BUD TO BLOOM OF ITS OWN

Son, I want to make it clear in the very beginning that when your eyes fall on the following words; which portrays my soul in its truest nature without the weak and inept veil of morality, and the powerful will of mine that leaps through these pages will surely cause compassion to rise in your heart towards me – don’t, I am not after your empathy. My sole reason of writing this is that, going through this someday may give you a different perspective into my life.

Sitting under a tree for no apparent reason, playing alone or with friends and doing whatever my heart cherished without any worry about consequences or time, how content I was. Society doesn’t have any right to take those happy moments away from me, but it did. If society had stopped there, I could have somehow made my heart understand. But no, isn’t society expert at destroying things in totality and that to with the care-freeness of an absent minded man, who in his forgetfulness walks over a newly born plant crushing it to death. I can still make my heart see the absence of concentration on the part of the man, and someway pardon him for killing a new life.  But the soil on which society grows its slave is not conducive for carefree and innocent human beings, as every act of society is backed by carefully planted codes that need to be abided, if not them all hell will break lose.

Society forced things on me, like, go to school whether it made sense to me or not, and when I mustered enough courage to ask my teachers, why school is important? Or why to study that specifically subject? I was either told, do as you are told very sternly or this is how it is supposed to be done in a matter of fact tone. These conditions were not limited to school, society had charted a separate set of rules to be followed at home also, I was told to respect and love my relatives, irrespective of whether I liked them or not, truth be told I despised some of them. It is not that I didn’t resist, I certainly did with all my might, whatever a small child can muster. When force failed in getting the desired result, my whys? Were placated by the constant use of statements in effect to, aren’t you a nice boy, like being nice somehow equates to asking dumb or better no questions at all.

Habit is a strange phenomenon, if one keeps doing a thing continuously whether he understands it or not, loves in it or not, with the passage of time that habit will become second nature. This habit is a two ways process, in the same way as one can inculcate a new habit into their life, similarly any habit can be forced upon you by someone else also, society in this case. I don’t remember exactly when it first happened, but the constant do’s and don’ts that were being feed started to take its effect, and I turned into docile clay that was perfect for society to mould into the model human who would be in due time ready to take his rightful position at the back of the line at the gate of the tyrant enterprise called society, which was miles away for the open and curious child that I was; whose desired freedom.

Numbness envelopes you completely once your individuality is removed that realisation came much later. At that time, I became one with the crowd, whose only goal was to come first be it studies, sports, or any extracurricular activity, which brought a change in my family and relatives perception towards me. The adulation and star status that was bestowed swelled my heart with pride, and these doses of importance worked as an enticer that had me under their spell from school, through college; which were spent always chasing the top most tear, and hitting the mark most of the time, till much later when I was amidst my first job, as an engineer, in a multi-national company, with a steady girlfriend whom I was going to marry once I reached little more financial stability. Looking from the outside gave the impression that my life was set and destined for greater things, but then life started to unravel itself.  

A truth about problem, it always comes in plural. I distinctly remember the day; actually evening to be precise, while I enjoyed my cigarette perched on the window of my rented flat looking down at the moving traffic oblivious to the fact that from the very next moment my carefully planned life was going to be shaken violently from its very core. It’s over, were the words said by my then girlfriend that triggered a domino effect where I lost everything from my five years old relationship to being fired from the job. The unbalance that had seeped into my life started to show its effects where little by little I receded into my shell to avoid being hurt by the cruel world; with the paranoia reaching its highest I barricaded myself in my room, my safe haven.

It’s much easier to fall into an abyss than to come out, particularly when the deep void is not a physical structure from which I could come out by the application of my brain, but an invisible fabrication of the mind. Help was readily available, be it, friends, family, and even former colleagues, but I had woven such a complex net of paradoxes that barred me from truly accepting and properly working on their suggestions.

There is always a limit to how much one can self loathe so once I reached nadir the only way left for me was up.

It is said once intention is made the path reveals itself, so the first thing I did was to re-connect with my friends and former colleagues; it took some effort on my part to cajole then, as I had burned many bridges. But once they were on my side each provided help to the best of their knowhow as they were aware of my immediate need to find a new job as well as the turmoil I went through after the breakup, so I was invited to every party or get-togethers where I was introduced to new people who my friends thought would be helpful for me to nail doing the next job, some even tried hooking me to girls, others suggested hobbies and other recreational activities which they thought would recharge me. And I on my part participated fully; because of being guilty for not heading to their advices the first time, in the hobbies and activities they recommended, and also went on dates with two girls, sadly all this action taken by me not only failed in bringing the positive change that I was after, but left me in a more confused state than I was at the start of this whole process. At this juncture, I was saved by one of my childhood school friend; I had lost contact with him over the years, he contacted me through social media and introduced me to the wonderful world of books. It is not I had not read books in the past, but somehow had left more unfinished than completed, as I found them bore and tiresome to read. The impregnable vicious circle of self pity that I had surrounded myself with started to show pores when I not only started but also completed a self help book which my school friend recommended. The change of mindset brought by that book spurred in me the desire to read more books, so I made a commitment and stuck at it, to read books in accordance with my mood. Another positive happened, I got a new job. Life was finally looking up again.

