor and self-deprecation were the keys to unlock deeper ways of connecting with one another.

So, let’s build a better world. Where levity is the antidote to awkwardness. Where humor creates a playfulness or lightheartedness that highlights our humanity but never disparages it. Where joy lights the way to a better future.

Fourth, seek harmony.

?In a recent Trust Barometer poll conducted by the Edelman consulting firm, people were asked if they would help someone in dire need if they believed that person—the one in need—disagreed with them.

30% said yes. That means an astonishing 70% said no! One citizen would not help another simply because they didn’t see the world eye to eye.

So, here’s my ask of you: Instead of trying to win every argument or score every point in a debate, let’s seek harmony.

According to Adam Grant, one of the world’s most influential management thinkers, “Harmony is the pleasing arrangement of different tones, voices or instruments, not the combination of identical sounds.”

Harmony is not total agreement. It’s not speaking from the same script. It’s complimentary. It’s civil.

So, let’s build a better world where we find ways to disagree, agreeably. To listen for understanding, not to ready our rebuttal. To be able to debate and discuss around the dinner table without dissolving into a fight. To engage respectfully and hold ourselves open to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, we are not always right. Let’s be kind and merciful to one another. Because face it, we all make mistakes.

And please remember the words of social justice activist Bryan Stevenson who said, “Each of us is more than the worst thing we’ve ever done.”

Finally, Let’s reflect and honor.

?As graduates, you are looking to the future. But may I suggest that you first check the rear-view mirror? You will surely find some important people and hard-earned lessons there.

Over the past four years, your experience was unlike that of any other class in our 113-year history.

You arrived as first years in the Fall of 2019 expecting to enjoy four years on this magnificent campus. I imagine you anticipated huddling in study groups, laughing together in the common rooms, and learning in seminars with our amazing faculty. You moved into the dorms, began to taste the joys of college life, and were just hitting your stride… then, suddenly, boom. The world shut down.

A once-a-century pandemic wrought dramatic changes upon your campus, your education, and your life. Masks were probably not among your original fashion choices… and social distancing was certainly not at the top of your collegiate activities list. Quarantines, testing, and vaccines became part of your drill.

Then, in your senior year, you were confronted with the complex quest for equity. Faced with those questions of diversity and inclusion, many of you took a stand. And I’m sure all of you thought deeply about what equity means. We are still in the wake of that discussion.

This week, a friend of mine, a mother of one of today’s graduates, wrote me and said of this class, “I’m really impressed with the progressive nature of this college, especially the tenacity the students exhibited this year when they felt Connecticut College could be even better.”

I’m impressed too. You have already begun to build a better world. Where progress is a shared goal, where mistakes are rarely repeated, and where lessons of all kinds are honored.

So, in conclusion, everyone graduating today has an epic opportunity to keep making change.

Connecticut College’s mission is to educate students to put the liberal arts into action as citizens in a global society. I can think of nothing the world needs more. Indeed, society needs your help.

I believe, based in large measure, on what you’ve learned here at Connecticut College, you will meet the moment. You will make true the adage that rough seas make for a strong captain.

And, here’s my hope for you. Keep building a better world.

Let candor be your lifeblood,

perfect your pitch,

delight us with your sense of humor,

seek harmony,

and always, reflect and honor.

Please accept my admiration for your tenacity, my respect for your resiliency, and my heartfelt congratulations on your graduation. This college, its professors and administrators, your family and friends believe in you, have invested in you, and are so very proud of you.

Now run with it.