Thereafter, all the goodies that life had to offer somehow gravitated towards me, I felt blessed, and the two year horrendous period where nothing seemed to go right felt like the part of someone else’s life. The new me went from strength to strength be it the personal or the professional space, as I came to realize the truth that, life is abundance, and whatever I lacked was due to the fact that I had not asked for it with complete sincerity. There were times when I contemplated about my past, and thought how much idle time I had wasted groping in the dark, but the very next moment I placed myself by saying, I was ignorant them. With every new information, and the result it produced by my correct application made me sure of myself, all was fine up till that stage, but I failed to realize when that positive confidence that had blossomed from me being sure of myself under all conditions converted into arrogance.

In the initial stages the new found streak of arrogance came out firstly in my professional dealings, because I desired to have a control over the people I work with. Gradually, this haughty attitude of mine enveloped whole of my being wherein I stated to dictate how people behaved in my personal life, my family wasn’t spared either. Whenever someone dared to point out my aggressive behaviour, I tackled their points with the knowhow I had gained from the books; the more I rebuked such attempts that pointed at my behavioural flaw, the more arrogant I became, and more knowledge I cherished, because to me the new found knowledge of the books was my key to a happy life.  

Then something happened, which nothing in life had prepared me for, I witnessed death from close quarters. One of my colleagues father was battling cancer, final stage, it was not that I was close to him or anything. It so happened that I and the said colleague were working together at a project which was very important for the office, as this client brought the most revenue. The pressure of handling the project was enough on its own, on top of that my said colleague’s extreme mood swings was getting unbearable; he had already lost his mother in a road accident few years back. My best friends, books, were also proving unsuccessful, as they failed to get me on top of that situation as they had done so many times in the past. I realized that the reason was that for the first time, I had to help another through my knowledge, previously I used to demark a problem which I faced and used books to rectify that problem completely, there was never another person, it was only me. I went to my seniors pleading my case for appointing a new partner, as I was finding it difficult to concentrate on the job at hand. Understanding my plight my seniors appointed another person with me till my original partner got ready to reassume his duties, but they left a catch for me, as my said colleagues had handled the client from the first day and knew most of the stuff, and me being the second most experienced person handling that client, so that asked me to become a bridge between the said colleague, office and the client. I unwillingly had to do their bidding, as I failed to sway them from their decision. I was not ready to give up this job, as I knew how hard I had tried to acquire this one.

I do not know how I would have managed without modern technology that came to my rescue, as I used email, mobile, spike and other gadgets in getting most of my work done without having to meet my colleague in person. But there were times when meeting in person could not be avoided, at those times; which were difficult for me, I used to meet him outside the hospital where his father was admitted. My problem intensified in the last three months; before my colleague’s father’s death, the doctors recommended to take the patient home as they had done all they could, and wished that the patient spend last few months in the comfort of home among family and friends, as I had to reach out to him at his residence. The cover of death that had enveloped my colleague’s residence gave me the creeps the first time I visited him after his father’s discharge from the hospital. Whenever I tried communicating with his family members I felt that I was interacting with zombies. The nausea was so intense that I threw up the moment I exited their place. At that moment my only wish was never to come back to that dead place, which sadly never materialized as I had to comeback three more time before the old man died for good. Yes, I was secretly hoping for the old man’s death, because the burden of handling the project singlehandedly was severe. Somehow, the project completed and we were successful, and I was not only praised for my work but also got a promoted for my handling of the delicate situation.

Something changed in me, I had the information that my colleague’s father’s heath was deterring every day, and any day would be his last, but now somehow I did not want him to die. Repeated self contemplation failed me in finding the source of this change of heart, and I wept like a baby on the old man’s funeral, so much so that my colleague remarked, I didn’t knew you cared so much for my father. Life carried on, I fell in love for the second, and in due course married the girl, your mom. But somehow, that experience of, first my colleague’s father’s sickness and then his death never left me. To this day, I have never expressed my true feelings about my colleague’s father to anyone.

Then you were born, that day in the hospital corridor a panicky me waited for any news while your mother struggled for your coming in this world, a question popped in my head, what will be my contribution in your life? The answer flowed through my brain, will provide emotional, physical, psychological and financial support. I felt proud for the quickness of my response, and a contented smile enveloped my face as I felt certain that I knew what was expected of a good father. The very next moment I jolted myself out of my day dreaming, as a scene from my childhood, of me lying idly under the shade of a tree, flashed across my conscience, what am I thinking, I thought. Wasn’t freedom the one think I cherished before my family under the pressure of society corrupted me, and if I also continued the same process with my son, then how am I any different. I will break the loop, and let you become your own man.

Through the life which I have lived, I cannot answer the question whether I would have been a better person had my family in particularly and society in general left me on my own to learn the ropes of life? But whatever I have understood through my life is that there is no one solution that fits all,  and the only way, is to live life with an open heart to face its challenges and to show empathy to every living being, humans or otherwise.

While writing these lines sitting at my bedroom chair, I watch you sleeping peacefully; son welcome to your home, as today 5th November, 2015, is your first day at home after getting discharged from the hospital. I sincerely promise you that I will only be your protector, like, a gardener whose only job is to help facilitate the growth of a flower, nothing more nothing less.